Unrequited love with 'boyfriend' (sorry, long post!)
I've gotten myself into the most heartbreaking situation, and really I think I just need to offload about it, I don't know. There probably isn't even any advice that anyone can give. But here goes. I'll try to keep it short.
Just under a year ago I met a close friend of my best friend's. I genuinely think he is one of the most special, amazing people I have ever met. I love him immensely and would do anything to make him happy. We have been 'seeing each other' since a couple of weeks after we met. But, we're not 'in a relationship'. He did say from the start that he did not want a relationship, and has since insisted that he will never want a relationship with anyone again... but, having only had the one long-term relationship myself, I naively thought that his feelings might change, that it was early days and no need to think that way yet anyway, that maybe there was some issue from his past that was making him feel that way that we could discuss and work through if it did become more serious... but, perhaps unsurprisingly for you that are not as naive as I am, things haven't changed.
The way we are, in many respects, is the same as a normal relationship - we speak every single day, I call him to wake him up for work, I generally see him every week (he has moved to a different city for work now - when we lived in the same place I would see him two or three times a week), he helps me out with uni work and tells me that I am capable of anything, and I would say we have a close and intimate connection. I regularly stay over at his parents house with him, and he mine. His family refer to me as his girlfriend, his mum got me Christmas presents and regularly sends me messages to see how I'm getting on. But outside of this, nobody really knows I exist. I have met a couple of his friends, and there was no issue there with me being cuddly and kissing him etc in front of them. But he's just 'hanging out with a friend' if friends ask him what he's doing and he's with me. Which, I guess, why wouldn't he be when he insists that it is not a relationship.
Here comes the worst parts: last month I finally plucked up the courage to tell him that I love him. I felt like I was going to burst at the seams trying to keep it in any longer. I wasn't expecting a gushing response of course, but it still hurt like hell when his reply was that he had made himself clear from the start, then simply asked "why?". He proceeded, of course, to say that he didn't love me, but that it wasn't anything specifically about me: he said that he no longer had the capacity to love anyone and doesn't even love his family anymore - which I don't believe at all, frankly, but he insists that this has been the case for a couple of years, and supposed that the way that I felt was probably 'normal'.
Which brings me on to the next thing. That day, he had met up with his (first) ex girlfriend. He had tried to avoid telling me who he was seeing, then eventually said who it was, not realising that I know that she is his ex girlfriend (guilty of looking through his old profile pictures and seeing her tagged in them). I know he still talks to her regularly, which wouldn't bother me as I still speak to my ex fairly frequently too and for me, there is no feelings there anymore. But there are little things that he has said about her in the past that makes me think that he still loves her, including "my exes are beautiful people inside and out", and is waiting for his career to take him to the city that she now lives in to make another go of things with her once they are living in the same place, as there is quite a big geographical distance between them at the moment. To me, I don't see why he would avoid telling me about it unless there was something going on, or at least some strong feelings there still. She sent him a card at Christmas as well which he has put on his windowsill, with the various cards that I have given him over the past few months. I never brought up the fact that he met up with her as, tbh, I didn't see any point - what would I even say?! I'm not his girlfriend afterall...
Here's the thing - I think that the reason he apparently doesn't have the capacity to love anyone is because he realised after breaking up with his last ex that he loves his first ex and that they were meant to be. Now I don't know this for sure; I'm only going off little things he's said and bits of information that I've come across that I perhaps shouldn't know about. I love him so much, I adore the absolute bones of him: and because of that, if he wants to be with her, then I want that for him too, as much as it breaks my heart, because I want him to be happy more than anything. And while he is waiting to be in the same place, she could find somebody else, and then he would have missed his chance. I'm a firm believer in that, if you love someone, you should tell them sooner rather than later, hence why I am so giving with my heart to him despite not really receiving much back - love isn't selfish after all (jihi). And, if she and him do love each other, I want him to go after it and give himself the best chance of happiness.
How can I even bring this up with him though when he doesn't even know that I know who his ex is and that he still talks to her regularly? I feel like I will just look possessive, which isn't the case at all, and his reaction would counteract my genuine sentiment. I would tell him that I am saying this to him as someone who cares about him very deeply, as a friend who is interested in his best interests. It might not even be the case, but I am torturing myself thinking about it, and feel like I need to say it to him.
The whole situation is breaking my heart a thousand times over. It feels so painful, and it's my own doing. But I care about him so much that I can't walk away from him, unless he lets me go. I want to do things to make him happy, and we are happy in each other's company. I like doing little things to make him feel better, I like taking care of him and making him feel good, because he means the world to me. I know he is basically the cat who got the cream, and why the hell would he walk away from the situation when he is getting the best of both worlds?! I know that I am, in short, being really stupid. But I'm in so deep now I can't abandon it. And of course there is the part of me that secretly hopes he will somehow change his mind, that whatever it is will change and he'll want to be with me properly - but I know this is both a stupid and hopeless way to think.
If you've read this far, well done!! I'm sorry, I just needed somewhere to vent. Unrequited love is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, the most painful thing ever in general I reckon, and I would not wish it on ANYONE!
Just under a year ago I met a close friend of my best friend's. I genuinely think he is one of the most special, amazing people I have ever met. I love him immensely and would do anything to make him happy. We have been 'seeing each other' since a couple of weeks after we met. But, we're not 'in a relationship'. He did say from the start that he did not want a relationship, and has since insisted that he will never want a relationship with anyone again... but, having only had the one long-term relationship myself, I naively thought that his feelings might change, that it was early days and no need to think that way yet anyway, that maybe there was some issue from his past that was making him feel that way that we could discuss and work through if it did become more serious... but, perhaps unsurprisingly for you that are not as naive as I am, things haven't changed.
The way we are, in many respects, is the same as a normal relationship - we speak every single day, I call him to wake him up for work, I generally see him every week (he has moved to a different city for work now - when we lived in the same place I would see him two or three times a week), he helps me out with uni work and tells me that I am capable of anything, and I would say we have a close and intimate connection. I regularly stay over at his parents house with him, and he mine. His family refer to me as his girlfriend, his mum got me Christmas presents and regularly sends me messages to see how I'm getting on. But outside of this, nobody really knows I exist. I have met a couple of his friends, and there was no issue there with me being cuddly and kissing him etc in front of them. But he's just 'hanging out with a friend' if friends ask him what he's doing and he's with me. Which, I guess, why wouldn't he be when he insists that it is not a relationship.
Here comes the worst parts: last month I finally plucked up the courage to tell him that I love him. I felt like I was going to burst at the seams trying to keep it in any longer. I wasn't expecting a gushing response of course, but it still hurt like hell when his reply was that he had made himself clear from the start, then simply asked "why?". He proceeded, of course, to say that he didn't love me, but that it wasn't anything specifically about me: he said that he no longer had the capacity to love anyone and doesn't even love his family anymore - which I don't believe at all, frankly, but he insists that this has been the case for a couple of years, and supposed that the way that I felt was probably 'normal'.
Which brings me on to the next thing. That day, he had met up with his (first) ex girlfriend. He had tried to avoid telling me who he was seeing, then eventually said who it was, not realising that I know that she is his ex girlfriend (guilty of looking through his old profile pictures and seeing her tagged in them). I know he still talks to her regularly, which wouldn't bother me as I still speak to my ex fairly frequently too and for me, there is no feelings there anymore. But there are little things that he has said about her in the past that makes me think that he still loves her, including "my exes are beautiful people inside and out", and is waiting for his career to take him to the city that she now lives in to make another go of things with her once they are living in the same place, as there is quite a big geographical distance between them at the moment. To me, I don't see why he would avoid telling me about it unless there was something going on, or at least some strong feelings there still. She sent him a card at Christmas as well which he has put on his windowsill, with the various cards that I have given him over the past few months. I never brought up the fact that he met up with her as, tbh, I didn't see any point - what would I even say?! I'm not his girlfriend afterall...
Here's the thing - I think that the reason he apparently doesn't have the capacity to love anyone is because he realised after breaking up with his last ex that he loves his first ex and that they were meant to be. Now I don't know this for sure; I'm only going off little things he's said and bits of information that I've come across that I perhaps shouldn't know about. I love him so much, I adore the absolute bones of him: and because of that, if he wants to be with her, then I want that for him too, as much as it breaks my heart, because I want him to be happy more than anything. And while he is waiting to be in the same place, she could find somebody else, and then he would have missed his chance. I'm a firm believer in that, if you love someone, you should tell them sooner rather than later, hence why I am so giving with my heart to him despite not really receiving much back - love isn't selfish after all (jihi). And, if she and him do love each other, I want him to go after it and give himself the best chance of happiness.
How can I even bring this up with him though when he doesn't even know that I know who his ex is and that he still talks to her regularly? I feel like I will just look possessive, which isn't the case at all, and his reaction would counteract my genuine sentiment. I would tell him that I am saying this to him as someone who cares about him very deeply, as a friend who is interested in his best interests. It might not even be the case, but I am torturing myself thinking about it, and feel like I need to say it to him.
The whole situation is breaking my heart a thousand times over. It feels so painful, and it's my own doing. But I care about him so much that I can't walk away from him, unless he lets me go. I want to do things to make him happy, and we are happy in each other's company. I like doing little things to make him feel better, I like taking care of him and making him feel good, because he means the world to me. I know he is basically the cat who got the cream, and why the hell would he walk away from the situation when he is getting the best of both worlds?! I know that I am, in short, being really stupid. But I'm in so deep now I can't abandon it. And of course there is the part of me that secretly hopes he will somehow change his mind, that whatever it is will change and he'll want to be with me properly - but I know this is both a stupid and hopeless way to think.
If you've read this far, well done!! I'm sorry, I just needed somewhere to vent. Unrequited love is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, the most painful thing ever in general I reckon, and I would not wish it on ANYONE!
Holy crap the guy sounds exactly like me, even down to the not loving the family and absolutely refusing to say 'i love you' but being honest about it. Glad I wasn't dick enough to put another girl through this though. If he is like me he does like you, probably has quite strong feelings for you, but he'll never let himself feel like he did with her, that's why he says he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean he doesn't want a relationship or even that he would have one with her if she asked.
You want a serious relationship and he doesn't. The fact that he doesn't want a relationship emphasises that he wants to be able to sleep around and see whoever he wants, with no repercussions.
He's going to keep seeing his ex and he isn't telling his friends about you, which tells you everything you need to know. Plus the fact that he's said he doesn't love you but you love him tells you that he doesn't care that much.
I know it's really really hard considering that you love him, but this is going to hurt you massively in the long run. It's better to move on and find somebody who wants a serious relationship in the same way you do, and who is willing to put in the same commitment as you. Because you're not his girlfriend and he doesn't ever want you to be, so it's best to leave it.
He's going to keep seeing his ex and he isn't telling his friends about you, which tells you everything you need to know. Plus the fact that he's said he doesn't love you but you love him tells you that he doesn't care that much.
I know it's really really hard considering that you love him, but this is going to hurt you massively in the long run. It's better to move on and find somebody who wants a serious relationship in the same way you do, and who is willing to put in the same commitment as you. Because you're not his girlfriend and he doesn't ever want you to be, so it's best to leave it.
You might get more response with a tl;dr. As much as you want to be with him, I don't think it's a very healthy situation where one of you is clearly more invested in this relationship, you're still holding on to the idea that down the line he will change his mind and you need to accept that this may never happen. It was quite concerning that you said he doesn't even love his family anymore, has he spoken to a professional about this? Especially if he doesn't have any issues with his family, it sounds as if he may be depressed?
As for his ex, have you spoken to him about their relationship? Not in an accusing way but just to let him tell you exactly what's happened so you can put your suspicions to rest. While I understand that you think he is the only one for you, it doesn't sound like he is the beta choice for your future, it sounds like he's leading you on and you're hanging off is every word like a puppy, that's not how a relationship or even a friendship works.
It would be best imo to have an open conversation about both of your feelings and then distance yourself from him or at least just agree to be friends, I think he needs to work out his own issues before involving other people tbh.
As for his ex, have you spoken to him about their relationship? Not in an accusing way but just to let him tell you exactly what's happened so you can put your suspicions to rest. While I understand that you think he is the only one for you, it doesn't sound like he is the beta choice for your future, it sounds like he's leading you on and you're hanging off is every word like a puppy, that's not how a relationship or even a friendship works.
It would be best imo to have an open conversation about both of your feelings and then distance yourself from him or at least just agree to be friends, I think he needs to work out his own issues before involving other people tbh.
Original post by georgiaswift
You want a serious relationship and he doesn't. The fact that he doesn't want a relationship emphasises that he wants to be able to sleep around and see whoever he wants, with no repercussions.
He's going to keep seeing his ex and he isn't telling his friends about you, which tells you everything you need to know. Plus the fact that he's said he doesn't love you but you love him tells you that he doesn't care that much.
I know it's really really hard considering that you love him, but this is going to hurt you massively in the long run. It's better to move on and find somebody who wants a serious relationship in the same way you do, and who is willing to put in the same commitment as you. Because you're not his girlfriend and he doesn't ever want you to be, so it's best to leave it.
He's going to keep seeing his ex and he isn't telling his friends about you, which tells you everything you need to know. Plus the fact that he's said he doesn't love you but you love him tells you that he doesn't care that much.
I know it's really really hard considering that you love him, but this is going to hurt you massively in the long run. It's better to move on and find somebody who wants a serious relationship in the same way you do, and who is willing to put in the same commitment as you. Because you're not his girlfriend and he doesn't ever want you to be, so it's best to leave it.
Not exactly, it is possible to not want a relationship and still only have exclusive sex, it sounds counter-productive but it really isn't the same thing.
Original post by whorace
Not exactly, it is possible to not want a relationship and still only have exclusive sex, it sounds counter-productive but it really isn't the same thing.
It is possible to have exclusive sex but if he's not in a relationship he doesn't have to. So while he may not be sleeping with others he's at liberty to if he wants to.
Original post by whorace
Holy crap the guy sounds exactly like me, even down to the not loving the family and absolutely refusing to say 'i love you' but being honest about it. Glad I wasn't dick enough to put another girl through this though. If he is like me he does like you, probably has quite strong feelings for you, but he'll never let himself feel like he did with her, that's why he says he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean he doesn't want a relationship or even that he would have one with her if she asked.
Would you mind if I private messaged you about some of this?
Original post by Anonymous
Would you mind if I private messaged you about some of this?
Nah I don't mind
Original post by georgiaswift
It is possible to have exclusive sex but if he's not in a relationship he doesn't have to. So while he may not be sleeping with others he's at liberty to if he wants to.
Hi Georgia, I've been thinking this exact same thing for a while too - why wouldn't he at the end of the day?!
Anyway, I'm at his place now and have pretty much definitely discovered that he is doing exactly this every weekend when he goes out with his friends - I don't want to repeat the exact conversation I've seen publicly on here, but I'm heartbroken, can't stop shaking and feel like a cheap, worthless piece of ****. And possibly worst of all, completely stupid.
I don't know what to do now - I know I cannot allow myself to carry on in this situation out of self-respect. Equally I don't want to lower myself to kicking off about it and walking out of his apartment, where I would have to rush to get the last train back to my city and explain everything to my parents, I can't take the humiliation of that. I sort of want to calmly have the conversation later tonight, but I don't know how I'll bring it up or where I'll go from there. All I know is, I feel thoroughly awful.
Would you mind talking things through on PM at all? Thank you for your advice so far
Original post by georgiaswift
It is possible to have exclusive sex but if he's not in a relationship he doesn't have to. So while he may not be sleeping with others he's at liberty to if he wants to.
He's at the liberty to do so if he's in a relationship. That's his choice. It might end his relationship. But in this position sleeping with others would also end his relationship with the OP. Even if it isn't a bf-gf thing.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi Georgia, I've been thinking this exact same thing for a while too - why wouldn't he at the end of the day?!
Anyway, I'm at his place now and have pretty much definitely discovered that he is doing exactly this every weekend when he goes out with his friends - I don't want to repeat the exact conversation I've seen publicly on here, but I'm heartbroken, can't stop shaking and feel like a cheap, worthless piece of ****. And possibly worst of all, completely stupid.
I don't know what to do now - I know I cannot allow myself to carry on in this situation out of self-respect. Equally I don't want to lower myself to kicking off about it and walking out of his apartment, where I would have to rush to get the last train back to my city and explain everything to my parents, I can't take the humiliation of that. I sort of want to calmly have the conversation later tonight, but I don't know how I'll bring it up or where I'll go from there. All I know is, I feel thoroughly awful.
Would you mind talking things through on PM at all? Thank you for your advice so far
Anyway, I'm at his place now and have pretty much definitely discovered that he is doing exactly this every weekend when he goes out with his friends - I don't want to repeat the exact conversation I've seen publicly on here, but I'm heartbroken, can't stop shaking and feel like a cheap, worthless piece of ****. And possibly worst of all, completely stupid.
I don't know what to do now - I know I cannot allow myself to carry on in this situation out of self-respect. Equally I don't want to lower myself to kicking off about it and walking out of his apartment, where I would have to rush to get the last train back to my city and explain everything to my parents, I can't take the humiliation of that. I sort of want to calmly have the conversation later tonight, but I don't know how I'll bring it up or where I'll go from there. All I know is, I feel thoroughly awful.
Would you mind talking things through on PM at all? Thank you for your advice so far
You sound like you're having a nightmare of a time at the moment
of course you can pm me, I'll do anything I can to help!Quick Reply
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