In Desperate Need of Relationship Advice

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry if this ends up as a really long post :colondollar:

I'm in a bit of a confusing, difficult place at the moment. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years now, and I love the death out of him. We spent a year travelling together and he was there for me when I had some pretty shitty times due to family issues, so he's been a massive part of my life. Recently though, things seem to be going pear-shaped.

We're arguing a lot more than we used to, both in person and over text, and it often feels like I'm speaking to a brick wall in conversations i.e. I'll send a fairly sizeable text, and he'll respond with one word answers. He's extremely defensive and constantly thinks I'm criticising him, patronising him e.t.c. He's always been a paranoid person, not in a cheating on him way, but in the sense that he doesn't believe I love him and thinks I'm leading him on. I've been quite generous with him as well i.e. paid our rent alone for a while when he was looking for a job, and it never feels very appreciated at all.

On several occasions he's told me how he thinks our relationship is now 'empty' and how things are different between us whenever we're together, and I don't think he realises how upset that makes me (I have told him). I mean, that's not something you want your boyfriend of 3 years to say to you. He's also said and done some rather mean things, and often ends up very angry at me when drunk (nothing abusive, just in an awful mood, shouting, arguing e.t.c often for no solid reason). He never really apologises for anything, either, and rarely takes the blame for anything.

As for me, I am very bad at showing physical affection, so I understand why he worries about me not loving him. Our sex life has turned pretty non-existent too, which I blame on myself because my sex drive has almost disappeared (I still find him attractive, it's me, not him). I will also admit that, for whatever stupid reason, I don't stop myself when I can sense him getting wound up. For example, if he's saying something I don't agree with I'll clearly show that I don't agree and argue back (even when he's calmed down) relentlessly. I'm also a very non-confrontational person, so if I'm upset with him over something I'll drop hints and tip-toe around the subject. He always sees straight through it and I hate being manipulative, so I've no idea why I do it. I'm trying to stop, but it's difficult.

I'm just very unsure of what I should do because it feels like I constantly make him miserable, and sometimes I wonder if he's actually not very nice to me. He means the world to me, though, and I am as much in love with him as I was at the beginning. Plus with the family stuff mentioned earlier, if it wasn't for him I would seriously not have dealt with that even half as well as I did. He's admitted to me a big part of the reason he doesn't think I love him anymore is due to my lack of physical affection, and as awful as this is I sometimes wonder if I should force myself to have sex when I don't want it, just to try and fix that.

I don't know, I just feel completely lost at the moment. We speak about it a lot, and this is where his comments on our relationship being empty derive from, but it never seems to solve anything. I just need some advice on what to do next, really.

Thanks guys, so sorry about the length of this post!

Reply 1

shawn_o1

hm has the swear filter ****ing disappeared? no it hasn't, it seems ****/shitty/shite is no longer one :wink:

anyway, the relationship has run its course, you've tried and it hasn't worked so leave it

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 2

whorace

There are non sexual ways of physical affection obviously, do you make an effort to get close to him like that? I do think it sounds he is slightly confused, when affection fades a relationship can feel like it becomes a friendship.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Yeah, I'd say so. I mean, I always hug him, play with his hair, hold his hand, cuddle him in bed, tell him I love him e.t.c. Although he is often the one to kiss me, not vice versa. I've no idea why I'm like that and I don't really realise I'm doing it until he points it out, it's extremely frustrating. I'm going to make a conscious effort to change that when I see him next. It has generally been like that from the get go, though, so I don't know why he feels this way all of a sudden.

Reply 4

Zarek

To be honest, it feels like the relationship might have run its course. All I can think of is some really open and frank discussion to try to rejuvenate things or to end them as amicably as possible. Good luck.

Reply 5

insert-username

Communicate.
Sit down and have a serious conversation with him about the future of your relationship. You both need to decide if you can make your relationship healthy again or if its time to end things.

A relationship is a two way street, you've both got to be willing to talk through your issues. Crying about it to yourself and starting threads about it on TSR isn't going to solve anything if you aren't willing to confront him.

Honestly, just send him a link to this post, that way you can save yourself any anxiety of having to confront him directly. Send him a link to your post and let him read it for himself.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by insert-username

Communicate.Sit down and have a serious conversation with him about the future of your relationship. You both need to decide if you can make your relationship healthy again or if its time to end things.A relationship is a two way street, you've both got to be willing to talk through your issues. Crying about it to yourself and starting threads about it on TSR isn't going to solve anything if you aren't willing to confront him.Honestly, just send him a link to this post, that way you can save yourself any anxiety of having to confront him directly. Send him a link to your post and let him read it for himself.

We have spoken about it a few times, though, that's the most frustrating thing. I've said all this to him :erm:

I think neither of us wants to end things because we still care so much about each other, and maybe we're not putting in enough effort to try and sort things out. I'm just running out of ideas, and as Zarek said, I'm beginning to worry there's nothing we can do. I just want an outsider's viewpoint on the situation because I'm full of personal attachment and biases.