This is getting too much for me. On paper, my best option is to get a degree under my belt so I have a solid backup option, but I really don't know that I can do it. I've never been this profoundly unhappy and thoroughly miserable than I have since I started at university. Every single day I wonder what the hell I'm doing here, every single day I think about my future, and every single day it makes me sad as hell.
The abridged life story: did decently at schools, solid A-levels. Never really enjoyed it apart from Computing and DT. I love making things, I love machinery and I love showing others how. I was dead against uni, and took a gap year to figure things out, hunted for apprenticeships, looked for work, couldn't find anything meaningful. Decided that I should train to become a DT teacher. Good wages and holidays, access to a good workshop, and I enjoy teaching. I was never exactly passionate about the idea, but it seemed like the 'least worst' option. I'm hoping to do something else really (I might get to that), but I need a backup option, which is why doing this seems the best idea on paper.I go to UCA in Rochester doing Product Design. There's 6 on our course and one doesn't show up. The people are okay, can't fault them. The course is just... okay. Very lackluster and not much freedom, not the kind of projects I can get passionate about. I still take pride in my workmanship, but it's the other side that annoys the hell out of me. Being told things like "the product is great, but it lacks a narrative/story" multiple times makes me want to rage. I cannot muster the energy to put a modicum of effort into work like the reports we have to do or any of the more mundane stuff at home that isn't problem solving. I just don't care enough. If I'm honest, since I've started uni, I've put the most effort into developing my business plan, the second into using the workshop to machine parts for the grain mill I'm building, and thirdly the actual course.
I should mention the social side too, because it really doesn't help. As I say, there's 4 others on my course who actually turn up, and they're the only people I know. I commute in as many do here, but even if I didn't, you're put in halls with people on your course! Fresher's week basically didn't happen, and I was really annoyed to find out they got rid of our student bar over the summer break before I joined, which would have been ideal to meet people and chill out.Most of all though, I feel like I've betrayed myself more than anything. I look at the way I am, and I hate what I've become. I'm not myself, I don't carry the personality and passion I carry elsewhere. I used to have a good reputation, slightly unusual but charismatic I suppose. I'm the guy who turns up to parties with tons of homebrew, and by the end of the evening, we'll all have sung at least one sea shanty! People knew me, and I could just act like myself and feel welcome. Banter, I actually miss the friendly banter, there's just none of it anymore. I used to be an outdoors kinda guy. Over the last few years with A-Levels I slowly stopped going out walking, camping or shooting as the pressure got more and more and I had less time. I didn't really notice it. But now I look at myself in the mirror and I don't really see me anymore. I'm just another suburban student going to university. No trace of who I really am. For the first time the other day someone referred to me as a 'designer', and my first reaction was to try and correct them. Not that I have any disrespect for designers, it's just not what I ever considered myself to be, or ever wanted to be. Call me a blacksmith, a brewer, a machinist or a craftsman and I feel I can stand by that, but a designer... it's just not who I am.
I think I've done a terrible job of getting my point across, and probably made myself look like a moron, but I hope you get the gist. The point is, this is driving me insane. Problem is, I lack alternatives. I want to start this business, but it's risky. My plan was to start it up slowly alongside uni so I have a qualification to fall back on if things go wrong. But I'm really concerned I'm not going to make the 3 years, and I'm not even sure I want to. I know it would be better, but I have no motivation for it at all. The way I see it, I have these options:
- Continue like this, do uni while developing the business, but run the risk of not completing the course (wasting time and money) and/or being a miserable wreck the whole time
- Drop out and just go for the business and to hell with the consequences- risky, perfect if it pays off, but leaves me in the **** if it doesn't
- Look for alternatives. Not sure what there is. Couldn't find anything viable in my gap year, and I was desperate for something to avoid going to uni. Perhaps look at going to an agricultural college or something? Risks- the eternal anger of my parents
I'm in a rut. Something's got to change otherwise these next few years are going to be depressing as hell.