I'm not cut out for living alone. I don't have anyone here who would literally drop everything (including paid for commitments) and come and help me. And I'm not about to ask to find out.
This is the third day now. I had to teach from 11-1But when I came back I realised I had forgotten my keys, so I slept in the stairwell until my landlady arrived. I barely had time to eat - a terrible rice noodles and miso soup amalgamation, essentially ramen - before I had to leave. I was out working from then until 10pm, which is when I arrived home. I ate a little during the afternoon but because my dinner time has become so late, I wasn't hungry until then.
I am incapable of feeding myself. That's how bad it's become this week. For me this is significant. I am a foodie, daughter of a chef, and cooking is very therapeutic for me. However I somehow failed to buy simple things like eggs and soup this week, so I haven't had anything quick and easy to make. I have gluten and dairy allergies so I can never buy anything out or on the way home. So I just end up not eating, which puts me in pain and makes me cry because I'm so depressed and physically lack the energy to do anything. With my anxiety this week I am also terrified of going into the kitchen at ridiculous times or even just to make some chips in the fryer because my landlady is in the open living room all night basically (like 9.30pm until 3am) and obviously my anxiety makes me fear all judgement. So I've just stayed in my room and cried and it's a mess and all my messages are piling up from people who are good enough friends to be in touch with or meet up with, but not good enough to ring up and ask them to come and bring me food. And most of them are abroad, anyway.
I move to Germany in less than three weeks and while I'm dreading sacrificing my independence in the heart of a capital city to go and live with a big family in the middle of actual nowhere, I am also grimly pleased that I will no longer have to manage every damn thing on my own all the time. When it works and I'm well, it's amazing. At times like this, I could probably not eat for days and no one would have to know.
My boyfriend is trying to be helpful but keeps asking the same questions, like what have I got in the kitchen. The answer is nothing. Gazpacho, new potatoes, cheese, frozen vegetables, uncooked rice, uncooked pasta, fruit. I am not currently capable of anything that requires putting the oven on or chopping things.
Tomorrow I should hopefully have a little time to buy simple things like eggs and cereal. When I feel better I will sit down and plan some easy meals and buy the ingredients.
I feel like I'm wasting all my evenings. I have things that need doing but I spend my evenings depressed and hungry.