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My friend is really spiteful and jealous.

Anonymous #1

tl:dr My friend moans about her career and life but won't do anything to make it better, while being nasty and spiteful to the rest of us when we succeed. Help!

I've been friends with my friend Rebecca for about 6 years now, we met in our very early 20's at the end of uni. We're part of a group of about 5 of us, we're all about the same age. Since graduation, most of the group have moved on to get jobs in their chosen career - I've been working in marketing-related jobs for the last 6 years, my other friends are in teaching or retraining to do what they want to do.

Rebecca, on the other hand failed her degree, and has been either unemployed or working in retail jobs ever since. She hates her job so much and complains about it constantly, so over the years I've been trying to help her - I have rewritten her CV for her a few times, send her jobs to apply for and I've even tried to get her a job at a couple of my workplaces. Every single time, she comes up with some rubbish excuse for why she can't apply for the job and just constantly says 'I'll apply for jobs soon' but never does it. She has been saying she will apply for jobs for 5 years. This in itself is a bit annoying because I'm tired of giving her pep talks when she never takes any action.

Anyway, I recently bought a flat which I was SUPER happy about. It's a huge achievement for me and something I really struggled to get so I was really excited. I told Rebecca on Friday and she was really nasty about it - her immediate reaction was 'Your flat is in a crap location, why didn't you buy in central?' (I bought in North London, and I couldn't afford central - obviously). She then said 'I'm going to marry rich and I'll get a flat way better than yours'. I was so shocked at how nasty she was being. She never even said congratulations or feigned happiness for a second - just straight mean comments.

She has been like this for so long now - every time something good happens for me she somehow makes it all about her and her 'poor me' attitude is annoying when I just want her to be a friend and celebrate my successes with me. Yet she always, always brings it back to how bad her life is yet she hasn't even applied for a job to try and make it better. She's my friend and I care about her, but I'm really losing my patience with her now.

if anyone has any smart suggestions on how to deal with this, it would be great! I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, she is a good friend, but her behaviour is really hurtful. I have tried talking to her before so many times but she never, ever listens.

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Reply 1

Blondie987

I know you're trying to be a good friend and she has been part of your life for a while but that just goes to show that she might not be changing her behaviour anytime soon and you need to get on with your own great life without all this negativity. You've given her way more than you've received form her and that's not friendship, that's pure dependence. You don't need to necessarily cut her out but you need to make her aware of her behaviour and how you need more from her, she's supposed to be a mature adult whom you can have fun with rather than someone you have to constantly take care of who is constantly bringing you down imo

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 2

Katarvi

I agree with Blondie, your friendship sounds very one-sided. What do you actually get out of this friendship exactly? If I were you I would tell her that her comments about your flat came across as slightly spiteful and jealous. See how she reacts. She needs to be called on her **** because all you're doing by ignoring her is teaching her that she can treat you like crap and talk down to you about your achievements. Stand up for yourself, if you're worried about it then do it when one or more of your other friends are around too to mediate.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 3

moment of truth

She doesn't sound like such a good friend, really. You don't need such negative people in your life. Fair enough, you don't want to cut her out completely, but you can cut the amount you talk to her for some time so she can understand that the way she behaves isn't helpful, at all.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Katarvi

I agree with Blondoe, your friendship sounds very one-sided. What do you actually get out of this friendship exactly? If I were you I would tell her that her comments about your flat came across as slightly spiteful and jealous. See how she reacts. She needs to be called on her **** because all you're doing by ignoring her is teaching her that she can treat you like crap and talk down to you about your achievements. Stand up for yourself, if you're worried about it then do it when one or more of your other friends are around too to mediate.

I totally agree with this. Once a few years ago I sat her down and had a serious talk with her about her being a total b*** to me and one of our other friends. I was super, super tactful because she was in the same situation as now - hating her life and her job etc etc. She ended up bursting into tears and I felt terrible so I never broached the subject again. I tend to just try and ignore her but it does hurt my feelings.

Sadly it's not just my flat she's been bitchy about, it's my boyfriend, my holidays, my jobs, everything. She even called my boyfriend ugly and laughed/made fun of my holiday destination!

Reply 5

karl pilkington

Hi can I ask how much you paid for your flat and where roughly it is. Erm as for advice you kind of sound like a mug tbf, I would never waste time actually printing jobs etc for a friend maybe a sibling but not for a friend. She sounds like a leech and an emotional drain you need to stop wasting time and effort on her.

Reply 6

Silver Arrow

I have been dropped and excommunicated for far less OP so Lord knows why you're putting up with this crap. Maybe women form stronger bonds than men i dunno.

You must be an incredibly kind and patient person or a complete mug. Either way your friend will continue down her self pitying path until she decides to grab her life by the balls and take control of it. Continue the friendship and she'll drag you down with her.

Reply 7

SoDoneWithSchool

Why are you even friends with her?
Like you sound like such a lovely person to deal with her tantrums all this time and hun you don't need this much negativity around you.
Cut it off and/or straight out confront her (although don't be phased by any tear-shed)
Plus your going to feel awful about your life being friends with someone like her. Just don't do that to yourself.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by SoDoneWithSchool

I'm still friends with her because she is fun to be around, she's funny, we like to do the same sorts of things etc. Everything would be great if she just got her life together but she is the laziest person I know! Even if she was lazy and that was it, it would be fine. It's the whole shaming me for getting on with my life that is upsetting.

It's one of those friendships that was great when we were both younger and both unemployed etc but when I get 'ahead' of her (which is ridiculous because I don't compete with my friends) she just flips out.

Reply 9

tinkerbelle2

People stop using the word 'mug', it sounds really rude and insensitive! I think obviously you're a very kind, patient person, not a mug.

She definitely is resentful towards you because you are doing well and she failed her degree. She has problems with insecurity and jealousy.

She's lucky to have such a good friend. I think even if she's going to get upset, you need to discuss this issue with her, because it's obviously upsetting YOU. You should be boosting each other up not knocking each other down.

I think the best thing to do, is carry on being nice to her! She needs to be shown kindness in order to learn it herself. Kill 'em with kindness!

It's funny because I'm having similar problems with a friend who I've known about 7 years and is also called Rebecca! Maybe Rebecca's are bad news!

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by tinkerbelle2

Thanks

yeah, mug does sound a bit ridiculously insensitive! To the person who said they'd never try and help out a friend with jobs, you're obviously not very sympathetic as a person. I'm not a mug for helping someone who clearly has issues.

Thanks tinkerbelle, I am definitely going to have to talk to her. The way she spoke to me is really unacceptable and she needs to stop taking her unhappiness out on me.

Reply 11

BerniHurton

are you talking about me? (im joking btw)

Reply 12

karl pilkington

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks

hey can I ask how much you paid for the flat though?

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

That is a really weird question! Why do you ask?

Reply 14

karl pilkington

Original post by Anonymous

That is a really weird question! Why do you ask?

because I am thinking of buying a flat on the outskirts

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Well, Zoopla and RightMove have some great Sold Prices tools :smile:

just put some north London postcodes in and take a look :smile:

Reply 16

karl pilkington

Original post by Anonymous

Well, Zoopla and RightMove have some great Sold Prices tools :smile:

just put some north London postcodes in and take a look :smile:

or you could have just answered but w/e

Reply 17

scrawlx101

my advice give advice but dont let her use you and make it clear you dont want her being rude to you

Reply 18

doodle_333

1. tell her honestly how you feel, she might feel resentful and not realise how nasty she is being, it's just coming out in what she says

2. ignore her nasty comments and put them down as jealousy

3. cut her out