He didn't pay for the first date...is he a cheapskate? What do I infer from this?
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Original post by Cremated_Spatula
I have the right to criticise what you're offended by, as much as you have a right to be offended by someone calling you a cheapskate.
It's still not name calling by any means, since I didn't intend to insult.
Calling you an idiot for example, would be name calling.
It's still not name calling by any means, since I didn't intend to insult.
Calling you an idiot for example, would be name calling.
'Cheapskate' is generally considered a derogatory term...
Yes you have the right to criticise whatever you want, but it's how you communicate that criticism which results in offence/ non-offence.
Stressing what your intention is, kind of lacks empathy. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you intend, because the outcome impacts on the other person.
Let's try and see things from OP's perspective:
She has been treated not great before by the sounds of things.
Her friends have put doubts into her head. e.g 'run'
She isn't used to this behaviour and is confused.
So presumably she is scared of getting hurt, wants to see if she should listen to her friends and doesn't know what she should make of it. Perhaps she is just trying to rationalise this with the baby thing, perhaps she is just bugged by it breaking social convention but whatever the reason behind her worrying this would be my advice : you can't tell all that much from one date, give him another shot and yes you are scared of 'emotional investment' but will you really invest that much from a couple more dates? Can you see how although I disagree with her about how much you can tell from a first date, I am not calling her hyper-judgemental?
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
So I'm in my early 20's and find this very unusual. The only guy who I've had this before was my last ex and he was so stingy throughout our relationship it really made me feel a bit worthless to him: he had been burnt by a golddigger before however did get better when the relationship hit the six month mark. But... new guy isn't earning a six figure salary/ doesn't have family money so i don't know what his deal is.
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
is he rich?
Original post by laffytaffy
'Cheapskate' is generally considered a derogatory term...
Yes you have the right to criticise whatever you want, but it's how you communicate that criticism which results in offence/ non-offence.
Stressing what your intention is, kind of lacks empathy. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you intend, because the outcome impacts on the other person.
Let's try and see things from OP's perspective:
She has been treated not great before by the sounds of things.
Her friends have put doubts into her head. e.g 'run'
She isn't used to this behaviour and is confused.
So presumably she is scared of getting hurt, wants to see if she should listen to her friends and doesn't know what she should make of it. Perhaps she is just trying to rationalise this with the baby thing, perhaps she is just bugged by it breaking social convention but whatever the reason behind her worrying this would be my advice : you can't tell all that much from one date, give him another shot and yes you are scared of 'emotional investment' but will you really invest that much from a couple more dates? Can you see how although I disagree with her about how much you can tell from a first date, I am not making calling her hyper-judgemental?
Yes you have the right to criticise whatever you want, but it's how you communicate that criticism which results in offence/ non-offence.
Stressing what your intention is, kind of lacks empathy. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you intend, because the outcome impacts on the other person.
Let's try and see things from OP's perspective:
She has been treated not great before by the sounds of things.
Her friends have put doubts into her head. e.g 'run'
She isn't used to this behaviour and is confused.
So presumably she is scared of getting hurt, wants to see if she should listen to her friends and doesn't know what she should make of it. Perhaps she is just trying to rationalise this with the baby thing, perhaps she is just bugged by it breaking social convention but whatever the reason behind her worrying this would be my advice : you can't tell all that much from one date, give him another shot and yes you are scared of 'emotional investment' but will you really invest that much from a couple more dates? Can you see how although I disagree with her about how much you can tell from a first date, I am not making calling her hyper-judgemental?
I don't even understand your point, I don't care if she is offended (why should I pander to her emotional needs?), the only reason she would be offended is if it's true, what I said is very reasonable.
'Derogatory term' Why did she use it then?
"She has been treated not great before by the sounds of things.Her friends have put doubts into her head. e.g 'run'She isn't used to this behaviour and is confused."
1. She said her ex was stingy... I kind of see what you mean, she doesn't want to make the same mistake, but writing someone off in this situation is completely illogical.
2. Being influenced by her friends doesn't change anything. (To be fair, I had not read quite a lot of the comments that weren't directed at me)
3. According to you she is "supposed to understand societal norms", one of which is that plenty of men and women prefer to split the bill until they get more intimately acquainted with one another.
You say "people are allowed to have feelings that differ from yours...and different attitudes and opinions" then also dictate to me in an incredibly condescending way, how I should voice my opinions...
(edited 8 years ago)
Lol. OP, you're ridiculous or sexist.
Either way, I'd be gone if I knew you'd made this thread after having been on a date with you.
Either way, I'd be gone if I knew you'd made this thread after having been on a date with you.
Original post by Cremated_Spatula
I assure you, you are the cheapskate for expecting him to pay for everything, perhaps you should be less concerned with how generous men are to you and more concerned with how generous you are to other people.
your wisdom in these situations is infinite.
have a follow
Original post by theDanIdentity
your wisdom in these situations is infinite.
have a follow
have a follow
I'm flattered, thanks
Original post by Anonymous
So I'm in my early 20's and find this very unusual. The only guy who I've had this before was my last ex and he was so stingy throughout our relationship it really made me feel a bit worthless to him: he had been burnt by a golddigger before however did get better when the relationship hit the six month mark. But... new guy isn't earning a six figure salary/ doesn't have family money so i don't know what his deal is.
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
That equality means equality?
I've been on dates with men who have wanted to split the bill, men who have offered to pay for the entire bill and a man who did not even want to pay for tap water on the bill. Out of all of the three I believe the cheapskate is the man that did not want to pay for what he had ordered. The same way you are analyzing him to determine if he fits the bill, he is doing the same to see how you operate. I wouldn't hold this against him, if you like him then go on another date.
Original post by phunky_fresh
I've been on dates with men who have wanted to split the bill, men who have offered to pay for the entire bill and a man who did not even want to pay for tap water on the bill. Out of all of the three I believe the cheapskate is the man that did not want to pay for what he had ordered. The same way you are analyzing him to determine if he fits the bill, he is doing the same to see how you operate. I wouldn't hold this against him, if you like him then go on another date.
If you ever pay for tap water, you are being sorely ripped off I'm afraid.
Original post by Anonymous
So I'm in my early 20's and find this very unusual. The only guy who I've had this before was my last ex and he was so stingy throughout our relationship it really made me feel a bit worthless to him: he had been burnt by a golddigger before however did get better when the relationship hit the six month mark. But... new guy isn't earning a six figure salary/ doesn't have family money so i don't know what his deal is.
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
He didnt pay for the date?
Well you can thank feminism for that.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by LiquidGold
If you ever pay for tap water, you are being sorely ripped off I'm afraid.
It was a joke to emphasise how much of a cheapskate he was. He didn't want to pay for anything. Unless I offer to treat someone then I don't feel as though I should pay for the entire bill.
In a world where we expect all genders to be equal, you should never expect something of someone depending on their gender so no, he didn't have to pay for the date, he's not a cheapskate and you need to get over the idea that men pay on the first date, it's incredibly outdated
(edited 8 years ago)
Right to OP.
see, these are the reasons why people don't like you. you cannot expect a random man to be footing the bill for YOUR meal on a date. before you state: 'he who asks, pays'; did you not agree to the date? does it not take two opinions in agreement of a date before they date? are you not an adult? do you not have the ability to stand on your own two feet? are you not meant to be able to take care of yourself? why should someone else have to do it for you? much less someone you're getting to know for the first time?
lets flip the script. would it be absurd if the guy asked YOU to pay for his meal on the first date, to judge how 'generous' you are? and then does the same to the 'other girls' he's seeing? (as you explicitly stated that you're seeing other guys. nothing wrong with that; but everything wrong with the mentality that it is the guys' obligations to look after your childish, sexist, immature self). yes. yes it would be absurd as you'd expect him to suggest on going on half. or as you'd expect him to pay for YOU all because you've got a pair of tits; Nothing Else. can you see how sexist you are now?
this isn't a free meal. the whole point of the date is to: GET TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON. focusing on his money and attempting to get a free meal out of him isn't doing so. and **** off with that 'how will i know he is generous' line you're trying to back your statement on. that is ********. you could EASILY find out how generous someone else with a thousand other ways of finding out.
regardless, people date to have fun; but lets be honest here. you claim to be dating so as to find out if he'd be a good 'father'. 1) you just met the dude. 2) you know Nothing about him. 3) you havn't even been dating for 5 months, let alone 5 days. it's the first ****ing date and you claim to be screening to see if he'd be a good 'father'? how dumb do you think the users on TSR are?
in all honesty, you really do seem high maintenance, and i PRAY for that guys' sake (and every other guy you will ever come across; until you change your mindset) that they notice early on and walk away. they'd be dodging a massive ****ing bullet here.
see, these are the reasons why people don't like you. you cannot expect a random man to be footing the bill for YOUR meal on a date. before you state: 'he who asks, pays'; did you not agree to the date? does it not take two opinions in agreement of a date before they date? are you not an adult? do you not have the ability to stand on your own two feet? are you not meant to be able to take care of yourself? why should someone else have to do it for you? much less someone you're getting to know for the first time?
lets flip the script. would it be absurd if the guy asked YOU to pay for his meal on the first date, to judge how 'generous' you are? and then does the same to the 'other girls' he's seeing? (as you explicitly stated that you're seeing other guys. nothing wrong with that; but everything wrong with the mentality that it is the guys' obligations to look after your childish, sexist, immature self). yes. yes it would be absurd as you'd expect him to suggest on going on half. or as you'd expect him to pay for YOU all because you've got a pair of tits; Nothing Else. can you see how sexist you are now?
this isn't a free meal. the whole point of the date is to: GET TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON. focusing on his money and attempting to get a free meal out of him isn't doing so. and **** off with that 'how will i know he is generous' line you're trying to back your statement on. that is ********. you could EASILY find out how generous someone else with a thousand other ways of finding out.
regardless, people date to have fun; but lets be honest here. you claim to be dating so as to find out if he'd be a good 'father'. 1) you just met the dude. 2) you know Nothing about him. 3) you havn't even been dating for 5 months, let alone 5 days. it's the first ****ing date and you claim to be screening to see if he'd be a good 'father'? how dumb do you think the users on TSR are?
in all honesty, you really do seem high maintenance, and i PRAY for that guys' sake (and every other guy you will ever come across; until you change your mindset) that they notice early on and walk away. they'd be dodging a massive ****ing bullet here.
(edited 8 years ago)
You're over thinking all of this and being quite entitled, selfish and sexist. Just because he is a man does not mean he should have to pay for you on a first date. Do you have any idea how pricey that would be over a man's entire life to have to pay for the entirety of every single first date he has been on because of sexist social norms?
Your worries on this are completely illogical and inconsistent. Please see it for what it is, not some weird ass backwards standard that has been pushed into your brain from conventional 50s dating.
Your worries on this are completely illogical and inconsistent. Please see it for what it is, not some weird ass backwards standard that has been pushed into your brain from conventional 50s dating.
Original post by Anonymous
So I'm in my early 20's and find this very unusual. The only guy who I've had this before was my last ex and he was so stingy throughout our relationship it really made me feel a bit worthless to him: he had been burnt by a golddigger before however did get better when the relationship hit the six month mark. But... new guy isn't earning a six figure salary/ doesn't have family money so i don't know what his deal is.
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
In new guys defence: we did go to an expensive restaurant and we are both students ...however I did say I'd be happy to go somewhere cheap like pizza express. I'm also unsure if it's cultural thing.
I really like new guy, but I don't know if the not offering to pay means a. he's not in it for the long haul 2. he's a cheapskate or what. I guess why it matters is I am quite ready to settle down and I want someone to settle down who will be willing to share financially when I'm pregnant and not able to work etc but also it feels good when you're boyfriend treats you, and I like to treat them back too and it feels a bit one sided if you're the only one doing the treating.
My general approach to who pays is, 'guy pays for first date...from there on go halfs a few times, then it depends on both people's financials situations and usually contribute proportionally.'
Did you tell him how you feel, or did you do what most women do and assume he is a mind reader? Maybe he is a feminist and expects to always go halves?
Yeah I'm sure you'd also complain if he said he felt women should stay in the kitchen and shouldn't be able to earn their own living.
It's exactly the same principle.
It's exactly the same principle.
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