Living with boyfriend - he doesn't contribute equally

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has been my best friend for longer.

We both left university last Summer and after a short while of doing our own thing we decided to take the next step and move in together. We have been living together since November.

I'm looking for some advice. Since leaving University we have both managed to secure a job. His job pays minimum wage, mine is higher. In total, each month I earn at least double what he does.

Unfortunately this has caused us a lot of problems. We rent a 2 bed house, and before we moved in we agreed to split everything 50/50 to make it fair. This includes bills, food, etc.

Here are a few of the issues:-
* Our house was offered unfurnished, so we had to buy everything from scratch. I have bought every single item of furniture, except a 40" TV which is his. As you can imagine this cost me massively. Initially we agreed to split 50/50 on furniture, but now it's turned into an IOU on his part.
* I lent him £100 at the beginning of the tenancy, to contribute towards first months' rent. I had to dip into my overdraft to pay for this, and he agreed to pay me back - in full, including fee - on his next payday. This didn't happen.
* He pays for bills and rent, but not much else. I am having to pay for his food, travel costs, etc.

To cut a long story short, he is paying equally for bills and rent, but not much else. I own all the furniture, which has cost me over £2000 in total, even though I got them from discount furniture shops/charity shops. I am buying his food for him, and am "lending" him money. He owes me at least £450, which he has agreed to pay me back £20 a month, because that's all he can afford. He owes a lot of people a lot of money, so I feel obliged to accept whatever he is willing to give me.

There have been times recently when I have realised enough is enough, and have refused to pay for his food/travel. But then he can't get to work, he can't eat, I am buying food and cooking it here and then it's really awkward because he sits there while I'm tucking in. I've only actually done that a couple of times because the other times I have felt too guilty and have given in.

I keep thinking, what is the other option? If he can't afford it, then he will have to move out - and I desperately don't want him to. I would rather keep paying for him (although I hate doing it) than for him to move out.

I think my main worry is that 25% of my pay each month goes on my share of the bills, but because of everything else I am having to pay, I am left with barely anything afterwards. I have been employed since September and have not been able to save any money up, and have maxed both of my overdrafts.

I've tried speaking to him about it but he shuts down, shouts and gets really arsey, saying he's trying his best. I know he is deep down, but at the same time I don't think it's fair.

I don't really know why I'm posting this.. I guess I just want other people's
thoughts on the situation.

Reply 1

Lime-man

16

Tell him to pull his trousers up and contribute, threaten to kick him out if he continues as is, and also look for potential roommates to show that you're serious about it.

Reply 2

Blondie987

17

Did you not know he would be earning less than you when you decide to move in together? I can understand if he's spending money on frivolous things when he should be paying you back but if not, he can't produce funds out of thin air. What are you expecting him to do?

Reply 3

RomanKing

13

If he can't afford it due to his pay then he can't afford it. He can't change his salary. Live elsewhere...

What are you really expecting him to do? :/
You have to live somewhere where you both can afford.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 4

Nutella:3

OP

10

Original post by Blondie987

Did you not know he would be earning less than you when you decide to move in together? I can understand if he's spending money on frivolous things when he should be paying you back but if not, he can't produce funds out of thin air. What are you expecting him to do?

We sat down and he gave me an estimate, but I realised the estimate was ambitious at best. He made out that we would be earning the same amount, which turned out not to be the case.
He has almost bought frivolous things.. like one of his friends is trying to sell a macbook and the other day he put in an offer for it even though he owes me all this money and he has a working laptop already. But I don't know if that's just because he really likes technology.
I don't really know what I'm expecting him to do, but talking to him about it hasn't really helped because he tends to get upset, or as I said shuts down and gets frustrated.

Reply 5

Reue

20

If he isn't wasting money then he can't afford to contribute more. You either need to be happy with subsidising him or live cheaper (or separately).

Reply 6

Blondie987

17

Original post by Nutella:3

We sat down and he gave me an estimate, but I realised the estimate was ambitious at best. He made out that we would be earning the same amount, which turned out not to be the case.
He has almost bought frivolous things.. like one of his friends is trying to sell a macbook and the other day he put in an offer for it even though he owes me all this money and he has a working laptop already. But I don't know if that's just because he really likes technology.
I don't really know what I'm expecting him to do, but talking to him about it hasn't really helped because he tends to get upset, or as I said shuts down and gets frustrated.

Well, as difficult as it is to talk to him you need to just state facts and tell him that if he cares about you he'll listen

Reply 7

claireestelle

22

Original post by Nutella:3

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has been my best friend for longer.

We both left university last Summer and after a short while of doing our own thing we decided to take the next step and move in together. We have been living together since November.

I'm looking for some advice. Since leaving University we have both managed to secure a job. His job pays minimum wage, mine is higher. In total, each month I earn at least double what he does.

Unfortunately this has caused us a lot of problems. We rent a 2 bed house, and before we moved in we agreed to split everything 50/50 to make it fair. This includes bills, food, etc.

Here are a few of the issues:-
* Our house was offered unfurnished, so we had to buy everything from scratch. I have bought every single item of furniture, except a 40" TV which is his. As you can imagine this cost me massively. Initially we agreed to split 50/50 on furniture, but now it's turned into an IOU on his part.
* I lent him £100 at the beginning of the tenancy, to contribute towards first months' rent. I had to dip into my overdraft to pay for this, and he agreed to pay me back - in full, including fee - on his next payday. This didn't happen.
* He pays for bills and rent, but not much else. I am having to pay for his food, travel costs, etc.

To cut a long story short, he is paying equally for bills and rent, but not much else. I own all the furniture, which has cost me over £2000 in total, even though I got them from discount furniture shops/charity shops. I am buying his food for him, and am "lending" him money. He owes me at least £450, which he has agreed to pay me back £20 a month, because that's all he can afford. He owes a lot of people a lot of money, so I feel obliged to accept whatever he is willing to give me.

There have been times recently when I have realised enough is enough, and have refused to pay for his food/travel. But then he can't get to work, he can't eat, I am buying food and cooking it here and then it's really awkward because he sits there while I'm tucking in. I've only actually done that a couple of times because the other times I have felt too guilty and have given in.

I keep thinking, what is the other option? If he can't afford it, then he will have to move out - and I desperately don't want him to. I would rather keep paying for him (although I hate doing it) than for him to move out.

I think my main worry is that 25% of my pay each month goes on my share of the bills, but because of everything else I am having to pay, I am left with barely anything afterwards. I have been employed since September and have not been able to save any money up, and have maxed both of my overdrafts.

I've tried speaking to him about it but he shuts down, shouts and gets really arsey, saying he's trying his best. I know he is deep down, but at the same time I don't think it's fair.

I don't really know why I'm posting this.. I guess I just want other people's
thoughts on the situation.

You need to make it clear that he has to start communicating with you as its only going to get worse, if he can't afford to cover all of his costs currently can he search for another job?
Or can you both find a way of decreasing your bills and food costs?

Reply 8

Tiger Rag

22

Is it really fair to split everything 50/50 knowing he earns much less than you?

Reply 9

Advanced Subsidiary

18

Original post by Tiger Rag

Is it really fair to split everything 50/50 knowing he earns much less than you?

This. It's no wonder money is the #1 reason for relationship and marriage breakdown.

I've been with my partner for nearly two years, moved in Sep '15. Sorting out how the money is managed was the first thing we did as it can place so much stress on other areas of the relationship.

I always, always use percentages to split how much money we should be contributing each month.

If our total household income is £2,000, and she earns £800. That's 40%. Therefore it's only fair that she contributes 40% towards all bills. If total monthly bills come to £850, then she would pay £340 a month as that's 40%, not a penny more or less. The remaining £510 is on me.

This 50/50 rule people use to split finances is pure rubbish. It only creates resentment and jealously in all parties.

You're earning 100% more than he is each month. I'm sorry but you should be contributing twice as much imo.

If it's that much of a problem, speak to him. But this can easily be resolved.

Reply 10

kka25

18

Original post by Nutella:3

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has been my best friend for longer.

We both left university last Summer and after a short while of doing our own thing we decided to take the next step and move in together. We have been living together since November.

I'm looking for some advice. Since leaving University we have both managed to secure a job. His job pays minimum wage, mine is higher. In total, each month I earn at least double what he does.

Unfortunately this has caused us a lot of problems. We rent a 2 bed house, and before we moved in we agreed to split everything 50/50 to make it fair. This includes bills, food, etc.

Here are a few of the issues:-
* Our house was offered unfurnished, so we had to buy everything from scratch. I have bought every single item of furniture, except a 40" TV which is his. As you can imagine this cost me massively. Initially we agreed to split 50/50 on furniture, but now it's turned into an IOU on his part.
* I lent him £100 at the beginning of the tenancy, to contribute towards first months' rent. I had to dip into my overdraft to pay for this, and he agreed to pay me back - in full, including fee - on his next payday. This didn't happen.
* He pays for bills and rent, but not much else. I am having to pay for his food, travel costs, etc.

To cut a long story short, he is paying equally for bills and rent, but not much else. I own all the furniture, which has cost me over £2000 in total, even though I got them from discount furniture shops/charity shops. I am buying his food for him, and am "lending" him money. He owes me at least £450, which he has agreed to pay me back £20 a month, because that's all he can afford. He owes a lot of people a lot of money, so I feel obliged to accept whatever he is willing to give me.

There have been times recently when I have realised enough is enough, and have refused to pay for his food/travel. But then he can't get to work, he can't eat, I am buying food and cooking it here and then it's really awkward because he sits there while I'm tucking in. I've only actually done that a couple of times because the other times I have felt too guilty and have given in.

I keep thinking, what is the other option? If he can't afford it, then he will have to move out - and I desperately don't want him to. I would rather keep paying for him (although I hate doing it) than for him to move out.

I think my main worry is that 25% of my pay each month goes on my share of the bills, but because of everything else I am having to pay, I am left with barely anything afterwards. I have been employed since September and have not been able to save any money up, and have maxed both of my overdrafts.

I've tried speaking to him about it but he shuts down, shouts and gets really arsey, saying he's trying his best. I know he is deep down, but at the same time I don't think it's fair.

I don't really know why I'm posting this.. I guess I just want other people's
thoughts on the situation.

I read the whole thing!

Well, I think you're probably a very caring partner OP.
One of the other poster is right; you're making more than him so you can't really expect him to buy/pay much.

Regarding the Mac, he probably thinks it's a good offer (or probably didn't think it through) to buy one.

I do feel for you OP, and your partner, and you mentioned he owes some money from some people so those must be looming over his head really.

I'm not too sure what to say; perhaps you can show him how much you're left, and you want to start having some savings and if things are as there are now, it'd be difficult for you to achieve it. It may take time to let it sink in on him but if he's a decent partner, he'll see things through.

Reply 11

joey11223

20

what the **** is this situation?

Had to pick my jaw up off the desk when the absolute gems of....

I have bought every single item of furniture, except a 40" TV which is his.

OURS

He pays for bills and rent, but not much else. I am having to pay for his food, travel costs, etc.

OUR food, OUR travel costs

I own all the furniture. I am buying his food for him.

OUR furniture, OUR food, "My food, his food", FOOD ffs?

and have refused to pay for his food/travel. But then he can't get to work, he can't eat, I am buying food and cooking it here and then it's really awkward because he sits there while I'm tucking in.

Yeah quite awkward when you're eating and your partner, whom you love, is going without food...because you choose to spite them.

saying he's trying his best. I know he is deep down

Well lookie here I found the answer from a response to got an......wait a you wrote this OP? Well I guess you've answered your own question in the first place.

**** me really? You're living together, you're supposedly in love, do you see a future together? You're partners, a team. Things are not "my tv, your coffee table, my fridge, your washing machine", what childish and toxic nonsense is that?

I apologies to most women who are normal when it comes to this but seriously this screams of some bizarre sexist attitude. The woman is earning significantly more than the man....but everything has to be 50/50 when the man clearly cannot afford it? I thought this was the age of equality, gender doesn't matter. a woman can be a breadwinner. What do you think happened in the last...forever? Men paid for all aspects of living together, then for most when women had part-time jobs and lower paid jobs. Hell of all the couples who've stayed together (including myself from Summer onwards) the man is out earning their partner, they don't expect to split things right down the middle if they partner cannot afford this, you contribute as a percentage basically. Don't forgot men tend to out earn women when they're older, do you think they all demand a 50/50% split regardless? No, you earn more you contribute more, a bit like the tax system.

If he's wasting money, although you seem to say he isn't really, then obviously you need to press the fact he has to contribute to your living costs first and foremost. But bar that there is nothing he can do right now.

Help him look for other/better work. If he is refusing to try and get anything better then whether or not that's a deal breaker is up to you. But again, there is no reason a women cannot be the main earner, bar some sort of ingrained social convention.

Really though if you foresee this situation as unchanging in the medium term you should end the relationship and look for someone who earns equal or more than you, elite singles might be an idea if those who register are genuine (I imagine they vet them)? It is driving you insane and I'm sure it's hardly a happy experience for him. Can you imagine working in a low paid job and getting home to your partner eating their own food which they keep from you and you not being able to eat yourself because you can't afford it? **** me that's grim.

Apologies for how blunt this is, hit some sort of nerve tbh. Or the fact it's my weekend on the rota...away we go.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 12

llys

17

I don't think it is fair to split 50/50 if you earn twice as much as him. I think it should be at least 60/40.

I think the real problem here is that you live somewhere you cannot afford (or can only barely afford).

On his side, I do think he should learn to manage the money he has got; if he keeps borrowing money he probably has expenses he doesn't need. Probably too much goes on bills and rent.

You can both keep records for a month, each of you just for yourself, to figure out for yourself where all your money goes / he can figure out for himself where all his money goes. Though I suspect by this point he may see this suggestion as offensive.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 13

MasonM

14

Well get rid off him then maybe you can have an extra £200 a month to buy takeaways cause your single n lonely.

Reply 14

username402722

19

If 25% of your pay goes on bills you are in a much better position than the majority of people in London of your (likely) age.

Reply 15

jmcwitch

4

Wow. I'm quite shocked at this. Your attitude screams of he's not trying. Me and my boyfriend live together and he pays the percentage of stuff, he doesn't grudge me it though (I work, I just down earn as much as him.
However I buy the food, pay the petrol costs and a few other things but it's no where near 50% of the household bills. Because I don't earn 50%.
If he didn't eat the food I pay for or use the petrol I bought her starve and do no where.
The furniture we have has been bought seperare but is ours because we live together.
I can not believe you sat and ate dinner before you felt guilty, that's unbelievable. Who does that???

We are trying to move because I don't earn as much to give my boyfriend more money, the only thing that needs changing for you OP is your attitude.

Reply 16

username1148663

21

Original post by Nutella:3

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has been my best friend for longer.

We both left university last Summer and after a short while of doing our own thing we decided to take the next step and move in together. We have been living together since November.

I'm looking for some advice. Since leaving University we have both managed to secure a job. His job pays minimum wage, mine is higher. In total, each month I earn at least double what he does.

Unfortunately this has caused us a lot of problems. We rent a 2 bed house, and before we moved in we agreed to split everything 50/50 to make it fair. This includes bills, food, etc.

Here are a few of the issues:-
* Our house was offered unfurnished, so we had to buy everything from scratch. I have bought every single item of furniture, except a 40" TV which is his. As you can imagine this cost me massively. Initially we agreed to split 50/50 on furniture, but now it's turned into an IOU on his part.
* I lent him £100 at the beginning of the tenancy, to contribute towards first months' rent. I had to dip into my overdraft to pay for this, and he agreed to pay me back - in full, including fee - on his next payday. This didn't happen.
* He pays for bills and rent, but not much else. I am having to pay for his food, travel costs, etc.

To cut a long story short, he is paying equally for bills and rent, but not much else. I own all the furniture, which has cost me over £2000 in total, even though I got them from discount furniture shops/charity shops. I am buying his food for him, and am "lending" him money. He owes me at least £450, which he has agreed to pay me back £20 a month, because that's all he can afford. He owes a lot of people a lot of money, so I feel obliged to accept whatever he is willing to give me.

There have been times recently when I have realised enough is enough, and have refused to pay for his food/travel. But then he can't get to work, he can't eat, I am buying food and cooking it here and then it's really awkward because he sits there while I'm tucking in. I've only actually done that a couple of times because the other times I have felt too guilty and have given in.

I keep thinking, what is the other option? If he can't afford it, then he will have to move out - and I desperately don't want him to. I would rather keep paying for him (although I hate doing it) than for him to move out.

I think my main worry is that 25% of my pay each month goes on my share of the bills, but because of everything else I am having to pay, I am left with barely anything afterwards. I have been employed since September and have not been able to save any money up, and have maxed both of my overdrafts.

I've tried speaking to him about it but he shuts down, shouts and gets really arsey, saying he's trying his best. I know he is deep down, but at the same time I don't think it's fair.

I don't really know why I'm posting this.. I guess I just want other people's
thoughts on the situation.