Getting engaged at 19?

me and my boyfriend will have been together 4 years in a month or so, and recently we have both brought up the topic of engagement.

we feel ready and it is what we would like. we are currently in uni very far away from each other and because my course is 5 years (his is 3) we will be long distance for another 4 or so years. this would mean we wouldn't be getting married till after i graduate and so it would be a long term engagement.

the problem is after talking to friends and family they all just keep saying im to young and making a big mistake, and its making me wonder whether I really am jumping into things to soon. I see engagement as a token to say you want to spend your life with somebody, yet everyone just keeps telling me im to young to get tied down. yet some others are really supportive.

my boyfriend keeps telling me not to worry about what people think but I want to know what peoples views are on this (doesnt have to be to do with me, just in general) and why people seem to be so against young engagement!

anyone have any views?

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Reply 1

whorace

I'd offer a middle ground, to those saying you are too young to be tied down, they're probably the miserable singles who can't commit. To the others, I think they have serious concerns, you are very young. Marriage however is completely arbitrary, it's based on stupid bourgeoise norms, actually it was very common to get married at your age (sometimes way earlier) a while ago.

Reply 2

LiquidGold

Honestly i cant see the point; if you're not going to get married in the near future then why bother get engaged, you dont need to 'prove' that you are serious or long term, simply staying together shows that.

Reply 3

Reue

Too young. How long have you lived together?

Reply 4

dean01234

If you're not going to get married until you finish uni in a few years time is there really a point at the moment? If you don't have any short term (ish) intentions then its just an arbitrary gesture. If you're serious you'll still be able to keep the relationship going without a ring.

Honestly 19 is pretty young to be making such big decisions, but you've been together for 4 years so its not exactly rushing into things.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by whorace

I think my mum is just worried about me making decisions i may regret (and also his sister told her so she seemed a bit confused), she knows im mature for my age and that I will have put serious thought into this (I mean im even asking the internet for advice so that I get it from all angles), if her concerns were serious she would have told me.

my grandparents were married at 19 and had a child at 20, it is mad! we are a very traditional couple (traditional views on marriage and relationships) and so to us it seemed like the thing to do I guess.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by LiquidGold

our relationship has been through a lot, we both have had a few problems and we saw it more of a stop gap. university is so long for me, and he feels that being engaged to me would be a better option I guess.
Ii think my idea was if were going to get engaged at some point in the future, we may as well spend some time thinking about it and do it when we would like. Im not saying we will be engaged in 2 weeks, im not saying we will be engaged in a year, we may not be engaged 3 years from now, but he does want to buy me an engagement ring so that when the time comes he can ask (he is saving up).
this is what a lot of people have said, I also get the "dont you want to test the waters" a lot haha, maybe I just have different views on relationships to others.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Reue

Too young. How long have you lived together?

we have never had the financial means to live together sadly due to our university circumstances. we see eachother really often and practically live at eachothers houses in the summer, but financially right now we cannot maintain a house/flat together, especially considering we go to universities which are 4 hours away from eachother.

can I ask why you say to young? a lot of people say that and im genuinly curious as to why people think this?

Reply 8

Reue

Original post by Anonymous

Already it sounds like you're trying to over justify it... not a good sign.

Too young because you've been child for a majority of your relationship. There is a high chance it won't last the next few years at uni.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by dean01234

your last point is how we ended up discussing this, we have grown a lot as a couple and independently after coming to uni (we have also been through a lot together) and at the 4 year mark i feel that I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, I have had deep thoughts about this over and over, and if I reason with myself Ii think the doubts stem from what other people will think of the engagement rather than what Ii actually want. because I do want to get engaged, or else it wouldnt even be a topic of dicussion, I just value my families and friends opinions a little to highly I guess.

I am studying medicine and so have 4.5 years to go, and then I want to register as a doctor in my maiden name (so 1 year after graduation) before getting married. so were looking at maybe a 5 year engagement/6 year engagement. in terms of the living situation, when he graduates after third year he wants to try and move down to me, but with my course and my placements it may be to financially strenuous on a still student and starting salary income. by 5th year I would like to be looking at moving in together at home, but that would only be an option if he was financially stable and found a job he really liked. we do have future plans, they are just long term.

Reply 10

Shumaya

I'm the same age as you and I can't imagine myself or any of my friends getting married. It's not unheard of though and people are different, I would admit that I'm quite immature. You're very young and there's definitely no rush, but if you're ready and you want to, you should do it. You can always get a divorce if you grow apart and get tired of each other.

Edit: I've just read that you'd be getting married in a few years and not now. In that case, I don't see the problem, an engagement isn't legally binding and you can just call it off if things go badly. It's not that deep.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by Reue

justify what? I was answering you question, its just a little more complex than the simple yes or no!

also thanks for the incredibly pessimistic attitude, love to know people have so much belief in the younger generation. we may have been young when we got together, but we have always been very mature as a couple and never rushed into anything (trust me were not your 16 and pregnant story), I value my career very highly as does he, hence why we cant live together, as we want to make a great life for ourselves before settling down.

thats your opinion, but you dont know us and what we have been through. god I could tell you some of the terrible things we have dealt with and still got through. I think the difference with the two of us is that we believe in fixing rather than throwing away, the modern day disposable attitude is why most relationships end in divorce. if your committed and both feel the same way then what distance or university will stop you. and before you say "he will get smashed one night and cheat" or "he will just find another girl", he was the one who suggested the idea, the one who plucked up the courage to ask my dad for advice about it in the near future and neither of us drink. were not exactly typical.

maybe im looking in the wrong place for advice, thanks for the input though, your view is very much like most other peoples.

Reply 12

dean01234

Original post by Reue

Sounds like you're trying to justify it? Did you really expect that two 19 year olds would have had to financial stability to live together, her reasons for not living together were entirely valid.

This last part sounds so bitter, there was a high chance that they wouldn't make it this far. There's a high chance that any relationship wont make it and there's a high chance that any marriage will end in divorce. What's your point? Give up on finding love completely?

Reply 13

Jenx301

Original post by Anonymous

If you have never lived together then I think you are definitely rushing into things. I know you say you practically live with each other over summer but it really isn't the same thing. Seems a little pointless to me if you are not planning to get married for a long time. You may as well wait until you are ready. You can stay together without needing to have a ring to prove things.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Original post by Shumaya

every bodies different I guess! I mean I can compare me and my friends of the same age. I have been in a stable relationship for 4 years, dont drink, dont party very much, I am training to become a doctor (and trying very hard at it) and have always been a very mature person. some of my friends drink, party all the time, dont take their degrees as seriously (which is a bummer as they still manage to get good grades... why medicine why!) and cannot see themselves committing for many years. everybody has different views on life and different ways to live it!

I agree here there really is no rush, thats why were taking it one step at a time, he doesnt want to spend his whole left arm on a ring and so we will wait until I find the right one at a good price, and we also dont want it to just be for the sake of it, we want to wait for a perfect time.

Ii love your last sentence, during our relationship we have had quite a few curve balls thrown at us, and we have dealt with them with only minor bumps in the road. I cannot tell you 100% that Ii will die in his arms (oh god the cheesiness is for real but I couldnt think of a better way to say it!) but right now thats what I see happening. only time will tell, but my view is that when it feels right it then there is nothing wrong!

Reply 15

Reue

Original post by Anonymous

also thanks for the incredibly pessimistic attitude, love to know people have so much belief in the younger generation.

You asked for my views and I gave them. Don't come asking for opinions on a public forum if you are going to get offended by them when they go against your own. Why even ask if you've effectively made up your mind already?

Original post by Anonymous

we may have been young when we got together, but we have always been very mature as a couple and never rushed into anything (trust me were not your 16 and pregnant story), I value my career very highly as does he, hence why we cant live together, as we want to make a great life for ourselves before settling down.

I thought I was mature at 19, as did every other 19 year old I knew. Almost a decade later and I can assure you that we all now think differently with hindsight. I strongly suspect you will too.

Original post by Anonymous

thats your opinion, but you dont know us

I dont, and neither does anyone else here. Which again begs the question; why even ask a bunch of strangers for their opinion?

Original post by Anonymous

maybe im looking in the wrong place for advice, thanks for the input though, your view is very much like most other peoples.

Do you want advice.. or purely for people to agree with what sounds like an already made decision?

Reply 16

user382

Bad idea.

You both will change so much in the next ten years.

25-30 is definitely a better time.

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

Original post by dean01234

that was what I thought about that post also, but everyone has different views.

every relationship is different as is every couple, and maybe my experience has been different to the OP's. I personally do not believe in statistics or speil about things never working out, I take everyday as it comes, but right now I can honestly say we are really strong as a couple and its looking unlikley we will split in the near future.

Reply 18

Reue

Original post by dean01234

Sounds like you're trying to justify it? Did you really expect that two 19 year olds would have had to financial stability to live together, her reasons for not living together were entirely valid.

No, I didnt expect them to. Hence why I didn't expect them to be ready for marriage.

Original post by dean01234

This last part sounds so bitter

Not at all

Original post by dean01234

there was a high chance that they wouldn't make it this far. There's a high chance that any relationship wont make it and there's a high chance that any marriage will end in divorce. What's your point? Give up on finding love completely?

My point was that a majority of university relationships do not last (as evidenced by many many many polls on the matter over the past 10 years of this forum). Marriage is supposed to be forever so I wouldn't recommend anyone entered it before completeing university given the high failure rate.