I worry about my son

Dear All. Please forgive me if I am on the wrong page or somesuch, but I could really use some advice regarding my twenty-one year old son. He is attending university, studying Biological Science at degree level. He is a clever lad and I am sure he will do well, but this is the only thing that defines him..... He has never had any friends - from the day he started school - he is totally uninterested in any sort of work - weekend or holiday - he has no desire for a relationship - I am not aware of his sexual orientation. I have spoken to him of my concerns but he dismisses them with, 'I don't want any friends, I don't want a relationship, I don't like going out.' He tells me he is happy on his own, in his room, reading Dawkins, and I shouldn't worry. But I can see he's bored, I can't help thinking he's deflecting.... Any ideas....?

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Reply 1

Mathstatician

Original post by Worriedad

Yikes. You could have been describing me here.

Fortunately, not studying Biological sciences, meaning you're not my mum :colondollar:

I shut myself out too. Always have done. And it's difficult for anybody to get in because I rationalise it as 'not needing anybody' or 'being perfectly happy' or 'not interested in "that" stuff' but the reality is I'm insecure and depressed. I don't know what the deal is with your son and I don't want you to get in a panic. It is what it is. When he's ready, he'll pull his thumb out and decide to do more if that's what he wants.

All you can do is make sure there is opportunity for him to be more social and have contact. The isolation can be tough going. He'll only do it begrudgingly but afterwards, privately, he'll probably feel a little better. If he opens up, offer solutions/support. I told my mum I was depressed and she said "it's all in your head" my quip, "Very astute," really a screen over the hurt that she couldn't accept that I wasn't happy.

Must be tough being a mum in these kinds of situations, especially because you want to help him out of it, but my mother tried and failed with numerous approaches. But knowing she was there, regardless of her misguided understanding, did help.

Hope everything works out okay. I'm sorry if my post wasn't very helpful.

(edited 8 years ago)

Hire him a hooker?

Probably just autism, if he starts bullying Christians though give him a smack.

Hire him an escort.

Original post by Mathstatician

Pssssssssst...
That's his dad....

Reply 6

Mathstatician

Original post by homeland.lsw

Pssssssssst...
That's his dad....

Freudian slip; My dad has never been around.

Apologies @Worriedad

Reply 7

Akarim11

I feel like some people get like that to an extent. I felt like this (how you described in the OP) when I fell into depression, I'm generally an introvert but it went to an extreme when I was depressed.

If he hasn't always been like this, perhaps advice him to see a doctor? They will know better.

If your son has always been like this, it could just be that it's his personality. Or maybe he wants to do well in his degree and put everything else in the backseat x

Reply 8

username1738583

Original post by Mathstatician

Freudian slip; My dad has never been around.

Apologies @Worriedad

Ahh well...what you posted was very helpful I'm sure.
Sorry about your dad not being around

Reply 9

999tigger

Original post by Worriedad

he's nor doing drugs, gambling or being arrested. Sounds like he works hard and will get a degree that will give him good prospects.

He's only 21, which on the one hand I would say he's an adult now and you have to let go, but on the other I would say he's young and theres plenty if time to make friends, gf, have a family etc.

He may or may not be using everything uni has to offer, but you should trust him if those are your only worries. If you get warning signs, then that changes things, but its a fine balance between letting him do his own things and standing on the sidelines.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 10

LittleMix

Maybe he is depressed or just likes being alone. I have girl in my high school who practically douse the same thing she is smart and all but she never likes interacting with other people she never had a relationship and claims she would not want one.
Maybe talk to him and personally I think you should not worry about him. By worrying you will only make him feel like he is abnormal which you wouldn't want.

Reply 11

TheonlyMrsHolmes

Original post by Worriedad

Without jumping to any harsh conclusions he could just be an introvert, some humans just don't enjoy other human contact, it's fine! Some people like being alone.

But as another user has suggested it could be a sign of depression/ and or other mental health issues. It takes away desire for other human contact, or may increase need for human contact and relationships.It's difficult to tell, but if it's causing you a lot of worry, speak to him and suggest making a doctors appointment.

If I'm honest from your description, it sounds like the latter. Definitely bring it up with him in conversation.

Reply 12

whorace

Original post by TheonlyMrsHolmes

Without jumping to any harsh conclusions he could just be an introvert, some humans just don't enjoy other human contact, it's fine! Some people like being alone.
.

Pesky introverts, I know your secret. You're all wild animals waiting for someone comfortable enough to unleash.

Reply 13

chikane

Original post by Worriedad

Why not have some father son time? take him out for lunch or go do something he will enjoy.

Reply 14

MJ1012

I'm similar, I'm generally happy being introverted and doing my thing until people make me feel bad or say there's something wrong with it.
It's not being on my own that makes me feel bad, it's reactions (like yours) to it.
I suggest stop asking about it, it just makes everything a bigger deal for anyone with anxiety. When you know your family are pondering your sexuality, social ability and happiness. It makes going out, bringing a girl back etc. Seem like a big deal and cause too much attention.

Reply 15

Worriedad

Original post by MJ1012

Thank you for your kind reply. Yes, I needed to hear this, and I agree with you. The more I harp on about it, the bigger it will seem to him. He's happy, I don't think for a moment he would lie to me, so I shall just let him know that I am there if he needs anything. We are very close, and he knows I would never wish to pressure him. He's such a wonderful lad.... I wish more people knew him!

Reply 16

Minionmum

As parents we all worry bout our little cherubs away at uni - you say he had no interest in work -weekend or holiday - is this perhaps because you gave him a weekly allowance so he didn't have to get off his bum and earn money to get things that he wanted - (lap top - iphone clothes? anything like that ? ) being told you have to pay for stuff yourself is a great motivator.
My son is in first year of uni and is 20 - while he does mix very occasionally with flat mates ( perhaps your son's flat mates are a bit immature / just not the sciency type ) he too intends to be happiest in his room trying to get the grades (computer science ) He says he is paying £50k to get a good degree - if he wanted to go out and get drunk every night he would have taken out a loan for £10k to party on and not bothered going to uni - your son will be mixing with his course mates and will be doing group work / lab work in small groups out side of lectures,his course is pretty intensive,so if he just wants to stay in his room and work / read or whatever I wouldn't worry.
I wouldn't worry about the girlfriend bit either -from your point of view at least he is not in a relationship so that he can be dumped just as he sits his exams (every cloud has a silver lining) and you don't have to worry about him getting his girlfriend pregnant.A lot of my sons friends don't have girlfriends and my daughter (who is 18 ) and most of her friends don't have boyfriends as everyone is frantically working to get the grades to go to uni.

It could be that he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum (very mildly) more likely if he needed extra time during exams because of slow writing or reading / or has dyslexia.
As he has told you not to worry and that he is happy all you can do is be there at the other end of the phone / text/ email .

Reply 17

Worriedad

Original post by chikane

Why not have some father son time? take him out for lunch or go do something he will enjoy.

Thank you for your kind reply. I shall.... and do. Cheers!

Reply 18

Worriedad

Original post by whorace

Probably just autism, if he starts bullying Christians though give him a smack.

His anti-Christian rants are legendary, however, he has stopped short of pacing around wearing a sandwich board decrying God, or punching anyone who believes..... Thanks for your astute reply!