Leaving a Broken Home; Having No Family at Uni

Hi there.

I'm a 20 year old ethnic minority female . I come from a broken home where lots of horrible things happened. My mum was verbally and emotionally abusive, my dad was neglectful, my parents bickered and fought for years before separating, and I moved school 6 times. My father and all my extended family, with whom I'd never had much contact, live abroad. My teenage years were an utter nightmare - there was hardly ever any peace in the house.

I moved out a year back for university and have never looked back. I'm no longer in contact with my mum; she hasn't called once since I left and I've had no wish to speak to her. I go back home for the holidays though.

Though I'm glad I'm out of that horrible situation, I'm now acutely aware of how alone I am in the world as I don't have a family to support me, to provide me with connections etc. I feel lonely and feel that I lack a place in society. I've got a few friends but that's it; nobody who'd always be there for me as my friends' parents are constantly there for them.

No daily phone calls. No visits. No emotional support. No community to fall back on if times get tough, or if I mess up, or get sick, and fail to support myself.
I'd say I've been left with 'a hole in my soul', a large empty void where my family (and, for that matter, long-term friendships I've missed out on having) should be.

I am speaking to a counsellor but something I really wanted to find was some kind of support group or community for people in my situation. Young people, perhaps at university, who've been estranged from their families and who are now alone.

Can anyone relate?

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 1

whorace

I don't know of any that come to mind, perhaps you could make one? I think you would benefit from community projects if you don't do any already, you definitely appear to yearn for a sense of security and getting your name out there in the community might help provide you that safety net you want.

Reply 2

CosmicAngel

Original post by whorace

Thanks for the response

Projects for which community? I don't really have a community. There's the city where my mum lives, where I've lived for the 4 years before uni, but I don't really want to go back there after I graduate. There's where I live now (my university Town) but once again I can't see myself staying here after graduation. And bear in mind I've moved around loads of times.

Reply 3

Origami Bullets

You are what's known as an "estranged student" - that's the technical term.

Are you aware of the charity Stand Alone? They do lots of work with estranged adults, including students http://standalone.org.uk/students/ and might be able to put you in touch with a support group.

You may find that your university has some support for estranged students e.g. http://www.dmu.ac.uk/dmu-students/the-student-gateway/adjusting-to-student-life/estranged-young-people.aspx

Reply 4

CosmicAngel

Original post by Origami Bullets

I wasn't aware of this - thanks for enlightening me. I've been spending the last few hours looking into this charity and it looks great. I wish I had heard of it before. Thank you verrrrrrry much!

Anyone else in my position?

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

You get two chances at having a family in life, one is the family you are born with and one is the one you get to make yourself. Seeing as you've done really badly with your first family the best thing you can do is make sure you maximise the chances of making a great family for yourself.

Look after your health, work hard, be a nice person, make sensible decisions, try and be happy and try and let go of your crappy childhood.

I know None of this is necessarily easy but it should get easier as you get older.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Reply 6

Origami Bullets

Original post by CosmicAngel

No problem, glad I was able to help :smile:

Reply 7

CosmicAngel

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks, the idea that everybody has a second chance is a positive one. However, what's with this? 'You've done really badly with your first family'... Most of it was hardly my doing. Perhaps you didn't mean it that way but that wasn't worded well.

I suppose becoming a better person is the most important thing. But it's hard when I look around and see how everyone else has their family's support. Being on social media, especially, is hard and has brought to light just how much my life lacks in comparison to others. I end up feeling like such an outsider it stops me from being myself; I end up doing things just to look more normal to the outside world. I worry about people's judgement if they found out. :s

Reply 8

CosmicAngel

Anyone in my position? :smile:

Here's some information about what it's like not to have a family to support you. I could really relate to this.
https://www.welfare.qmul.ac.uk/emotional-wellbeing/common-problems/estrangement

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

Subbing. This could easily be me in a few years' time. :ninja:

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by CosmicAngel

You've taken my line about doing badly with your 'first' family completely the wrong way. I just meant that you were unlucky with them. I didn't think it was any of your doing.

Have you thought about speaking to someone at your University. They will have had lots of experience of speaking with students who feel like you do.

Social media can have a very negative effect if you are feeling down.