LDR: boyfriend says I should move or we're over?
We're both mid 20s, been together 2 years. I believe he is the one and want to stay with him.
When we graduated uni i moved back home and he stayed in the uni city (as that's where he is from). At this point we were over 4 hours away and it was hard. We stayed like this for 6 months until I got a job slightly closer to him (now around 2. 5 hours distance) and has been that way for around a year now.
Thing is, he has made it perfectly clear he would NEVER move. It's basically down to me now to move to him. He has a massive family and loads of neices/nephews/cousins who he doesn't want to miss growing up and he is close to all his siblings. I'm not particularly attached to home, but the thought of being tied down to that extent terrifies me. I always thought I'd live abroad or at least in a few other places before settling down completely. Plus, where he lives there are no jobs going... And it's not where I'd expect to live for the rest of my life.
Thing is,I love him so much and want to be with him, but I find this lack of compromise on his part strange.
Am I being unreasonable.. What should I do?
When we graduated uni i moved back home and he stayed in the uni city (as that's where he is from). At this point we were over 4 hours away and it was hard. We stayed like this for 6 months until I got a job slightly closer to him (now around 2. 5 hours distance) and has been that way for around a year now.
Thing is, he has made it perfectly clear he would NEVER move. It's basically down to me now to move to him. He has a massive family and loads of neices/nephews/cousins who he doesn't want to miss growing up and he is close to all his siblings. I'm not particularly attached to home, but the thought of being tied down to that extent terrifies me. I always thought I'd live abroad or at least in a few other places before settling down completely. Plus, where he lives there are no jobs going... And it's not where I'd expect to live for the rest of my life.
Thing is,I love him so much and want to be with him, but I find this lack of compromise on his part strange.
Am I being unreasonable.. What should I do?
I think you need to have a serious chat and get him to lay out what kind of commitment he is going to make. If you move in now, is he happy to move away in 2 years time? In 5? Will he support you (or even CAN he support you) until you find work locally since the job market there is bad?
IMO if you make this sacrifice, you're sending a signal that you're happy to do whatever he wants in order to stay with him, and don't expect him to make any sacrifices for you. Unless his job dictates staying where he is, and you've both discussed him being the sole breadwinner for a time in the future, it's not fair for him to dictate that you move to him or break up.
However, 2.5 hours is a hell of a long distance to be apart for a year, and if he's adamant that he won't move, then you need to if you want to stay together. In his mind, it's probably not an unreasonable request.
Is there anywhere half way between you that would be suitable for both of you to work? Somewhere that he's close enough to family to be involved with them, but that you have better employment prospects?
You need to have a serious conversation, and let him know how this request makes you feel. If you can see a future together, and he can see that future involving living elsewhere and is OK with that, then you can decide if it's worth the move. But if he can't see your future together being anywhere outside his current hometown, you've pretty much told us the answer already.
IMO if you make this sacrifice, you're sending a signal that you're happy to do whatever he wants in order to stay with him, and don't expect him to make any sacrifices for you. Unless his job dictates staying where he is, and you've both discussed him being the sole breadwinner for a time in the future, it's not fair for him to dictate that you move to him or break up.
However, 2.5 hours is a hell of a long distance to be apart for a year, and if he's adamant that he won't move, then you need to if you want to stay together. In his mind, it's probably not an unreasonable request.
Is there anywhere half way between you that would be suitable for both of you to work? Somewhere that he's close enough to family to be involved with them, but that you have better employment prospects?
You need to have a serious conversation, and let him know how this request makes you feel. If you can see a future together, and he can see that future involving living elsewhere and is OK with that, then you can decide if it's worth the move. But if he can't see your future together being anywhere outside his current hometown, you've pretty much told us the answer already.
Original post by Katie_p
I think you need to have a serious chat and get him to lay out what kind of commitment he is going to make. If you move in now, is he happy to move away in 2 years time? In 5? Will he support you (or even CAN he support you) until you find work locally since the job market there is bad?
IMO if you make this sacrifice, you're sending a signal that you're happy to do whatever he wants in order to stay with him, and don't expect him to make any sacrifices for you. Unless his job dictates staying where he is, and you've both discussed him being the sole breadwinner for a time in the future, it's not fair for him to dictate that you move to him or break up.
However, 2.5 hours is a hell of a long distance to be apart for a year, and if he's adamant that he won't move, then you need to if you want to stay together. In his mind, it's probably not an unreasonable request.
Is there anywhere half way between you that would be suitable for both of you to work? Somewhere that he's close enough to family to be involved with them, but that you have better employment prospects?
You need to have a serious conversation, and let him know how this request makes you feel. If you can see a future together, and he can see that future involving living elsewhere and is OK with that, then you can decide if it's worth the move. But if he can't see your future together being anywhere outside his current hometown, you've pretty much told us the answer already.
IMO if you make this sacrifice, you're sending a signal that you're happy to do whatever he wants in order to stay with him, and don't expect him to make any sacrifices for you. Unless his job dictates staying where he is, and you've both discussed him being the sole breadwinner for a time in the future, it's not fair for him to dictate that you move to him or break up.
However, 2.5 hours is a hell of a long distance to be apart for a year, and if he's adamant that he won't move, then you need to if you want to stay together. In his mind, it's probably not an unreasonable request.
Is there anywhere half way between you that would be suitable for both of you to work? Somewhere that he's close enough to family to be involved with them, but that you have better employment prospects?
You need to have a serious conversation, and let him know how this request makes you feel. If you can see a future together, and he can see that future involving living elsewhere and is OK with that, then you can decide if it's worth the move. But if he can't see your future together being anywhere outside his current hometown, you've pretty much told us the answer already.
He's said he will never move.... Ever :/
He owns a business and is very involved with it, he would find it hard to move away from a work side. Plus he has no desire to live elsewhere. He said the furthest he'd move out of the city is half an hour away.
He wouldn't really be able to support me financially either so I'd have to secure a job before moving up.
He's basically said he could carry on long distance as long as I planned to move to him eventually. I am looking for jobs but they are few and far between. It just feels like a massive commitment and like I'm compromising my job prospects - luckily the job I'm in now was because we decided for the first year after graduation i needed to put my career first and went where the job was (happened to be closer to him than my home)... But this wasn't supposed to be for much longer than a year and it's already approaching it now.
Original post by Anonymous
He's said he will never move.... Ever :/
He owns a business and is very involved with it, he would find it hard to move away from a work side. Plus he has no desire to live elsewhere. He said the furthest he'd move out of the city is half an hour away.
He wouldn't really be able to support me financially either so I'd have to secure a job before moving up.
He's basically said he could carry on long distance as long as I planned to move to him eventually. I am looking for jobs but they are few and far between. It just feels like a massive commitment and like I'm compromising my job prospects - luckily the job I'm in now was because we decided for the first year after graduation i needed to put my career first and went where the job was (happened to be closer to him than my home)... But this wasn't supposed to be for much longer than a year and it's already approaching it now.
He owns a business and is very involved with it, he would find it hard to move away from a work side. Plus he has no desire to live elsewhere. He said the furthest he'd move out of the city is half an hour away.
He wouldn't really be able to support me financially either so I'd have to secure a job before moving up.
He's basically said he could carry on long distance as long as I planned to move to him eventually. I am looking for jobs but they are few and far between. It just feels like a massive commitment and like I'm compromising my job prospects - luckily the job I'm in now was because we decided for the first year after graduation i needed to put my career first and went where the job was (happened to be closer to him than my home)... But this wasn't supposed to be for much longer than a year and it's already approaching it now.
I think it's up to you to decide whether he's worth sacrificing your dreams for the future for. If there's no chance that he's going to move away, you won't ever be able to work abroad unless you agree to do it short-term. And if he can't support you until you find work, you'll be under pressure to accept the first thing you find, rather than being free to find a job you will enjoy and be appropriately rewarded for.
I'm currently in a "complicated" ex-LDR relationship. We both live in our hometown again after finishing Uni, but he's looking for his own place for a while (for understandable reasons like having nowhere to live atm) rather than moving in together. He's said that he wants to move away in the future, and he doesn't seem fussed about whether or not I can/will go with him. I'm sort of ignoring the siutation right now because it doesn't require a decision from me for a year or so, but further down the line I know I'll have to decide if I'm going to sacrifice XYZ for him, and in the knowledge that he wouldn't do it for me.
It's definitely worth having a conversation because once the stakes are on the table, his attitude may change somewhat, but at the moment it sounds like he's got his life planned out, and he expects you to fit into that rather than planning your life together.
I'd be having a serious think about whether I was going to stay in the relationship, because you clearly want different things.
You've said you'd like to live abroad or live in different places and he's adamant that he's going to stay exactly where he is? It's fair enough him not wanting to move away, but it's not fair him expecting you to move to him (especially if there's not plenty of jobs and you're not particularly happy doing so).
You've said you'd like to live abroad or live in different places and he's adamant that he's going to stay exactly where he is? It's fair enough him not wanting to move away, but it's not fair him expecting you to move to him (especially if there's not plenty of jobs and you're not particularly happy doing so).
Original post by Anonymous
We're both mid 20s, been together 2 years. I believe he is the one and want to stay with him.
When we graduated uni i moved back home and he stayed in the uni city (as that's where he is from). At this point we were over 4 hours away and it was hard. We stayed like this for 6 months until I got a job slightly closer to him (now around 2. 5 hours distance) and has been that way for around a year now.
Thing is, he has made it perfectly clear he would NEVER move. It's basically down to me now to move to him. He has a massive family and loads of neices/nephews/cousins who he doesn't want to miss growing up and he is close to all his siblings. I'm not particularly attached to home, but the thought of being tied down to that extent terrifies me. I always thought I'd live abroad or at least in a few other places before settling down completely. Plus, where he lives there are no jobs going... And it's not where I'd expect to live for the rest of my life.
Thing is,I love him so much and want to be with him, but I find this lack of compromise on his part strange.
Am I being unreasonable.. What should I do?
When we graduated uni i moved back home and he stayed in the uni city (as that's where he is from). At this point we were over 4 hours away and it was hard. We stayed like this for 6 months until I got a job slightly closer to him (now around 2. 5 hours distance) and has been that way for around a year now.
Thing is, he has made it perfectly clear he would NEVER move. It's basically down to me now to move to him. He has a massive family and loads of neices/nephews/cousins who he doesn't want to miss growing up and he is close to all his siblings. I'm not particularly attached to home, but the thought of being tied down to that extent terrifies me. I always thought I'd live abroad or at least in a few other places before settling down completely. Plus, where he lives there are no jobs going... And it's not where I'd expect to live for the rest of my life.
Thing is,I love him so much and want to be with him, but I find this lack of compromise on his part strange.
Am I being unreasonable.. What should I do?
if hes the great love of your life then you need to find a compromise, just dont forget that its your life and sometimes cutting ties with people can make you more free to be yourself
Original post by Justmoll28
if hes the great love of your life then you need to find a compromise
Or maybe she just needs to dump him.
Original post by Juichiro
Or maybe she just needs to dump him.
hence the rest of my answer smartarse
Original post by Justmoll28
hence the rest of my answer smartarse
I thought that by 'people' you meant OP's family. No need to lower yourself using insults. You can't win.
Spoiler
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Juichiro
I thought thta by 'people' you meant OP's family. No need to lower yourself using insults. You can't win.
Spoiler
cant win what?
Original post by Justmoll28
cant win what?
Do you really want to know?
Original post by Juichiro
Do you really want to know?
no i have better things to do babe x x x
Original post by Justmoll28
no i have better things to do babe x x x
Ah, darling, why did you ask then?
Run before it's too late.
Fair enough if he wants to stay where he is, but it's unfair of him to expect the same of you. Decisions like that should really be made together. Maybe ask him if he fully realises what he's asking of you?
When I was still with my ex, he had lived in the same city his whole life but he was willing to move to another city for me - and I didn't ask him to, either. I want to travel, and I love the fact that I have no idea where I'll end up settling down. It sounds like you have an otherwise happy relationship, but disagreeing about where you're going to spend the rest of your lives is a big one. The lack of compromise would worry me.
When I was still with my ex, he had lived in the same city his whole life but he was willing to move to another city for me - and I didn't ask him to, either. I want to travel, and I love the fact that I have no idea where I'll end up settling down. It sounds like you have an otherwise happy relationship, but disagreeing about where you're going to spend the rest of your lives is a big one. The lack of compromise would worry me.
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