Relationship of 5 years not working any more. What do I do?
I'm only asking on here because I need impartial advice from people who don't know me/my boyfriend.
We have been together since we were 15, we're 20 now but we're arguing more and more often. If I'm being honest it has been going downhill for a couple of years.
I feel like I've stayed with him because I feel bad/sorry for him. His only friends are our mutual friends (whereas I have friends from uni/work etc). So if we did break up he'd just retreat into himself because he's quite a shy person.
Don't get me wrong, I do love him, when we're not arguing and we're cuddled up watching crap on Netflix it is great, I never want that to end. But the problem is we're arguing more and more often. I can guarantee that every time I see him we will argue.
I know I want to break up with him, but I don't want him to end up lonely and tbh I have no idea how to go about actually breaking up with him. I've wanted to do it before but just not gone through with it and I hate myself for carrying on wjth this and dragging him along.
Sorry for the long story, I've not added anywhere near as much info as I wanted but I need help :/
We have been together since we were 15, we're 20 now but we're arguing more and more often. If I'm being honest it has been going downhill for a couple of years.
I feel like I've stayed with him because I feel bad/sorry for him. His only friends are our mutual friends (whereas I have friends from uni/work etc). So if we did break up he'd just retreat into himself because he's quite a shy person.
Don't get me wrong, I do love him, when we're not arguing and we're cuddled up watching crap on Netflix it is great, I never want that to end. But the problem is we're arguing more and more often. I can guarantee that every time I see him we will argue.
I know I want to break up with him, but I don't want him to end up lonely and tbh I have no idea how to go about actually breaking up with him. I've wanted to do it before but just not gone through with it and I hate myself for carrying on wjth this and dragging him along.
Sorry for the long story, I've not added anywhere near as much info as I wanted but I need help :/
Obviously if it's not working then it's not working and you can either take a break from it or end it completely, try the former first and if it doesn't fix things you'll have to end it
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by ItaSpicyMeatabol
Obviously if it's not working then it's not working and you can either take a break from it or end it completely, try the former first and if it doesn't fix things you'll have to end it
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Yeah, I know I have to end it. I just have no idea how to. I've been with him for 5 years, our relationship is all I know. If that makes sense?
If you're not happy in the relationship and you want to break up, then dragging it out helps nobody. Will he thank you if you spend another five years with him before ending it? No - if it's not working, then it's in both of your interests to break up so that you can find someone new.
You should never stay with someone out of sympathy or guilt.
I think you should sit your boyfriend down in a neutral environment and explain to him (preferably from prepared notes, so that you have it planned out and know what you're going to say) why you're not happy and what you think should happen next.
If you're definitely going to split up with him, then tell him that and don't give him any hope that you're going to get back together.
If you're willing to try to fix it, then tell him clearly what you need and ask him what he wants to change.
You say you've been together for five years - that's a quarter of your life and I know that it must feel really weird that you might suddenly not be together any more, but you're only 20 - you have your whole life ahead of you and you don't want to spend it with the wrong person.
Good luck and let us know how it goes
You should never stay with someone out of sympathy or guilt.
I think you should sit your boyfriend down in a neutral environment and explain to him (preferably from prepared notes, so that you have it planned out and know what you're going to say) why you're not happy and what you think should happen next.
If you're definitely going to split up with him, then tell him that and don't give him any hope that you're going to get back together.
If you're willing to try to fix it, then tell him clearly what you need and ask him what he wants to change.
You say you've been together for five years - that's a quarter of your life and I know that it must feel really weird that you might suddenly not be together any more, but you're only 20 - you have your whole life ahead of you and you don't want to spend it with the wrong person.
Good luck and let us know how it goes
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah, I know I have to end it. I just have no idea how to. I've been with him for 5 years, our relationship is all I know. If that makes sense?
There is no point staying together for the sake of it if it's not working, you are going to have to be honest to him and break up because otherwise you will be more miserable. Have you actually tried talking and finding out why you are arguing so much?
Every time we argue we have the same conversation about why we're arguing and both of us agree to try to stop doing what we're doing that causes it. but obviously that never works and we end up arguing again.
I think we're just two completely different people now to when we first got together. Which is inevitable seeing as we're not 15 years old any more. He's very very serious/mature for his age (I'm not saying I'm immature either, I just know when I need to be mature and when I can let my hair down) but for him everything is serious, too serious. Most of our friends/family know that that's what he's like but that's something that developed over the past year or so.
It just seems strange that after 5 years we could be so different. I feel like if we got together in a few years time rather than when we were 15 it might have worked out but right now things just don't feel right.
We've had "the talk" several times (usually it's him who initiates it) but every time we do, we both end up making up with each other 5 minutes later so I'm worried that when I do get the courage to actually leave him, he's going to think that it's like all the other times. At the same time though, I think he might feel the same way I do.
It's just a case of getting the courage to actually come out with it and speak to him but like I say, it's a quarter of my life and I feel like it will have all been for nothing if we break up.
I think we're just two completely different people now to when we first got together. Which is inevitable seeing as we're not 15 years old any more. He's very very serious/mature for his age (I'm not saying I'm immature either, I just know when I need to be mature and when I can let my hair down) but for him everything is serious, too serious. Most of our friends/family know that that's what he's like but that's something that developed over the past year or so.
It just seems strange that after 5 years we could be so different. I feel like if we got together in a few years time rather than when we were 15 it might have worked out but right now things just don't feel right.
We've had "the talk" several times (usually it's him who initiates it) but every time we do, we both end up making up with each other 5 minutes later so I'm worried that when I do get the courage to actually leave him, he's going to think that it's like all the other times. At the same time though, I think he might feel the same way I do.
It's just a case of getting the courage to actually come out with it and speak to him but like I say, it's a quarter of my life and I feel like it will have all been for nothing if we break up.
Original post by Anonymous
Every time we argue we have the same conversation about why we're arguing and both of us agree to try to stop doing what we're doing that causes it. but obviously that never works and we end up arguing again.
I think we're just two completely different people now to when we first got together. Which is inevitable seeing as we're not 15 years old any more. He's very very serious/mature for his age (I'm not saying I'm immature either, I just know when I need to be mature and when I can let my hair down) but for him everything is serious, too serious. Most of our friends/family know that that's what he's like but that's something that developed over the past year or so.
It just seems strange that after 5 years we could be so different. I feel like if we got together in a few years time rather than when we were 15 it might have worked out but right now things just don't feel right.
We've had "the talk" several times (usually it's him who initiates it) but every time we do, we both end up making up with each other 5 minutes later so I'm worried that when I do get the courage to actually leave him, he's going to think that it's like all the other times. At the same time though, I think he might feel the same way I do.
It's just a case of getting the courage to actually come out with it and speak to him but like I say, it's a quarter of my life and I feel like it will have all been for nothing if we break up.
I think we're just two completely different people now to when we first got together. Which is inevitable seeing as we're not 15 years old any more. He's very very serious/mature for his age (I'm not saying I'm immature either, I just know when I need to be mature and when I can let my hair down) but for him everything is serious, too serious. Most of our friends/family know that that's what he's like but that's something that developed over the past year or so.
It just seems strange that after 5 years we could be so different. I feel like if we got together in a few years time rather than when we were 15 it might have worked out but right now things just don't feel right.
We've had "the talk" several times (usually it's him who initiates it) but every time we do, we both end up making up with each other 5 minutes later so I'm worried that when I do get the courage to actually leave him, he's going to think that it's like all the other times. At the same time though, I think he might feel the same way I do.
It's just a case of getting the courage to actually come out with it and speak to him but like I say, it's a quarter of my life and I feel like it will have all been for nothing if we break up.
You are still so young and naturally you are going to want to go out and enjoy life, he obviously feels different. This does sound like the relationship has run it's course, but you have got to tell him that, I would cut all contact as well if you break up. The only other thing is if you let this carry on, the more miserable you will become, people change as well after five years.
Original post by Rock Fan
You are still so young and naturally you are going to want to go out and enjoy life, he obviously feels different. This does sound like the relationship has run it's course, but you have got to tell him that, I would cut all contact as well if you break up. The only other thing is if you let this carry on, the more miserable you will become, people change as well after five years.
Yeah, I guess I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him.
Thank you for your help
xxAnd everyone else too xx
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