I cannot cope and I'm out of ideas
This is going to be a super long post, and I really don't know what I'll talk about, so if anything in this triggers you, I am super sorry.
Where to even start. First year university student, living away from home. Massive introvert. History of self harm, and blowing off any help given to me.
Basically I am a huge freaking mess. Second or third week into the semester, I was so unsure of what was going on, and what I was doing that I went to the toilets in the union and cut myself. So then that snapped me out of it, and I ran pretty much the whole way to my general practice. They tried to turn me away saying I'd have to come back in 5 hours, and only got me an emergency appointment when I broke into tears at the reception. I was offered 6 sessions of CBT, starting the week after. Two of those are already up...and I haven't gotten anywhere. I have no sort of diagnosis, nobody has even really asked questions about how I'm feeling. But tomorrow I have another one, after having to wait 3 weeks. Yay for waiting. I love waiting! (sarcasm)
The massive problem? I'm not telling the doctor the truth. It's not even a concious decision. Because in front of people I am a completely different person. I'm confident, chatty, sure of myself probably a certain amount of cocky as well. And I have no freaking connection to that person. Obviously I'm aware that it's me. But it's like watching someone live my life for me and it's freaky. But 'she' won't tell the truth. Because it's the fear of telling the truth. At no point does any of this sound healthy, and I'm scared they'll have to tell my family.
The problem with the way that 'I' act in front of people is that how the hell would they believe that this same girl is a mess? That she has pretty much 0 friends, doesn't get on with her flat mates because they are all confident and loud, is too afraid to actually do anything in her free time, has frequent breakdowns where she cannot do a single thing other than curl up on the floor and cry. That she is willing to hurt herself. University by no means triggered this. I have been messed up for years, but living alone means that it's not okay. I haven't cooked anything for weeks, because that means using the kitchen for more than 10 minutes, and I might bump into someone. My personal hygeine isn't terrible, but I can't say it is great either. I'm eating way too much junk food and sugar, because sugar is the way I decide to cope.
I just feel like I'm losing my mind, and when I do breakdown I have no idea what is going on. I'm scared there will be one where I do something stupid. Already I've skipped lectures because the idea of being around people has been too much, and then when I go home I get angry with myself for 'giving in'. I wish I could get things across to the doctor, but I never will. I lied my way out of therapy before, and this is going the same way, and I can't afford for that to happen.
And then there is doubt. Serious doubt about if I'm actually ill, or if I am attention seeking. Which makes no sense, because I won't tell anyone about any of this stuff, and I'm terrified of them finding out. But I keep wondering if I'm acting, if I'm not actually ill at all, and only pretending. Maybe I'm just being a horrible attention seeking person. I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I can't handle any of this and I don't know where to turn. I'm honestly scared.
I'm sorry
Where to even start. First year university student, living away from home. Massive introvert. History of self harm, and blowing off any help given to me.
Basically I am a huge freaking mess. Second or third week into the semester, I was so unsure of what was going on, and what I was doing that I went to the toilets in the union and cut myself. So then that snapped me out of it, and I ran pretty much the whole way to my general practice. They tried to turn me away saying I'd have to come back in 5 hours, and only got me an emergency appointment when I broke into tears at the reception. I was offered 6 sessions of CBT, starting the week after. Two of those are already up...and I haven't gotten anywhere. I have no sort of diagnosis, nobody has even really asked questions about how I'm feeling. But tomorrow I have another one, after having to wait 3 weeks. Yay for waiting. I love waiting! (sarcasm)
The massive problem? I'm not telling the doctor the truth. It's not even a concious decision. Because in front of people I am a completely different person. I'm confident, chatty, sure of myself probably a certain amount of cocky as well. And I have no freaking connection to that person. Obviously I'm aware that it's me. But it's like watching someone live my life for me and it's freaky. But 'she' won't tell the truth. Because it's the fear of telling the truth. At no point does any of this sound healthy, and I'm scared they'll have to tell my family.
The problem with the way that 'I' act in front of people is that how the hell would they believe that this same girl is a mess? That she has pretty much 0 friends, doesn't get on with her flat mates because they are all confident and loud, is too afraid to actually do anything in her free time, has frequent breakdowns where she cannot do a single thing other than curl up on the floor and cry. That she is willing to hurt herself. University by no means triggered this. I have been messed up for years, but living alone means that it's not okay. I haven't cooked anything for weeks, because that means using the kitchen for more than 10 minutes, and I might bump into someone. My personal hygeine isn't terrible, but I can't say it is great either. I'm eating way too much junk food and sugar, because sugar is the way I decide to cope.
I just feel like I'm losing my mind, and when I do breakdown I have no idea what is going on. I'm scared there will be one where I do something stupid. Already I've skipped lectures because the idea of being around people has been too much, and then when I go home I get angry with myself for 'giving in'. I wish I could get things across to the doctor, but I never will. I lied my way out of therapy before, and this is going the same way, and I can't afford for that to happen.
And then there is doubt. Serious doubt about if I'm actually ill, or if I am attention seeking. Which makes no sense, because I won't tell anyone about any of this stuff, and I'm terrified of them finding out. But I keep wondering if I'm acting, if I'm not actually ill at all, and only pretending. Maybe I'm just being a horrible attention seeking person. I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I can't handle any of this and I don't know where to turn. I'm honestly scared.
I'm sorry
(edited 8 years ago)
I just want to let you know I can totally relate to this and you're not alone. I also know a couple more people going through kind of similar experiences. Seriously, although you don't know what's going on in your head; you're not alone in that. One friend described it as someone else being in your skull for a period of time and there's nothing you can do but feel the backlash after 'they' are gone.
I was actually too scared to even go to the doctors or tell anyone because I thought I was faking it. I told myself that I was just convincing my brain that I had all of this stuff going on and it was a lie? Fortunately, I steadied myself by gradually devoting myself more and more to school and studying. I guess that just kind of masks the problem but it helped me so I'm not complaining.
By the sounds of it you're attending therapy sessions, yes? If you feel like you're struggling to get your point across when you're there, why don't you try taking a note of what you feel prior to going to one of your sessions. So for example; if on a Thursday night you feel really lonely and are having bad thoughts then write it down and you can take it to your next session and give it to your doctor - they want to help by any means necessary and this will let them see how often you have these thoughts and it will also be easier than actually telling them, well that's how I see it.
I understand if this method isn't for you (afterall, I couldn't even help myself properly) but I hope that you atleast get some inspiration for another way you could get around the problem.
I was actually too scared to even go to the doctors or tell anyone because I thought I was faking it. I told myself that I was just convincing my brain that I had all of this stuff going on and it was a lie? Fortunately, I steadied myself by gradually devoting myself more and more to school and studying. I guess that just kind of masks the problem but it helped me so I'm not complaining.
By the sounds of it you're attending therapy sessions, yes? If you feel like you're struggling to get your point across when you're there, why don't you try taking a note of what you feel prior to going to one of your sessions. So for example; if on a Thursday night you feel really lonely and are having bad thoughts then write it down and you can take it to your next session and give it to your doctor - they want to help by any means necessary and this will let them see how often you have these thoughts and it will also be easier than actually telling them, well that's how I see it.
I understand if this method isn't for you (afterall, I couldn't even help myself properly) but I hope that you atleast get some inspiration for another way you could get around the problem.
Original post by Anonymous
This is going to be a super long post, and I really don't know what I'll talk about, so if anything in this triggers you, I am super sorry.
Where to even start. First year university student, living away from home. Massive introvert. History of self harm, and blowing off any help given to me.
Basically I am a huge freaking mess. Second or third week into the semester, I was so unsure of what was going on, and what I was doing that I went to the toilets in the union and cut myself. So then that snapped me out of it, and I ran pretty much the whole way to my general practice. They tried to turn me away saying I'd have to come back in 5 hours, and only got me an emergency appointment when I broke into tears at the reception. I was offered 6 sessions of CBT, starting the week after. Two of those are already up...and I haven't gotten anywhere. I have no sort of diagnosis, nobody has even really asked questions about how I'm feeling. But tomorrow I have another one, after having to wait 3 weeks. Yay for waiting. I love waiting! (sarcasm)
The massive problem? I'm not telling the doctor the truth. It's not even a concious decision. Because in front of people I am a completely different person. I'm confident, chatty, sure of myself probably a certain amount of cocky as well. And I have no freaking connection to that person. Obviously I'm aware that it's me. But it's like watching someone live my life for me and it's freaky. But 'she' won't tell the truth. Because it's the fear of telling the truth. At no point does any of this sound healthy, and I'm scared they'll have to tell my family.
The problem with the way that 'I' act in front of people is that how the hell would they believe that this same girl is a mess? That she has pretty much 0 friends, doesn't get on with her flat mates because they are all confident and loud, is too afraid to actually do anything in her free time, has frequent breakdowns where she cannot do a single thing other than curl up on the floor and cry. That she is willing to hurt herself. University by no means triggered this. I have been messed up for years, but living alone means that it's not okay. I haven't cooked anything for weeks, because that means using the kitchen for more than 10 minutes, and I might bump into someone. My personal hygeine isn't terrible, but I can't say it is great either. I'm eating way too much junk food and sugar, because sugar is the way I decide to cope.
I just feel like I'm losing my mind, and when I do breakdown I have no idea what is going on. I'm scared there will be one where I do something stupid. Already I've skipped lectures because the idea of being around people has been too much, and then when I go home I get angry with myself for 'giving in'. I wish I could get things across to the doctor, but I never will. I lied my way out of therapy before, and this is going the same way, and I can't afford for that to happen.
And then there is doubt. Serious doubt about if I'm actually ill, or if I am attention seeking. Which makes no sense, because I won't tell anyone about any of this stuff, and I'm terrified of them finding out. But I keep wondering if I'm acting, if I'm not actually ill at all, and only pretending. Maybe I'm just being a horrible attention seeking person. I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I can't handle any of this and I don't know where to turn. I'm honestly scared.
I'm sorry
Where to even start. First year university student, living away from home. Massive introvert. History of self harm, and blowing off any help given to me.
Basically I am a huge freaking mess. Second or third week into the semester, I was so unsure of what was going on, and what I was doing that I went to the toilets in the union and cut myself. So then that snapped me out of it, and I ran pretty much the whole way to my general practice. They tried to turn me away saying I'd have to come back in 5 hours, and only got me an emergency appointment when I broke into tears at the reception. I was offered 6 sessions of CBT, starting the week after. Two of those are already up...and I haven't gotten anywhere. I have no sort of diagnosis, nobody has even really asked questions about how I'm feeling. But tomorrow I have another one, after having to wait 3 weeks. Yay for waiting. I love waiting! (sarcasm)
The massive problem? I'm not telling the doctor the truth. It's not even a concious decision. Because in front of people I am a completely different person. I'm confident, chatty, sure of myself probably a certain amount of cocky as well. And I have no freaking connection to that person. Obviously I'm aware that it's me. But it's like watching someone live my life for me and it's freaky. But 'she' won't tell the truth. Because it's the fear of telling the truth. At no point does any of this sound healthy, and I'm scared they'll have to tell my family.
The problem with the way that 'I' act in front of people is that how the hell would they believe that this same girl is a mess? That she has pretty much 0 friends, doesn't get on with her flat mates because they are all confident and loud, is too afraid to actually do anything in her free time, has frequent breakdowns where she cannot do a single thing other than curl up on the floor and cry. That she is willing to hurt herself. University by no means triggered this. I have been messed up for years, but living alone means that it's not okay. I haven't cooked anything for weeks, because that means using the kitchen for more than 10 minutes, and I might bump into someone. My personal hygeine isn't terrible, but I can't say it is great either. I'm eating way too much junk food and sugar, because sugar is the way I decide to cope.
I just feel like I'm losing my mind, and when I do breakdown I have no idea what is going on. I'm scared there will be one where I do something stupid. Already I've skipped lectures because the idea of being around people has been too much, and then when I go home I get angry with myself for 'giving in'. I wish I could get things across to the doctor, but I never will. I lied my way out of therapy before, and this is going the same way, and I can't afford for that to happen.
And then there is doubt. Serious doubt about if I'm actually ill, or if I am attention seeking. Which makes no sense, because I won't tell anyone about any of this stuff, and I'm terrified of them finding out. But I keep wondering if I'm acting, if I'm not actually ill at all, and only pretending. Maybe I'm just being a horrible attention seeking person. I don't know. I have no idea what to do. I can't handle any of this and I don't know where to turn. I'm honestly scared.
I'm sorry
You legit just described how I've felt for a long time. except I don't cut myself but instead I get physically ill a lot with stress I guess. There isn't really many days where I feel physically well as I've always got a bad headache, migraine, extreme tiredness, tonsillitis or a cold and it literally cycles round. And when I am well for the odd few days, I sometimes almost wish I wasn't because I'm so used to being ill. I've recently started uni as well and is the best course I have ever done and I'm the happiest I've ever been. But I still find myself being ill a lot and feeling stupidly sad for absolutely no reason. Maybe I'm not used to being this happy but to be honest, I'm just fed up of this vicious cycle. And literally no one knows this is how I feel so I don't know what to do either. I hope whatever it is that is getting you down gets sorted! Obviously life is hard trust me I know and sometimes socialising can be really hard and isn't always as simple as just 'doing it' like people might tell you to. And with the whole pretending to be happy I do that everyday and wish I could tell you how to stop pretending but I have a feeling it will never be as simple as that. But what I can say is, if you ever feel bad or wanna cut, just keep replying to this post on exactly how you feel even and try to wait at least 10 minutes to really think about if you actually want to cut and hopefully by then you may have calmed down a little bit and realise that nothing is worth cutting yourself over.
