Was it rape? Long question but has been playing on my mind since
I have tried to compress the details (putting all I can remember from the night) in your opinion, is my story rape?- I was drunk and at the bar and saw a uni friend of mine so started talking about him going home with my friend, the next I remember from this was being at his house in his room actually having Sex (I can't even remember getting inside the house/ taxi this is the extend of drunk that I was)- I stopped and told him I wanted to go home during sex at least 4 times and he'd stop me telling me it was a silly idea, it was dark, I wouldn't know my way home, I was being stupid etc but at the time drunk me thought he was probably right and he was only looking out for me so after each time stopping we would continue having sex- i remember me trying to push him off me and was kind of flapping my arms about to stop having sex with him but he had my wrists and held them down telling me to 'shhh' although it seemed more like he was calming me down - he also held my head to the pillow when we were doing doggy style (sorry for the graphic info) I tried resisting but couldn't so waited until we could change position but only once- I was on my period and had my tampon in when it happened and period sex is not in my sober thoughts AT ALL!!! I know regardless of how drunk I was I would of told him this and most likely the fact I didn't want sex (and if I did it would of took place at my flat, which it did not!)- The main issue is when we were having sex, proper sex I kind of went along with it and from what I remember it went on for 30mins plus and I stayed the night?? So I am more annoyed/ disgusted at myself for being to drunk to do anything or even leave and go home and giving him mixed messages the whole time! I know I should speak to a professional, but I'm unsure whether I'm just being over dramatic and would be wasting their time or not.
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Reading through your post I was thinking 'yes' up until you said you went along with it. I'm hesitant to say it was rape if you, in the end, went along with it. That being said, the guy absolutely should have stopped when you first said no. I think you should speak to someone about this and get an expert opinion.
Put frankly if you're that drunk you don't remember going to someone's place then to have sex with you is to rape you.
But remember the same applies when that sexy drunk guy is coming onto you. You're raping him.
But remember the same applies when that sexy drunk guy is coming onto you. You're raping him.
the fact that you're even asking this question means "no". if it was rape, you'd ****in' know.
Original post by TorpidPhil
Put frankly if you're that drunk you don't remember going to someone's place then to have sex with you is to rape you.
But remember the same applies when that sexy drunk guy is coming onto you. You're raping him.
But remember the same applies when that sexy drunk guy is coming onto you. You're raping him.
Rape requires that he intended to rape her and appreciated that such was the case. Doesn't really sound like it here.
She definitely did not sexually assault him, if everything she says is as it is (btw, women cannot rape unless they're convicted as accomplishes to rape).
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Original post by shaannonwatts
etc etc.
I'd argue that rape is sex without obvious sound consent. You explained that you tried to resist and 'flapped about'/'asked to go home' etc. This is the opposite of consent. If you were so intoxicated that you couldn't remember a whole taxi journey etc then I'd argue you weren't of sound mind, and therefore were unable to offer 'obvious consent'. The fact that he held you down and you couldn't 'resist' his force in holding you down further suggests assault. I would argue that in a lot of cases victims of rape 'just kind of went along with it' as you described as they realise the whole ordeal will be over with quicker/their resistance is not working, and so remain quiet.
Essentially from what you have said, I would suggest you speak with someone professionally about this experience. To me it sounds like rape. Certainly stop giving yourself a hard time; you expressed your wishes to end the situation both by physically and verbally.
Have a virtual *hug* from me.
Original post by Anonymous
I have tried to compress the details (putting all I can remember from the night) in your opinion, is my story rape?- I was drunk and at the bar and saw a uni friend of mine so started talking about him going home with my friend, the next I remember from this was being at his house in his room actually having Sex (I can't even remember getting inside the house/ taxi this is the extend of drunk that I was)- I stopped and told him I wanted to go home during sex at least 4 times and he'd stop me telling me it was a silly idea, it was dark, I wouldn't know my way home, I was being stupid etc but at the time drunk me thought he was probably right and he was only looking out for me so after each time stopping we would continue having sex- i remember me trying to push him off me and was kind of flapping my arms about to stop having sex with him but he had my wrists and held them down telling me to 'shhh' although it seemed more like he was calming me down - he also held my head to the pillow when we were doing doggy style (sorry for the graphic info) I tried resisting but couldn't so waited until we could change position but only once- I was on my period and had my tampon in when it happened and period sex is not in my sober thoughts AT ALL!!! I know regardless of how drunk I was I would of told him this and most likely the fact I didn't want sex (and if I did it would of took place at my flat, which it did not!)- The main issue is when we were having sex, proper sex I kind of went along with it and from what I remember it went on for 30mins plus and I stayed the night?? So I am more annoyed/ disgusted at myself for being to drunk to do anything or even leave and go home and giving him mixed messages the whole time! I know I should speak to a professional, but I'm unsure whether I'm just being over dramatic and would be wasting their time or not.
Was he also drunk?
If not, then he knew you didn't have to capacity to consent while intoxicated. It doesn't matter if you went along with it afterwards as it seems you couldn't really do anything apart from go along with it anyways as he clearly wasn't listening when you said no.
You did not consent and even so you did not have the capacity to consent while intoxicated. It is rape.
Yeah, that was rape. You made it clear you didn't want it, and he kept on regardless.
Yes it is, even if you had both been drunk, you told him to stop multiple times, he should have listened. This is definitely sex without consent, report him to the police and make sure you speak to someone about it. Sorry you had to got though that op, please PM me if you need to talk
Original post by Anonymous
I have tried to compress the details (putting all I can remember from the night) in your opinion, is my story rape?- I was drunk and at the bar and saw a uni friend of mine so started talking about him going home with my friend, the next I remember from this was being at his house in his room actually having Sex (I can't even remember getting inside the house/ taxi this is the extend of drunk that I was)- I stopped and told him I wanted to go home during sex at least 4 times and he'd stop me telling me it was a silly idea, it was dark, I wouldn't know my way home, I was being stupid etc but at the time drunk me thought he was probably right and he was only looking out for me so after each time stopping we would continue having sex- i remember me trying to push him off me and was kind of flapping my arms about to stop having sex with him but he had my wrists and held them down telling me to 'shhh' although it seemed more like he was calming me down - he also held my head to the pillow when we were doing doggy style (sorry for the graphic info) I tried resisting but couldn't so waited until we could change position but only once- I was on my period and had my tampon in when it happened and period sex is not in my sober thoughts AT ALL!!! I know regardless of how drunk I was I would of told him this and most likely the fact I didn't want sex (and if I did it would of took place at my flat, which it did not!)- The main issue is when we were having sex, proper sex I kind of went along with it and from what I remember it went on for 30mins plus and I stayed the night?? So I am more annoyed/ disgusted at myself for being to drunk to do anything or even leave and go home and giving him mixed messages the whole time! I know I should speak to a professional, but I'm unsure whether I'm just being over dramatic and would be wasting their time or not.
If this isn't rape, I don't know what is. You were too intoxicated to consent AND you told him to stop. You should report him imho.
Yes it should be reported how many other women will he do this to? You were drunk and he should never have slept with you cause surely you would have told him you were on your period and you would prefer it if it was done at your place instead. You can't remember how you got there did he drug your drink?
Original post by tcameron
Was he also drunk?
If not, then he knew you didn't have to capacity to consent while intoxicated. It doesn't matter if you went along with it afterwards as it seems you couldn't really do anything apart from go along with it anyways as he clearly wasn't listening when you said no.
You did not consent and even so you did not have the capacity to consent while intoxicated. It is rape.
If not, then he knew you didn't have to capacity to consent while intoxicated. It doesn't matter if you went along with it afterwards as it seems you couldn't really do anything apart from go along with it anyways as he clearly wasn't listening when you said no.
You did not consent and even so you did not have the capacity to consent while intoxicated. It is rape.
What has him being drunk got to do with anything? This would be deemed rape if OP was sober, and it is rape if OP is drunk.
The man raped if he was sober, or drunk. He can't use his state of drunkeness as an excuse, for not listening to a girl when she wanted to stop, and for holding her down when she tried to resist. Being drunk himself is not an excuse for that behaviour.
(edited 8 years ago)
Original post by Twinpeaks
What has him being drunk got to do with anything? This would be deemed rape if OP was sober, and it is rape if OP is drunk.
The man raped if he was sober, or drunk. He can't use his state of drunkeness as an excuse, for not listening to a girl when she wanted to stop, and for holding her down when she tried to resist. Being drunk himself is not an excuse for that behaviour.
The man raped if he was sober, or drunk. He can't use his state of drunkeness as an excuse, for not listening to a girl when she wanted to stop, and for holding her down when she tried to resist. Being drunk himself is not an excuse for that behaviour.
I'm not excusing his behaviour, but if they were equally as drunk he could claim he was sexually assaulted by her as he didn't have the capacity to consent if drunk. Not condoning his behaviour, it's a valid point.
Original post by tcameron
I'm not excusing his behaviour, but if they were equally as drunk he could claim he was sexually assaulted by her as he didn't have the capacity to consent if drunk. Not condoning his behaviour, it's a valid point.
You can't actively have sex with someone, and hold them down and everything, and then claim to have been sexually assaulted.
Original post by anosmianAcrimony
You can't actively have sex with someone, and hold them down and everything, and then claim to have been sexually assaulted.
I agree.
The fact is, he himself could claim he was sexually assaulted and complicate things.
I'm not on his side at all and from what OP had said it does appear to be rape. He however could make things more complicated if he was intoxicated as well.
Yes. You didn't consent.
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Original post by tcameron
I'm not excusing his behaviour, but if they were equally as drunk he could claim he was sexually assaulted by her as he didn't have the capacity to consent if drunk. Not condoning his behaviour, it's a valid point.
That's a very silly thing to say. He held her wrists down, and her head against the pillow, and repeatedly told her to "shh" and refused to stop when she asked.
Whereas she didn't do anything. Her intoxication made her a victim, his intoxication made him an aggressor. Do you see the difference. Her state of intoxcation made her less able to fight back, his made him probably more aggressive due to lowered inhibition.
If you truly believe that he could have been a victim, then that means you also believe that a person accused of ABH/ GBH can vanquish all responsibility if they were drunk at the time. In fact, they can somehow become a victim too.
Hi,
I think some of the other posters here are giving slightly misguided advice. The legal (and fair) view of the situation will be soley dependent on the events that transpired and not either individuals commentary on them.
I hope this post does not seem confrontational as I have the deepest sympathy for your situation.
- You went back to his house - suggests willingness
- You said you wanted to go home - not synonymous with wanting to stop, why did you not say you wanted to stop having sex? You were capable of speaking yet did not communicate explicitly that you did not want to have sex.
- You flailed your arms around when in the act - was this accompanied with a verbal demand to stop ? If it was then it changes the situation entirely. If unaccompanied by verbal cues then this could easily be interpreted as part of the act.
- You resisted in certain positions - again this is very often part of the act so unless accompanied by an explicit verbal demand to stop is not rape.
Without your added commentary it is not obvious from the events that you were not a willing participant. This does not mean the situation was not distressing and I would definitely advise counselling if it is affecting your mental health. I really hope everything works out for you!
I would like to add that if you suspect that your drink was spiked it changes the situation entirely and you should persue the matter further.
This post is my opinion and does not constitute legal advice.
I think some of the other posters here are giving slightly misguided advice. The legal (and fair) view of the situation will be soley dependent on the events that transpired and not either individuals commentary on them.
I hope this post does not seem confrontational as I have the deepest sympathy for your situation.
- You went back to his house - suggests willingness
- You said you wanted to go home - not synonymous with wanting to stop, why did you not say you wanted to stop having sex? You were capable of speaking yet did not communicate explicitly that you did not want to have sex.
- You flailed your arms around when in the act - was this accompanied with a verbal demand to stop ? If it was then it changes the situation entirely. If unaccompanied by verbal cues then this could easily be interpreted as part of the act.
- You resisted in certain positions - again this is very often part of the act so unless accompanied by an explicit verbal demand to stop is not rape.
Without your added commentary it is not obvious from the events that you were not a willing participant. This does not mean the situation was not distressing and I would definitely advise counselling if it is affecting your mental health. I really hope everything works out for you!
I would like to add that if you suspect that your drink was spiked it changes the situation entirely and you should persue the matter further.
This post is my opinion and does not constitute legal advice.
(edited 8 years ago)
It is impossible to tell, if you were that drunk to not remember so much, it'd be extremely unfair to ruin someone's life. You simply don't have enough here. Some aspects sound terribly rape like.
Nonetheless, it's easy to regret something you did drunk but doesn't change that you did it, and doesn't make it okay to put it all on the person, I've done terrible things drunk that i would have never done sober.
How did you end up at his? Cos you said you left with a friend right and next you remembered you were at his so maybe speak to your friend about what happened.
Rape is serious and if he has done something like that he shouldn't get away with it but you need to be super sure of what happened rather than wanting to justify a regrettable drunken action
Nonetheless, it's easy to regret something you did drunk but doesn't change that you did it, and doesn't make it okay to put it all on the person, I've done terrible things drunk that i would have never done sober.
How did you end up at his? Cos you said you left with a friend right and next you remembered you were at his so maybe speak to your friend about what happened.
Rape is serious and if he has done something like that he shouldn't get away with it but you need to be super sure of what happened rather than wanting to justify a regrettable drunken action
