how to let someone down gently

I am a girl. I met this guy from a dating site and pretty much went all the way (sex) on our first date. Never done anything like this before. It was maybe cos we knew that I'd go abroad for three weeks after. I do like him as a person, he is really sweet and very sensitive, I did click with him in many ways, but the actual sex was not that great (and lasted less than a minute), even though I really fancy him physically. I am abroad now and we talked to each other yesterday (s kype) and I kind of felt that I am not sure anymore if there is really a spark there or if I want to go out with him/ have sex with him again. He already asked that we talk again tomorrow night. He lives two hours away from me (in the UK) and invited me to spend a weekend with him (after he told me about the town he lives in and I naturally/politely expressed interest).

I could of course wait it out and see how I feel, but right now the last thing I want is go stay with him and to spend a weekend with him and possibly feel 'obliged' to have sex with him?!

I am v bad at ending things and am v conscious about hurting people's feelings (he seems really into me and also really sensitive), but also it is a valid argument (that he may well voice) that how can one know already and how we have got on well so far, what's changed? how could I possibly tell him that I had high hopes initially but everything happened too fast and now I've gone off him?

what is my exit strategy here?

Reply 1

claireestelle

Original post by Anonymous

Let him down gently now rather than dragging things out i think.

The title

Just say no spark.

You could also say you think you slept with him too soon and you need to take a step back and say on what basis you would like any contact to go in i.e to get to know him better. He may alreadu feel you are gf material etc. Just be clear and honest with him. better now than letting it drag on.

Ofc it sounds as though you just arent clicking becayse if it was only the sex, then you would teach him.
I dont think theres a secret to doing it gently, just avoid being nasty, get to the point and dont make it personal or patronising.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 4

1682795

Tell him he can have sex with someone else because it's over.

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Reply 5

Studentus-anonymous

"I'm really sorry [Minute Man], I don't think this is going to work out. You're an awesome guy and I really enjoyed spending time with you but I just found out I'm pregnant, and with all the other stuff going on it's not a great time. Don't worry it's not yours, I slept with my ex a week/few weeks before we hooked up.

He's promised to be there for me and the baby, and we're talking a lot again so right now I don't think it's fair on him, the baby or you to continue things.

Anyway thanks for the date, and I hope you meet someone really awesome soon!, bye".

Then hang up on him and never pick up again.

But seriously, just dump him sooner rather than later (like tonight, over Skype. You don't have to be rude but you DO need to accept that sometimes doing what's best for you means disappointing someone else once in a while.
Right now he is a one-night stand who you've talked to a few times over Skype.

People can't be responsible for everyone else's feelings, and really this is what dating is about, and he should understand as any adult that the vast majority of his liaisons aren't going to end in happily-ever after (assuming he even wants more from that than a fling for a month or so).

You also need to find a way to understand dating is specifically so you can make these decisions. Some minor disappointment is to be expected, but he should by all rights take it in his stride.
If he makes a fuss over it then you know he's a bit of a mental and definitely not worth the trouble.

Best of luck.

P.S. Maybe have a sympathetic friend there for morale support.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by Hamoody

The title

what's wrong with the title, you unhelpful poster?

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by 999tigger

ironically, the fact of me being out of the country means that we have to take a step back, as we can only talk over skype. the sex wasn't that bad and anyway, first time is not always perfect, is it?

i feel that he is definitely interested in me and as a result rather nervous, which is a bit of a turn-off again. but also, I am v particular about who I like and he seemed really great during the first date, he still is great, but last night's skype conversation as well as all his nice but bland texts - i found rather dull...

Reply 8

999tigger

Btw if you dont wnat to go then dont go. Ofc you may have dumped him before, but its a bit silly to feel obliged to do anything you dont wnat to. He isnt your bf, think the only thing you owe him is to be straight and civil with him. he probably knows from his point of view that the sex was rubbish and will be worried by that.

No spark = no spark You cna control what happens and on what terms. See how you feel after, but its fine to say no.

Reply 9

999tigger

Original post by Anonymous

Cross posts....

the sex doesnt have to be terminal, but thats up to you. It kind of complicated things.

If he is dull and it felt forced, then not a good sign. You sound in control and its up to you when you dithc or not its all fine. You havent dated and you dont know him properly yet. I would be more bothered about him being dull becayse especually at the bginning convo happens easily and for hours imo, whereas your reacton is to be underwhelmed?

No problem if you decide to dump just tell him and dont make it personal. cant expect much more than that. He might ask why, probably best not to make it about the sex, just you didnt seem to click. Youd also have the issue of a ldr so a 2hr commute. Not ideal. GL whatever you decide.

Reply 10

username47781

Just be honest and tell him soon as possible, no point staying with someone just for the sake of it. Let him go so he can move on and find someone else.