I know this is going to sound over-reactive, melodramatic and sulky; but I can't think of any good reason to be alive. I don't have any one to live for, nor do I have any thing to live for. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm suicidal as I don't really have any reason to die either. Everything is just so dull and grey and boring. I'm an extra in my own life, not even a main character.
I've had depression before, but this feels different to what I've felt in the past. It's starting to manifest physically, more so then before. I constantly have butterflies in my stomach making it difficult to do much. If I think about this stuff too much, it feels like there's a boot on my chest pushing the air out making it difficult for me to breathe.
I'm not particularly good at anything, music, academics, relationships. I've been playing a certain instrument for years and I'm still at a level you'd expect someone with a year's experience, perhaps less, to be at. I can't even write music either, despite how long I've been trying. Every time I think I come out with something semi-decent I either realise it's too similar to an existing piece, or I come back to it the next day and it's cringeworthly bad.
I'm also in my first year at uni, on a course that should be my dream course, but I find the content so un-engaging and boring. It's only my second term and I'm already just skipping classes because I have no motivation to go to them. I wake up in the mornings and just lie in bed staring at the ceiling, unable to drag myself out until I know I'm not going to go in. Then I spend the rest of my day hating myself for it. I know I'm falling behind in one module especially, but I can't bring myself to do study.
The icing on the cake is the fact I'm a pretty deplorable human being as well. I've never been a people person, but I find it very difficult to like people now more then ever. I decide whether or not I like people without even talking to them at times. The smallest, most insignificant traits in people bug me to the point I start to dislike them. When people are too nice to me in real life, I think I start to dislike them even more. I'm extremely judgemental, even though I recognise I'm far far worse then most people. Things that wouldn't even be noticeable to most people, I fixate upon.
I've realised pretty much everything about myself is a lie, my confidence is a lie, my personality is a lie, my entire character is a lie. They're just things I've told myself until I can't remember what is and isn't true. I just want to dig a deep hole and lie in it by myself forever.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this to be honest, I suppose it feels good to write everything down. Makes it easier to think about I guess.