We have sex but he only considers me a friend?
Hello,
I met this guy two months ago through mutual friends and we very quickly became friends. He began calling and texting me every day and is still doing so now. He asked me straight a few weeks ago if I liked him, to which I said yes. And he replied the same, but explained his situation is hard for him.
The thing is, he has just come out of a 7 year relationship. He is still living with his partner and they only communicate via text messages. He told me even if him or his partner moves out, he'll need time to heal before considering another relationship. I accepted this and let it be.
Things quickly escalated and we began to get intimate. But before that, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, because as I was a virgin I may feel an emotional bond with him. He went on to assure me he wont be getting back with his ex and that there's no harm in a bit of fun.
Anyway, we've been having sex for a while now which is fun, but I can't help but feel like he sees me as a piece on the side. When people ask about us being together he straight out denies it and tells them we're just friends. I asked him why he was saying this and his reply was "Well, because we are just friends". Last time I checked, I don't have sex with my friends.
I feel he's taken advantage of my naivety and kindness and basically made me his friend with benefits. I'm 23, I don't really want a friend with benefits. I want to find a stable relationship where someone loves me.
I don't know what to do. I feel an attachment to him and it's only getting stronger. Do I withdraw myself from him now and remain JUST friends. Or do I see how things pan out and maybe in the future he'll express his feelings for me?
I feel he has feelings for me but isn't able to accept them because he's been in a committed relationship for 7 years. He's scared to let go of his ex out of fear of being lonely. I just feel I'm his "back up" for when things do end for good with his ex. Any advice? Thank you.
I met this guy two months ago through mutual friends and we very quickly became friends. He began calling and texting me every day and is still doing so now. He asked me straight a few weeks ago if I liked him, to which I said yes. And he replied the same, but explained his situation is hard for him.
The thing is, he has just come out of a 7 year relationship. He is still living with his partner and they only communicate via text messages. He told me even if him or his partner moves out, he'll need time to heal before considering another relationship. I accepted this and let it be.
Things quickly escalated and we began to get intimate. But before that, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, because as I was a virgin I may feel an emotional bond with him. He went on to assure me he wont be getting back with his ex and that there's no harm in a bit of fun.
Anyway, we've been having sex for a while now which is fun, but I can't help but feel like he sees me as a piece on the side. When people ask about us being together he straight out denies it and tells them we're just friends. I asked him why he was saying this and his reply was "Well, because we are just friends". Last time I checked, I don't have sex with my friends.
I feel he's taken advantage of my naivety and kindness and basically made me his friend with benefits. I'm 23, I don't really want a friend with benefits. I want to find a stable relationship where someone loves me.
I don't know what to do. I feel an attachment to him and it's only getting stronger. Do I withdraw myself from him now and remain JUST friends. Or do I see how things pan out and maybe in the future he'll express his feelings for me?
I feel he has feelings for me but isn't able to accept them because he's been in a committed relationship for 7 years. He's scared to let go of his ex out of fear of being lonely. I just feel I'm his "back up" for when things do end for good with his ex. Any advice? Thank you.
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You do though. You're practically friends with benefits. or no strings attached.
To be honest, you knew what you were doing before you started the whole thing. You were a virgin, and YOU chose and made your decision. If you're falling for him, then that's your fault.
To be honest, you knew what you were doing before you started the whole thing. You were a virgin, and YOU chose and made your decision. If you're falling for him, then that's your fault.
damn he must have some game
I am going to be honest with you... I doubt he has feelings for you. It sounds like you have fallen for him hard especially after having sex with him. You let him kid you into thinking it wouldn't happen and it did. He told you in the beginning he wasn't looking for a relationship, so you should have run in the other direction. He literally said '' it's a bit of fun '' and ''we are just friends'' these are big red flags, this isn't something a person would say if they wanted a serious relationship with you.
Maybe you thought after the sex he would change his mind? I can't think of any other reason why the things he said to you haven't sunk in, he was pretty straight the point about where you stand.
In terms of you being his bit on the side, I'm not sure.. You certainly aren't his main meal. This whole living with his partner thing is a little up in the air. I'm not saying he isn't being honest about being separated from her, but I'd prefer to know for certain he is 100% over her and there's no possibility of him going back to her. I only say this because they have just broke up and it takes time to get over someone.
Out of your options I suggest you go with option 'C'. See yourself out this situation, you can hang around and continue to sleep with him but from the sounds of it he will continue to deny being involved with you and you will get hurt in the long run. Protect your heart and let this man go.
Maybe you thought after the sex he would change his mind? I can't think of any other reason why the things he said to you haven't sunk in, he was pretty straight the point about where you stand.
In terms of you being his bit on the side, I'm not sure.. You certainly aren't his main meal. This whole living with his partner thing is a little up in the air. I'm not saying he isn't being honest about being separated from her, but I'd prefer to know for certain he is 100% over her and there's no possibility of him going back to her. I only say this because they have just broke up and it takes time to get over someone.
Out of your options I suggest you go with option 'C'. See yourself out this situation, you can hang around and continue to sleep with him but from the sounds of it he will continue to deny being involved with you and you will get hurt in the long run. Protect your heart and let this man go.
(edited 8 years ago)
guuuuuuurl u a booty call
Don't let yourself be a "back up". You deserve better than that.
Original post by sleepyspider
Don't let yourself be a "back up". You deserve better than that.
I agree
Well, I don't think you need any advice.
You have basically answered your own question.
You have basically answered your own question.
you want different things so just make it clear that you're not interested in casual sex or any FWB arrangement and stop wasting your time. Either way, he hasnt misled you or used you in anyway, he was perfectly honest from the beginning and you're the one who refused to accept reality because you have feelings for him. To him you're his FWB, and truth be told you're most likely not the only one he's seeing.
I have some good news and bad news for you.
The good news is that you are not friends with benefits.
The bad news is that you're not friends. How often are you two going out to the art gallery, or the pub, or whatever it is he does with his friends? Based on what you've said, it sounds like you're just a booty call.
Ask yourself: How much time do you spend with him and his friends? How often do you hang out without sex?
You know what this relationship is and if you're happy with it, then continue along the way. If you're not happy with it then leave.
Because he is not going to change.
Most people who hear advice like this think, "I'm different. This guy is different. He doesn't know my situation." and then ignore this, only to decide they feel foolish after a year or two of this.
So it's basically up to you - You can continue as you are in which case nothing will change or you can change something. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got,.
The good news is that you are not friends with benefits.
The bad news is that you're not friends. How often are you two going out to the art gallery, or the pub, or whatever it is he does with his friends? Based on what you've said, it sounds like you're just a booty call.
Ask yourself: How much time do you spend with him and his friends? How often do you hang out without sex?
You know what this relationship is and if you're happy with it, then continue along the way. If you're not happy with it then leave.
Because he is not going to change.
Most people who hear advice like this think, "I'm different. This guy is different. He doesn't know my situation." and then ignore this, only to decide they feel foolish after a year or two of this.
So it's basically up to you - You can continue as you are in which case nothing will change or you can change something. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got,.
Get yourself out of this. Honestly, this is going to lead to disaster for these reasons:
1) he's just got out of a 7 year relationship and has openly admitted to you that he'll need time to heal
2) he's still living with his ex, which is a f*cking weird set up to begin with. Also they text each other when they're living together? Find that hard to believe.
3) he denies to people that you're anything more than friends, which suggests to me that he is nowhere near ready to commit and is just enjoying the casual sex
Clearly you both have completely different expectations and you're only going to make your feelings stronger by continuing this set up. I'd get out before you feelings grow too strong and invest those feelings on someone who wants the same as you.
1) he's just got out of a 7 year relationship and has openly admitted to you that he'll need time to heal
2) he's still living with his ex, which is a f*cking weird set up to begin with. Also they text each other when they're living together? Find that hard to believe.
3) he denies to people that you're anything more than friends, which suggests to me that he is nowhere near ready to commit and is just enjoying the casual sex
Clearly you both have completely different expectations and you're only going to make your feelings stronger by continuing this set up. I'd get out before you feelings grow too strong and invest those feelings on someone who wants the same as you.
I just want to pitch in with some love and a hug for you OP 
All these replies are probably right, I think he is just enjoying the sex and won't ever give you anything more, but I know this must be a really heartbreaking thing for you to go through and nobody needs to be told they're 'just a booty call'. I know it's easier said than done but I think you need to draw a line under things with this guy, for your own sake.
All these replies are probably right, I think he is just enjoying the sex and won't ever give you anything more, but I know this must be a really heartbreaking thing for you to go through and nobody needs to be told they're 'just a booty call'. I know it's easier said than done but I think you need to draw a line under things with this guy, for your own sake.Original post by abc101
I just want to pitch in with some love and a hug for you OP All these replies are probably right, I think he is just enjoying the sex and won't ever give you anything more, but I know this must be a really heartbreaking thing for you to go through and nobody needs to be told they're 'just a booty call'. I know it's easier said than done but I think you need to draw a line under things with this guy, for your own sake.
All these replies are probably right, I think he is just enjoying the sex and won't ever give you anything more, but I know this must be a really heartbreaking thing for you to go through and nobody needs to be told they're 'just a booty call'. I know it's easier said than done but I think you need to draw a line under things with this guy, for your own sake.I second this, knowing how much these things hurt I hope you will get over him soon and find someone who will love you and treat you better. Letting this guy go will be painful at the start but in a few months you will be so glad that you did
Original post by Mj2014
x
Damn, he's playing you about.
Why can't I get a long tern relationship like this jfc
I've just gotten out of something a bit like this. He only wanted me around when we were having sex, and it hurt because I wanted to feel loved in the same way that I loved him.
Gain a bit of perspective; you have the choice between short term pain (break it off) or long term pain (keep going with it).
There will be a man who can give you what you want from a relationship, and the first step towards finding him is to be a sexy single.
Gain a bit of perspective; you have the choice between short term pain (break it off) or long term pain (keep going with it).
There will be a man who can give you what you want from a relationship, and the first step towards finding him is to be a sexy single.
Original post by Anonymous
You do though. You're practically friends with benefits. or no strings attached.
To be honest, you knew what you were doing before you started the whole thing. You were a virgin, and YOU chose and made your decision. If you're falling for him, then that's your fault.
To be honest, you knew what you were doing before you started the whole thing. You were a virgin, and YOU chose and made your decision. If you're falling for him, then that's your fault.
Pretty much this, I say props to the guy for at least being honest up front about not wanting a relationship. He even said "a bit of fun"
I'm not trying to blame you, because I can understand how easily feelings get in the way but I think it's unfair of you to have sex with a guy who clearly stated he just wants fun whilst he gets over his ex and then to try to make it something more then that.
You knew the risks, you just assumed it would work out and it didn't.
That being said, he probably should have kept checking in with you to make sure you were both clear on the boundaries per say.
In any case, let this fish go and find a new mate.
I've been hanging around in that "friends with benefits with zone" before and did for about 2-3 years.
I kept convincing myself it was okay - because I didn't want anymore than that - but secretly I always did.
My advice is they never change - so tell him how you really feel, if he's not up for what you want, create a distance and move on.
The problem is if he thinks everything is okay, he'll never change this and neither will you. You need to be honest with him before you get more hurt.
Looking back now, I blew off a lot of potential guys for this "fake relationship" who were decent guys. Because I thought what we were doing was "okay" because we really liked each other and we were different.
Looking back now I realise he was a ******.
But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I can totally get what your going through. But if you want a relationship, you're never going to get one if you keep telling him that this is okay.
(I'm anonymous but my bloody surname is in my user name)
I kept convincing myself it was okay - because I didn't want anymore than that - but secretly I always did.
My advice is they never change - so tell him how you really feel, if he's not up for what you want, create a distance and move on.
The problem is if he thinks everything is okay, he'll never change this and neither will you. You need to be honest with him before you get more hurt.
Looking back now, I blew off a lot of potential guys for this "fake relationship" who were decent guys. Because I thought what we were doing was "okay" because we really liked each other and we were different.
Looking back now I realise he was a ******.
But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I can totally get what your going through. But if you want a relationship, you're never going to get one if you keep telling him that this is okay.
(I'm anonymous but my bloody surname is in my user name)
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