Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone has some advice to lend from their own experience. I'm just going to tell it how it is, so you can hopefully understand why making the decision to stay or go is so hard for me. Sorry for the length of my post, I hope it explains well.
I took a BTEC in one subject which I thoroughly enjoyed and did well in; assignment load did get challenging towards the end but many people in the course graduated happily. Was very hands-on and outdoorsy; not intense, no exams. Best two years of my life.
Then I tried staying on to do a Foundation Degree in a related subject but it didn't work out - this is when the depression initially hit I reckon, causing me to quit because of almost complete loss of interest and motivation. It wasn't a well organised course due to it being the first time ever being run at this college. So I wasted a miserable year and £6k debt on that.
Couldn't get a job for about a month. Depression really took hold; safe to say I really wanted to take my own life just to stop the endless mental torture and tremendous guilt I felt towards my parents.
Eventually was persuaded to see a doc about it by mum, but by this time I had finally been hired and the depression eased off - I thought that'd be the last of it, because I thought at the time that the cause for my depression was being a NEET. So I avoided the doc's next appointment - the thought of group CBT terrified me and admitting I was so weak hurt my pride.
I worked full-time for about a year on minimum wage and inconsistent free time. Life still felt pretty boring; all I lived for was work and serving others, though I didn't know why I bothered living at all like this. Still had suicidal thoughts while working there but I met a really friendly, funny colleague who frankly kept me going. During this time, I realised I couldn't bear the thought of doing this kind of hard, low-paid work for the rest of my life.
So I started looking into proper university courses, and thought Zoology sounded great. Emphasis on fieldwork, well-renowned university, not too far to live away from home and it offered money off rent for a year + cash up-front as a reward for my high BTEC grades. My bro would be going to uni at the same time (a different one), so it all seemed to fit into place nicely. I was nervous but excited; felt like I was finally going to build some confidence and go places...
Wind on 10 weeks of being enrolled and I'm devastated to admit, yet again, that I'm considering quitting further education. The depression has kicked in again, and I'm nervous but a little proud to admit that I finally gathered courage to seek professional help to beat this demon. What is believed to keep causing the depression is actually anxiety. Haven't been diagnosed yet so unsure if it's just social or general, but teamed up with depression, it makes day-to-day life Hell.
I've arranged for counselling and to see a life advisor about my issues too, but this is a long process and the mental health issue has no quick solution. So uni will definitely be a struggle due to the mental health issues - I'm always exhausted, not enjoying any sports/societies I was originally in, no interests, missing lectures, can't concentrate on things for long. This course is also the first of its kind here (ironic, right? Didn't realise this until recently) so I don't hold much trust in the organisation and certainty of the course - our year is the trial and error group, I feel.
There's also the added stress of living from home, having the fire alarm constantly go off, noisy people disrupting any chance of trying for a decent sleeping pattern.
My parents are being really supportive about it all but I still feel overwhelmed with guilt for all the money they've put in.
I'm not enjoying it, can't see myself pulling together to complete all work in the three years seeing as I'm finding this year hard enough, and if I stay then the fear of failing anyway but having even more debt to repay terrifies me. If I stay, will the course content improve, and will I enjoy it?
But if I leave, I will of course seek mental health treatment locally, but what can I do? I've been searching for jobs and apprenticeships locally but no suitable are coming up. I can't take retail/point of contact or query jobs currently due to my anxiety (the fact that I'm not "normal" in social situations is obvious and has made previous retail/contact roles awkward). I'll speak to life advisor to see if there are any other courses I could switch to now. I can't do nothing again; that turns my mental state from almost extremely low to off the scales. I can't go through that again, it's torture.
So yet again, my life feels like one big confusing mess and I'm unsure whether to stay or leave. I know I must be the one to decide, but given my history I'm sure it's apparent that my decisions are terrible. Can anybody suggest any ideas or alternatives? Thanks for reading my whale of a background!