TL : DR In general, I hate the concept of labels, but I feel like I need to be able to label myself in order to find the right kind of support. I don't know whether I am gay straight or asexual. I want a romantic relationship with a man, I have some physical attraction to women, however I do not want to have actual sex with either a man or woman. I'm very androgynous and fortunately, I come from environment where being gay or bi is barely a topic and everyone is more or less fine with it. I'm not religious and as far as I know, I don't have any blatant or repressed reason to be so averse to sex. I want everything but sex. Please read this ridiculously long post I wrote because I would like to be able to talk to people who feel like me, and I feel like I need to know what I'm looking for so maybe I can find love with someone and not die alone.
Googling, "I don't know whether I'm gay or straight or asexual or just have a low libido or just weird or maybe just ugly and unloveable?" Hasn't really helped so far.
HERE'S THE SITCH:
I thought I was definitely into guys until about a year or so ago. Every crush I ever had was a guy and although I have never been in a relationship, sexual or romantic, with either sex, I always pictured myself with a guy in the future. I just figured I had a n extremely low libido and was very unattractive, hence why I was not in a relationship with a guy.
About a year ago, at the age of 24, I started questioning if that was actually my preference. I'm casually interested in the study of sexuality, and i had been having some discussions with a colleague who was very interested in the topic too, but also had a very active sex life, so came from a very different perspective - (although interestingly enough, we arrived at similar conclusions about things like fluidity, feminism, misogyny, pornography etc).
I started to think about the moment I defined my sexuality - I literally asked myself, "do I like girls or do i like guys?" at the confusing age of, say, 13/14, and came to conclusion it was guys. It could've gone either way because I had already felt arousement at the idea of either. I started to realise how arbitrary that decision was, just last year. Maybe I did like girls afterall- I masturbated to female porn occasionally, more than anything else, honestly. Isn't that what sexual orientation is all about? The gender you are sexually attracted to? I hang around with a lot of gender bending friends, gay straight, androgynous everything and in between. So I got no help there- they were just like "Huh? Who the hell cares who you're having sex with? Forget about labels! As long as it's safe! As long as youre actually having it! hahahaha!" This is an awesome group of people to be with and I was chilled out for a while. I thought, "Yeah, I'm into guys Im also into girls it doesn't matter" and if you were to look at me, you'd probably wouldn't be surprised to hear either.
But something still nagged on at me and that was "as long as you're actually having sex" part. No, now you mention it, I wasn't. At the age of 24, I had never been in a relationship with guy or girl, had little to no intimate or sexual relations with a girl or guy. I don't consider myself very attractive at all and often put my lackof experience down to that, and having no self confidence. But I started to realise that I am not a complete write off. I have my good days. And being ugly never stopped people having sex and being in relationships before. Otherwise only the beautiful people woul recreate and we'd all be beautiful. And no matter what I think about myself, I have still, on occasion -rare as they may be- been hit on/pursued by members of both sex- guys more so than girls, but both. Girls have told me they would love to be with someone just like me, my personality, my attitude. Dudes are always surprised that they like, usually because they wouldn't expect I'd be so into the stuff they are. I never felt compelled to do anything with either. Not even tempted. Most of the time I don't even pick up the signs until its pointed out to me, highlighted, circled with a red marker. I have neve felt that urge. I don't know what it means to be turned on by someone.
I only know this. I romanticise being with men. I fantasise about being with women. A major part of me wants to be in a traditional relationship if only for the reason I'd like to have a traditional family - I didn't have that. So I wonder if I'm confusing myself because I still have issues with non traditional set ups. However, I know I could still have a family no matter what I wanted- I just don't know what I want because I don't feel sexual attraction to either in real life. I find the actual act of sex- real sex, not pornography, not sexuality as a subject- with either sex inappropriate and awkward. I hate when its brought up in conversation. Depending on who I am with I either act gay or straight just to make it easier to change the topic- I realised that people are very bothered by the idea of adults not having sex. Apparently everybody likes some sort of sex! At the very least everybody WANTS to have sex! Even depraved people! If you abstain you are either consciously celibate, and control your sexual urges, or something is so wrong with you that literally nobody will have sex with you. But you must WANT to, surely! At least sometimes???
But I am realising... no I don't. I want to be with someone, start a family, have a companion. I want to be loved by somebody and feel the same in return. But sex... sex is fiction to me. Or a myth. Something to be studied. Something to advance a plot in a story. Sometimes I can't believe people actually do it. I'm a little bit like "ew" when I think about people actually having sex. I think porn is fiction too (generally speaking) and that's the only form of sexual interaction I have, to relieve my very very low libido. But it's like, because I know they are acting and faking it, it's okay.
PLOT TWIST/DISCUSSION:
So if you read all of that, what is your impression of my sexuality? I haven't mentioned whether I'm male or female or anything else, but I am actually a female, 25, virgin, from a Christian background although I no longer practise and of afro-caribbean heritage. I'm tall and androgynous which is why I get approached by both sexes, but still more feminine then anything else. I'm very liberal minded and surrounded by a diverse crowd- we are bunch of misfits- my family have some conservative opinions but they try to be progressive. Does knowing this change what you think about my sexuality? Please be honest if it did I'm very interested to know! I initially wrote this completely without mentioning background because I wanted to get as unbiased an opinion as possible. Sex is a big part of life and love as a mature adult, and I just feel like if I can't find my place, I'll always feel as infantile and immature and alone as I do now.
Help me out!!
ps: i will also post this in other places on the internet for a balanced discussion