Children of divorced parents, what sort of challenges do you or did you face?

So my parents divorced when I was 17 (I'm 19 now)First I overheard my mom tell my nan but ignored it only to have her tell me on a day out a week later. I didn't know what to do and didn't have the guts to tell anyone or ask questions.

My parents didn't make it seem like a big deal and so I think they expected it to be the same for me but sadly no. My life isn't the same after that. I used to think that if get married and have kids, and have a family like our own but now I can't even see myself lasting long enough to have kids. Commitments terrify me because I fear they will end. I hope this is just a phase. Has anyone gone through this??
I'd say the worst thing for me is the guilt I feel when I go spend the day or weekend with my father and his new partner. I feel as though I'm neglecting my mother whom I live with. Can anyone relate to this?

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Reply 1

brainzistheword

Study Forum Helper, Careers Forum Helper

Sorry to hear this.

Mine split when I was 9 - I'm nearly 16 now.

It was messy and my mum turned violent. There was a court case to follow which lasted 3 years and I'm still under orders to go and see her, despite saying for years that I don't want to. I completely understand what you mean about not worrying about commitment and I still haven't come to term with it properly.

If you ever need to talk you can PM me :smile:

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

My parents divorced when I was really young (don't remember when they WERE together) so I kinda grew up with it but it affected me a lot more than I thought. It was mainly because my parents would use me and my siblings as tools to fight each other and it always caused me so much stress because I was constantly in the middle of them. It has caused me to be emotionally stunted and yes it has made me scared of commitments so relationships never work out well... I just never realised it was because of my parents.

Reply 3

mkap

i was 10 when it happened. it was hard not seeing my mum and dad together anymore. there divorce was quite ugly and my parents used as as communication tools to each other and asked us constantly about each others new lives. my parents also were fighting all the time and used to tell us horrible things about each other such as my dad saying 'your mum doesnt care she's selfish' or my mum saying 'your dad...'. there was the whole custody battle where they went to court and then there was the whole child support money issue and the fight over the house.

Reply 4

Platopus

Original post by smariah

Mine split when I was 11... Honestly can't say that I've faced any extra challenges except for the obvious financial ones. I haven't seen my dad in 7 years but that's a relief - he had got to be very unpleasant and life is much nicer without him.

Reply 5

username338343

Mine split up (they never married) when I was a toddler. I saw my dad every other weekend and it wasn't long before I didn't want to go anymore. When I was about 21 my Mum told me the real reason why they'd split up (he'd cheated) and that's coloured my view of my Dad ever since.

In terms of relationships it's actually made me more determined to have a stable home and relationship because there's literally only one marriage in my family still together on my Mum's side.

The way I would say that it messed me up is that I'm now 24 and my father has no idea who I am as a person, and even though he tries to 'get me' through the extremely infrequent contact we now have, that bond that should have been there doesn't exist and I find interactions with him forced and ridiculous.

Reply 6

smariah

Original post by Anonymous

Interesting to hear about your experience because I thought that younger kids were less affected than older ones. It's kind of eye opening because my younger brother has not said anything about how he feels about the whole situation, not even to me.

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Reply 7

smariah

Original post by SallySparrow66

I totally understand the whole thing about your dad cheating. And then everyone tells you not to pick a side (easier said than done really). I really hope things will get better between you and your dad!

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Reply 8

Anonymous #2

I was only told that my parents are getting divorced about 2 months ago and It came as a real shock to me. Becuase my dad is gone most of the time for work, I'm having increasing pressuree put on me to spend time with him, while my mum is home almost always.

In a years time I'll have to decide who i'm going to live with, my dad up north or my mum where I am now, and I have no idea what i'm going to do. whats more I know that my siblings will decide to live with my mum as she is better at looking after us, so I don't know whether to stay with them, or work on my relationship with my dad and live with him.

Reply 9

doodle_333

yeah I've had both those issues... for the feeling like you won't have a serious relationship yourself, I think once you find the right person you can start to try and relax and trust yourself a little bit and try and approach it as enjoying NOW rather than obsessing about when it will end, the reality is most relationships end, some after 2 months, some after 20 years, you've just got to enjoy what you get and trust that you can be happy either way

It can be hard to balance spending time, especially when you get older and move out and time is more precious... but I think the best thing is to communicate, I bet if you told your mum how you felt she would insist that she didn't feel that way at all, again try and just go with the flow a little more and do what makes you happy

I think talking about stuff is really important, I've had issues such as feeling like I can't mention my dad's 'new family' in front of my mum, having to negotiate both of them for things like graduation but if you tell people how you feel they can reassure you and things will just seem less 'huge'

also, it definitely gets easier in time!

Reply 10

Ki_Kamz

My parents probably got divorced like a year after i was born. So i never really got to experience the love of a father. Not that i mind. Since i never experienced i never missed it and i do not yearn for it. I live with my mom and my step dad (he's cool). But my mom complains about him from time to time. Doesn't really effect me however.

I do agree that commitments are terrifying and with a family background of non successful marriages means i don't have anyones marriages to look up to for a #marriagegoals

I would say if spouses connects and sincerely care, things will flow smoothly.

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Reply 11

Anonymous #3

My parents divorced when I was nine. I am now in my early teens. Nothing has changed about my feelings in this time. I am waiting till I finish academy to move far away from my mum. She's nice enough but I just can't stand her l am not the favourite child I feel alone when I'm at my mums house and only get to see my dad every 2nd weekend. I only truly feel happy when I'm at his house. It's gotten to the point where I cry everyday because I can't be happy. If i were to tell my mum I want to move away she would take all of my belongings away and claim she paid for them. I am truly stuck and hate my life.

Reply 12

Anonymous #4

I think one thing is feeling invalid and a minority in schools and stuff where so many people’s parents ARE together and are BOTH good parents. In depictions of divorces on TV, it’s always shown as 100% bad and there’s never an acknowledgement of cases where divorces ARE beneficial for children, eg if one parent abused the other in some way or if it was just toxic, but these instances are NEVER mentioned so I guess it just feels very alienating and isolating.

Reply 13

YourAverageApple

Original post by smariah

The verbal abuse from my father towards our mother and us and my mums denial of hitting us when we were little but its meant to be ‘normal’ in our race, but…trauma.