It's very good, if you were doing a summary of Candy. Sadly, you would get very little marks on this despite the good choice of quotations, the reason behind this is because you're not analysing the context, methods, character or techniques in enough detail. You do not need to tell the story from Candy's point of view, so try starting your main points "Steinbeck uses the ...... to portray Candy as ......". You mustn't waste your time doing an introduction or conclusion, these gain 0 marks, despite whatever content is in the paragraphs.
Having said that, the paragraphs starting "In Part Three we see..." and "The shooting of Candy's dog..." are much better, they include contextual knowledge, and show his importance as the personification of the older male members of society.
Finally, remember, Candy is a character, so refer to him as one every so often, perhaps saying "Steinbeck's character Candy..."
Good luck in the exam on Monday.
Mr Porter-Brooks