Most of the time I feel as if I'm mentally stable and somewhat happy, but I'm so susceptible to these moments where my thoughts turn really cloudy and dark, and there's nothing I can do but wait it out. For instance after most of the exams I've had that haven't gone as planned, I've thought about every question I didn't answer or answer properly, thought about how much it's gonna bring down my grade and push me further from my dream Uni. I need AAB and sometimes it feels like I'll be lucky to get BBC. Then I start to wonder why I even bothered being ambitious in the first place, then I start to conclude that I'm actually pretty stupid and useless, that I should have done more but I spent too much time fooling around, other people have done well so why can't I, etc. Long story short my thoughts spiral with such unrelenting force it seems very difficult for my positive self to get a word in edgeways. Luckily I'm too much of a pussy to go through and act on the suicidal thoughts that I have during these periods but I don't know if it'll always be this way. This habit I feel is seriously impacting my ability to live a high-quality life and achieve what I want, as deep down I don't have a lot of self-belief as it keeps getting shattered.
Sorry if that was convoluted as hell I seriously never vent I don't know how