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Asian with white boyfriend

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I think she should have never told, and just said you were a friend to her parents. Because now they know and if you're hanging out a lot, she can't use the excuse of 'he's my friend'
Reply 21
Original post by whorace
Absolutely do not talk with the mother unless you want to lose his respect. My suggestion is to talk to the father directly, let him know your concerns, and if he requests it break it off with her until he is ready.

Do not try to undermine his authority, he has a duty to protect his family and you are not setting a good example.

If you do not want to be part of her family then go for it, otherwise you cannot work around the father.


Hmmm but it feels like theres nothing else to do.. Because we honestly like each other so much. It sounds really like unserious, but we do like eachother very much so tbh in our eyes breaking up isnt reaaaally an option, unless we HAVE to... Oh wait are you saying for me to talk to the father? Tbh i don't think that would go well... Could we just continue our relationship behind their back until they come to a stage where they accept it? Because atm, they're under the impression that we've broken up, and we're just remaining 'friends'


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Reply 22
Original post by Eternalflames
If they're not that strict, I think it's more of the case that they feel she's too young, and want her focused on her A-levels.


Yeah I kinda agree really.. Age does play a big part in my opinion... Hm


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Reply 23
Original post by Eternalflames
I think she should have never told, and just said you were a friend to her parents. Because now they know and if you're hanging out a lot, she can't use the excuse of 'he's my friend'


Yeah we really regret agreeing for her to tell them, it would have been much easier to not mention it at all... We just thought we would risk it, and hope that they accept it, but only the mum did, and now she doesn't


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Reply 24
Original post by benj1999
Hmmm but it feels like theres nothing else to do.. Because we honestly like each other so much. It sounds really like unserious, but we do like eachother very much so tbh in our eyes breaking up isnt reaaaally an option, unless we HAVE to... Oh wait are you saying for me to talk to the father? Tbh i don't think that would go well... Could we just continue our relationship behind their back until they come to a stage where they accept it? Because atm, they're under the impression that we've broken up, and we're just remaining 'friends'


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You think her father will welcome you after you lied to his face? Disrespected his concerns? Traditional structure is very patriarchal and the father will definitely put his duty to protect his daughter over your feelings for her, he does not even know you remember, and the first thing you have done to him is disobey and disrespect him. Is he even wrong to be concerned about giving his daughter to a liar?

Talk to the father, but do it properly. He might just give you a stern no if you don't do it properly.
Original post by benj1999
Hey everyone, i'm currently in year 12 at school doing my a levels, i'm white British, and i've been very close friends with an Asian girl who's been in my form ever since year 7. We have been very very close since year 9, and we literally talk 24/7, although we never used to really meet up outside of school. I began to really like her, and in October i decided to ask her out. I know it seems like this is a little teenage crush, but its really not, i really do like her, so i decided to ask. She also felt the same, so we decided to start going out as boyfriend and girlfriend. We hid this for about a month, and then she decided to tell her mum, as it was quite difficult to hide the relationship, as she has a big family and it would be hard to stay in local places. So she told her mum, ad her mum was really happy for her, and then the dad found out, and he was extremely unimpressed, and ordered that we have to break up immediately, and 'forget about us going out'. Because of her dads opinion, this lead to the mum to also disagree with our relationship, and she was ordered to break up with me. Because we really like each other, since November we have decided to carry on, but just hiding it from them. Her parents believe we have 'broken up' but we haven't actually. But we both just find it really hard to meet and to be like any other couple, as every time we go out (when we go out, her parents are quite strict with meeting.. She also never used to meet her friends much, expect for special occasions, but now we meet about once a week, it may be obvious we're still going out). We really want fo stay together, i know we're young, we both know that, but we do actually ljke eachother so much, so we intent to stay together. We just worry what will happen again if her parents find out. Will it get to the stage where she's kicked out her house, disowned etc.. Its a really tricky situation. Hmm. Can anyone please help us with ways how we could meet without them knowing, how to overall 'hide' our relationship, and also, does anybody know the chances of her parents eventually accepting me and my culture. I do actually understand where her parents are coming from to a small extent, but i think her happiness is much more important. Also, does anyone have similar stories/situations they would like to share, and how it panned out in the end.

Thank you!:smile:


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Your girlfriend is so lucky :smile: i'm mixed Asian and white and fingers crossed for a white bf :wink:
You can't really blame the father though..maybe he's stuck in the past or something but if he's really that against it then you probably wouldn't want him as a father-in-law...
Original post by benj1999
Yeah I kinda agree really.. Age does play a big part in my opinion... Hm


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Yeah, but if you can both manage it okay disguising it as a friendship and focusing on your A-Levels, then you both have my Asian blessing LOL!!
Sorry, but yeah just have her parents think it's just friends between you two again
Reply 27
Original post by whorace
You think her father will welcome you after you lied to his face? Disrespected his concerns? Traditional structure is very patriarchal and the father will definitely put his duty to protect his daughter over your feelings for her, he does not even know you remember, and the first thing you have done to him is disobey and disrespect him. Is he even wrong to be concerned about giving his daughter to a liar?

Talk to the father, but do it properly. He might just give you a stern no if you don't do it properly.


I actually entirely agree with you.. But from both our opinions, if we like eachother, we shouldn't let race get in the way at all. Even if the dad doesn't agree with it. We just hope that over time he will agree with it, as age also may be a big factor. I fully do understand where he's coming from, because it wants to keep his family within the asian culture etc.. But it is 2016 and that shouldn't matter now, it does, but it shouldn't. I don't actually know if speaking to him will help, as i'm not sure he would even allow our relationship at this age anyway tbh! It just seems unfair to break it all off, because of parents


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Reply 28
Original post by TuppenceB
Your girlfriend is so lucky :smile: i'm mixed Asian and white and fingers crossed for a white bf :wink:
You can't really blame the father though..maybe he's stuck in the past or something but if he's really that against it then you probably wouldn't want him as a father-in-law...


Haha goodluck:wink: Yeah no i honestly do understand where he's coming from, even though its unfair on us, i do see why he's doing what he's doing, i just feel like if we like each other, we should go out, because at the end of the day it should really be between me and her only. People obviously have inputs, but i don't think its fair for our relationship to be controlled by others


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Reply 29
Original post by Eternalflames
Yeah, but if you can both manage it okay disguising it as a friendship and focusing on your A-Levels, then you both have my Asian blessing LOL!!
Sorry, but yeah just have her parents think it's just friends between you two again


LOL i think thats kinda the best thing.. Even though it is going against her parents, she cant hell the fact she likes a white person! So yeah hm j think the friend cover up is the only way to do it. Do you think we should break up at all because of her parents? Like even if they find out and say we need to end it... Do you think we should? Couldn't we still just be 'friends' in their eyes, until she's a bit older and then try and speak to them when we're more mature and everything?


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It sounds difficult. Being Asian I know what Asians are like; if you like her then maybe you should keep seeing her; but as you've already stated it has put you in a difficult situation. Have you tried going places that are not local? You would both feel comfortable with that perhaps?. My auntie married an English man, but my grandparents never accepted him, so my auntie ran away and married him :biggrin:.
Original post by benj1999
LOL i think thats kinda the best thing.. Even though it is going against her parents, she cant hell the fact she likes a white person! So yeah hm j think the friend cover up is the only way to do it. Do you think we should break up at all because of her parents? Like even if they find out and say we need to end it... Do you think we should? Couldn't we still just be 'friends' in their eyes, until she's a bit older and then try and speak to them when we're more mature and everything?


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If you feel you will last long then don't break up. You can remain as just friends in their eyes, but they'll have their suspicions the whole time. Your girlfriend needs to be strong enough not to crack under pressure and tell that you're still together, if she blurts out the truth then it's game over = her arranged marriage
Reply 32
Did he tell you it was a race thing? You say you accept my point but it's quite clear you don't really, you simply don't respect the differences in family structure. Sorry but I wouldn't trust my daughter with you.
Reply 33
Original post by murakamami
It sounds difficult. Being Asian I know what Asians are like; if you like her then maybe you should keep seeing her; but as you've already stated it has put you in a difficult situation. Have you tried going places that are not local? You would both feel comfortable with that perhaps?. My auntie married an English man, but my grandparents never accepted him, so my auntie ran away and married him :biggrin:.


Yeah its so difficult:frown: yeah i think seeing her is the best thing. If it was a personal issue that was causing us to break up, then i would respect that. But the thought of breaking up because of a difference in racial opinions seems too unfair. We have gone to less local places! But its even like the traveling back home part, because i obviously walk her to her road when we arrive back in our local area, we just worry incase her parents drive down the road at that particular time tbh. And its the whole meeting on a weekly basis which seems suspicious, because she never used to do that with her friends... Since i've come on the scene shes been staying behind at the 'sixth form study' every Friday after school.. Is that even suspicious though? Tbh idk what her parents would find weird, leading them to clock onto our relationship. i'm glad your aunt managed to stay with her husband! I'm glad they're happy:smile:


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Reply 34
Original post by whorace
Did he tell you it was a race thing? You say you accept my point but it's quite clear you don't really, you simply don't respect the differences in family structure. Sorry but I wouldn't trust my daughter with you.


Well no. I do accept it. But? Its 2016. Many asians are living in the UK, which is fine obviously! But how can they be in a British community but expect her to find an Asian person, and they won't tolerate a white boyfriend? I respect the family structure, but the parents need to see that if it will make their daughter happy, they just need to accept the fact she likes a white British guy. Its fine if you think that you wouldn't 'trust' your daughter with me, but what are we actually meant to do if we like each other but her parents won't accept it. You're gonna say we should accept the fact they don't like it, and break up, but tbqh we both like each other, and we both aren't prepared to have our life's controlled, just because of a difference in cultures. Tbh i don't think you understand that we're both good for each other and if we both like each other, nothing should get in the way.. I find it slightly foolish that you would let go of someone you really like, just to make your parents happier. But thats just me. We all have different opinions.


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Reply 35
Is she a Muslim? That kind of changes a lot then lol
The problem isn't between you guys but between as you said racial opinions; which I don't think you should let affect you both. I don't think you should walk her back to her road, Asians have this bad habit where if people see her with you they'll start talking etc, and her parents will not be impressed. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I don't think staying behind after Friday's looks suspicious, she can just say she's falling behind etc and she's getting stressed. Her mum seems like she would have been happy for you guys if it wasn't for the way her father reacted. Aw thank you yes she's very happy now :biggrin:, my grandparents accepted my uncle because he later converted to Islam lol.
Reply 37
Original post by Eternalflames
If you feel you will last long then don't break up. You can remain as just friends in their eyes, but they'll have their suspicions the whole time. Your girlfriend needs to be strong enough not to crack under pressure and tell that you're still together, if she blurts out the truth then it's game over = her arranged marriage


It actually sounds immature or something, but we both truly believe we will last... I seriously would never ever date someone who I think i wouldn't last with, especially at this stage where i'm stressed with a levels etc, and i know she feels the same. Yeah i just hope we can carry on as 'friends' in their eyes! Because yeah.. That last bit really cant happen 😭 I hope pretending we're 'friends' isnt a bad thing... I know its not ideal but i honestly don't know what else to do. I hope people don't view me as a bad person.


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Reply 38
Original post by Z1228
Is she a Muslim? That kind of changes a lot then lol


Oh no!:smile: She's Mauritian Hindu, i'm a Christian


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Reply 39
Original post by benj1999
Well no. I do accept it. But? Its 2016. Many asians are living in the UK, which is fine obviously! But how can they be in a British community but expect her to find an Asian person, and they won't tolerate a white boyfriend? I respect the family structure, but the parents need to see that if it will make their daughter happy, they just need to accept the fact she likes a white British guy. Its fine if you think that you wouldn't 'trust' your daughter with me, but what are we actually meant to do if we like each other but her parents won't accept it. You're gonna say we should accept the fact they don't like it, and break up, but tbqh we both like each other, and we both aren't prepared to have our life's controlled, just because of a difference in cultures. Tbh i don't think you understand that we're both good for each other and if we both like each other, nothing should get in the way.. I find it slightly foolish that you would let go of someone you really like, just to make your parents happier. But thats just me. We all have different opinions.


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I suggested a compromise, talk to the father and ask him what bothers him, if he wants to her focus on her studies then break up with her temporarily, if not and he is just a racist then by all means go ahead, but I sincerely doubt he will ever magically come to his senses and agree with you, especially since to do so you would have to lie behind his back. And I had to laugh at a 16 year old lecturing me on relationships, it is this sort of attitude that makes her father want an Asian instead of a white British liberal who has absolutely no respect for elders or experience.

By all means, don't break up with her and get her to run off with you, i'm sure you're more than mature enough to provide for her better than her family, and you will permanently happy and this won't just be a quick relationship.

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