The Student Room Group

Worried about my mum...

Back at the beginning of December I was diagnosed with depression and I started seeing a therapist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in late January. Since then my life started to improve: I got a promotion at work into a new store in a new town (the change of scenery has helped) and have been in a very happy relationship for just over a month.

However, since this has started my mum has gotten worse. For the last two years it has just been my mum and I living together and we did a lot together. So obviously since getting a promotion and having a new relationship I am spending less time at home with mum and that is having a negative effect on her. Now all we seem to do when I am home is argue.

I have tried to talk to her and suggested she goes to therapy of her own: she seems to have depression herself, she is constantly in a bad mood, always snappy, always miserable and under the impression that nobody cares for her which obviously is not true.

Anyway, all the arguing is doing is making things worse - she is angry at me for going out and even when I stay in. I've tried making the effort with her, suggesting we do things together but she is so stubborn and so un-responsive it is unbelievable. I've never met anyone like her.

She has been suffering with cancer for several years and is on a whole host of tablets yet she continues to smoke and after an argument the other night she drank a whole bottle of wine (she doesn't drink).

I want to try and help her but I also want to sort myself out. I feel like - for my own sanity - I need to get out of that environment and move into my own place. Or just move out for a week or so. But I am really scared of how mum will respond to that. I'm worried that she is going to do something stupid and I don't know what to do or who I can talk to about her.

I have said all of this to her in person but she doesn't respond. She just continues to be stubborn and refuses to change her mood or get help.

Any advice?
Reply 1
Avatar for birdie95
birdie95
2
This is a really difficult situation. Your mother must be really suffering - both with her illness and the fact that she will be losing her son (and best friend) soon. It sounds like a toxic environment for both of you at the moment and I think the best thing to do is move out from your family home. However, you should really try and make sure that there is a support network around your mum - are there any local support groups you could go to together? Or neighbours, family friends? You should also try and build a relationship between your mum and your significant other - it sounds as if she is resenting the time you spend with them.
It's Mothers day on Sunday and that would be a great opportunity to talk properly with your mum in an environment outside of the house. Maybe take her for a spa day or dinner, treat her to some quality time with you.
If you want to chat at any time about it, don't hesitate to send me a message!
:h:
Original post by birdie95
This is a really difficult situation. Your mother must be really suffering - both with her illness and the fact that she will be losing her son (and best friend) soon. It sounds like a toxic environment for both of you at the moment and I think the best thing to do is move out from your family home. However, you should really try and make sure that there is a support network around your mum - are there any local support groups you could go to together? Or neighbours, family friends? You should also try and build a relationship between your mum and your significant other - it sounds as if she is resenting the time you spend with them.
It's Mothers day on Sunday and that would be a great opportunity to talk properly with your mum in an environment outside of the house. Maybe take her for a spa day or dinner, treat her to some quality time with you.
If you want to chat at any time about it, don't hesitate to send me a message!
:h:


Thank you, have sent you a message :smile:
It does sound like she might be suffering from depression herself. Things are going very well for you but not so much for her - so she may resent that slightly (however unfair that may be).

Sit down and have a conversation about how this makes you feel, and what you can do to make her feel happier. Don't let it evolve into an argument; be calm and collected and if she tries to raise her voice or turn it into an argument, tell her you're not going to argue. If she continues, leave the room and tell you you'll come back when she's calmed down.

Perhaps she needs a wider support network - counselling would be a good option for her, as well as seeing friends with whom she can talk.

Feel free to PM me if you want more advice. You're doing really great and you should be really proud of yourself! Congratulations on the promotion!
you cant force anyone to seek help, it has to come from them. What did you do with your mother before and is she still well enough to do it? If so keep trying to get her to do stuff, just less often. Try to turn whatever you did together into something she can do with other people
Reply 5
Avatar for Nuba123
Nuba123
16
Original post by ImpossibleMan
Back at the beginning of December I was diagnosed with depression and I started seeing a therapist for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in late January. Since then my life started to improve: I got a promotion at work into a new store in a new town (the change of scenery has helped) and have been in a very happy relationship for just over a month.

However, since this has started my mum has gotten worse. For the last two years it has just been my mum and I living together and we did a lot together. So obviously since getting a promotion and having a new relationship I am spending less time at home with mum and that is having a negative effect on her. Now all we seem to do when I am home is argue.

I have tried to talk to her and suggested she goes to therapy of her own: she seems to have depression herself, she is constantly in a bad mood, always snappy, always miserable and under the impression that nobody cares for her which obviously is not true.

Anyway, all the arguing is doing is making things worse - she is angry at me for going out and even when I stay in. I've tried making the effort with her, suggesting we do things together but she is so stubborn and so un-responsive it is unbelievable. I've never met anyone like her.

She has been suffering with cancer for several years and is on a whole host of tablets yet she continues to smoke and after an argument the other night she drank a whole bottle of wine (she doesn't drink).

I want to try and help her but I also want to sort myself out. I feel like - for my own sanity - I need to get out of that environment and move into my own place. Or just move out for a week or so. But I am really scared of how mum will respond to that. I'm worried that she is going to do something stupid and I don't know what to do or who I can talk to about her.

I have said all of this to her in person but she doesn't respond. She just continues to be stubborn and refuses to change her mood or get help.

Any advice?


Okay this is a very sticky situation but my first piece of advice would be COMPROMISE. The reality is you are growing up and you cannot live with your mother forever so what I would suggest is getting your own place - like you want to - but don't move far from your mother try to find somewhere close by so that if you need help you can pop over and vice versa. The reality is your mum is pretty vulnerable right now - she has cancer, her daughter is growing up and becoming increasingly independent. Try seeing things from her point of view. One day just sit her down and arrange a movie to watch - just mother and daughter and have a serious discussion with her as both of you will continue to feel bitter inside if no meaningful discussion is taking place. Tell her that you love her and no matter what she can speak to you about anything - maybe your mother feels like she doesn't have much purpose in life without you - perhaps, to her, you are her purpose. Try to get her involved in events and clubs to meet new people and make friends and even when you have your own place take her out once or twice a month or more frequently if you like. This will show her that you still love her and make her feel like she still is a part of your life. You don't have to sacrifice your independence but you have to show your mother, one way or another, that she is still important to you - everyone has the tendency to feel worthless from time to time. Hope this advice was realistic and helped. xx

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you