I hate the way I am and just really feel unhappy with life, I just don't know what to do.
TL
R - My issues (1) my body, (2) low self esteem, quiet voice and awkwardness, (3) unable to talk to girls.
(1) - I'm skinny fat, and I've tried working out but I just struggle to go to the gym regularly enough, two weeks I'll stick to it, one month off or I can only go twice a week. I can't drive so rely on my parents to drop me off, but some days they refuse to. I got progain extreme, but I'm considering steroids, hopefully that can make me muscular. No girl wants a skinny dude like me, I look disgusting.
(2) - I have such low self esteem due to being bullied since primary school, I was mocked for being Asian, mocked for being skinny, and mocked for being quiet (ironically I was quiet because I wanted no attention or to be bullied).
Now I just act awkward in public, I'm so aware of how I'm standing and it probably shows by my body language, I just probably look weird. I hunch a lot now because of a belly I have now and I just feel so ugly and disgusting that I just want to hide. I no longer like leaving the house.
(3) - I'm 21 and never had a girlfriend or even kissed. I was always ugly, and now I've had the person on occasion say I'm good looking, I mostly get called cute, because I've not got a very masculine face. But even though I guess I'm average looking now, girls pay me no attention, they still look at me like I'm trash or really ugly. When I talk to a girl, I'm too scared to appear creepy or pervy, I don't flirt or be naughty. I'm just really "nice" and friendly, and they no longer see me as a potential partner. Sometimes I see a pretty girl in public and want to at least smile, but I'm too scared as she'll think I'm a creep as I'm an ugly guy tbh.
So yeah, I'm just fed up, these some things and I just don't know what to do. I've just feel like giving up on life, I don't see what there is to live for if I'm so miserable, like anybody would care if I just disappeared anyway.