I'm more than just a number - Story of a french med student who failed and raised up

I lost to the unicorn

come on laughing is better than crying \o/

I lost, I have reason to make my own choices, and I've decided to cry khalas

Hiiiiiiii ! Time for part 4 \o/ ! Today it's about D Day, ^.^ i decided not to talk about the wait of the results today, because D Day is a bit longer than I thought ;P

D Day organization
You need to know the exam takes place 25-30km from the med school, so a lot of students choose to sleep at hotel to make sure they wont be late. I did it too, I booked a room a few days before with 2 of my friends (let's call them L and M).I wont tell you this story, because it's REALLY LONG. But you need to know that I knew L since I was 12, and M since I was 3.

Something happened that day, and kinda broke my friendship with M. End of the story. I tell you this to let you know that the concours can drive people crazy, and make them forget about important things as friendship.

D Day incoming
I slept 1h at night , because I was really stressed. I had to get up at 6:30, but I get up at 5, went to the bathroom and talked to myself in the mirror "t'es une championne t'es une championne t'es une championne t'es une championne.." (= you're a champion)
I did not had dinner the day before, and I left the room without having a breakfast. I wanted to take a coffee, but I felt too sick to try.
When I get into the exam place, it was so impressive that this day will stay in my memory forever. This day is called "reality".
Because you enter and you SEE with your own eyes 2500 students. And you know you have to beat them all, and in "reality day" the war is real.
In reality day your work has to pay.
Right ?
I went to my table. There was my name on it, and also a number, to make us find the place easily. 125. It hasn't even started and I was already a number. Maybe to make me sure why I was there after all. Maybe not.
But who cares about our feelings in such a situation ? They let us do. They let us fight. Nobody cares. Except the other students. But the orther students are ennemies. So ... ?
D Day. D Day. D Day. When your at the 125th table, you know it's coming, and you wanna run as far as possible, but you have to face what you are here for.
4 tests today. The first is the physics test. During 1h30.
It starts at 9:00.
It's 8:50.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
9:00.
Take your pen.
Let the war begin.
I'm glad, I know exactly what to do. I'm writing I'm writing I'm writing. I take a look around, some students seem lost. It makes me a bit more confident. I feel like I'm the best. Because I have to feel this way.
9:54. I'm .. I'm tired.
10:10 keep going.
...
10:20. What happened ? Great. Amazing. I lost 10min. I slept.
10 min left.
10:30.
Done.
You did not finish -impossible to finish a physics subject in 1:30 , it's on purpose, you just have to do your best- you feel guilty for falling asleep, but you feel proud.
Good start girl, good start.
Time for a break. You go out to breathe, you don't wanna see anyone you know. You did not turn on your phone, then you'll be alone.
You're starving. But you feel so sick, you can't eat, in case of you would vomit. It would be a lost of time.
11:00 , chemistery test.
Wait.
Wait wait wait.
You turn the pages.
You never seen such things before.
You're not used to such exercices.
You're not. You were supposed to.
Oh my god oh my god.
Look around.
Panick.
Heartbeat.
Just breath, just breath. You feel like you're gonna faint. It's been hours you did not eat or sleep, you just can't have hypertension.
You take a deep breath.
11:15.
What ??
Well, you worked hard during 3 months. Keep going.
Just keep going.
12:30. End of the test.
You don't know what to think, so you don't think. You just count. You count everything you can, you count all the students as far as you can see, you count how many students around you have a blue pen, and how many have a black one. Who wear boots. Who wear baskets. Everything you can. Just to forget the pressure.
Lunch break. You turn on the phone, to go see M and L. You got a salad. You eat half of it. And you hear a little voice, a voice you know well now "you did not eat well. Again ? Careful."
Shut up. I know what I'm doing. I always knew.
2:00. Anatomy test. Anatomy is MY subject. I was known at the med school to be one of the best at it.
It's my time.
Remember what you said to yourself this morning ? You're a champion.
Go.
You know EVERYTHING you read. You're proud. Your hard work was not in vain. You feel really sleepy tho. You have to concentrate really hard not to fall asleep
You finish at 2:35. The end is at 3:00. You finally can sleep. You sleep until the end.
Time for the break. You stay at your table, counting.
3:30. Biology test. You're so tired you hope you'll die right now. But you don't. Just 1h30 left. And you'll sleep.
Keep the hell going.
The test is not difficult. You've seen worse. You're writing. You feel proud, you feel like you worked for something.
5:00. End of the test.
We have to wait until 5:30, then they can count all the sheets. I'll remember this time my whole life.
I felt FREE.
Students were screaming "VACAAAAAAAAAAANCES !" ( = holidays) and we just hit on our tables, all at once. We were all screaming, we felt so RELEASED.
We did for so loooong that my hand started hurting me.
I was so happy. I was not thinking about anything else. I called this moment : pure happiness.
Because it's the satisfaction ! The satisfaction after the hard working.
I swear, happiness. So so so much happiness.
In the micro : "Bonnes vacances" (=enjoy your holidays).
You get up.
And you run as fast as you can run. You wanna breathe. You wanna breathe.
You go out, year 2 students are waiting in front of the building with their blouse. I told you.
Happiness.
Because they are hope. They are your hope. Everyone is hugging each other, some students brought alcohol and are drinking as **** - I ran away lol because I don't drink and they were putting bottles in 1st year student's mouths -
I sat somewhere, a bit far from the others. If I could, I would lay down and sleep, right now.
I'm crying.
I'm crying because for the first time in 3 months, I'm happy.
I'm happy.
Some students are staying the night to party. Outside haha, in front of the building. I don't want to stay, I wanna sleep. I'll go home. I call M and L, we go to the train station.
Oops. My travel card is not working. Whatever, I'll buy a ticket. I line up. They are a lot of people.
You know what ?
L and M left me. They're gone. They told they did noy wanna wait. I'll do 1:30 of route alone. Thanks again girls. Thanks. It does not look like a big deal, but when you're tired as **** you just wanna your friends to be close to you until you go home.
Whatever.
I waited 20min, bought my ticket. Trains problems.. Great. Luckily I just waited 25min. I could not find a place to seat. I turned my music on not to fall asleep -I was standing up, but I swear I was so sleepy I could lol- 2h to get home.
I feel weird. I can't describe. Sleepy, starving, happy, whatever you want, just know it can't be described.
HOME.
FREEDOM.
BED.
It's 9pm. You just throw yourself in bed, with all your clothes, and you fall asleep, crying.
Crying because you waited for this time so long..I slept for houuuurs. When I get up it was 2:30pm , and I stayed in bed until 6pm. I ate. And I thought about all this time I did not ate..

****. My iron pills. 2 days without taking them. Great, the doctor is gonna kill me.
I went to the doctor a few days after, to check if everything was okay with all these days of non-eating non-sleeping. My iron level was so down, that the doctor was shocked. And angry.
Because he knows it was all my fault, he knows what I did to myself.

He asked my mum to watch after me, and mum kept an eye on me -checking if I was eating etc- all holidays lol.I like to travel and I did not travel during those holidays, but I can assure you they were the best of my whole life.
I was sleepiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.
I went out a bit to see some friends I did not see since 3months, I felt free, so free.
Here and there , I heard the voice again "are you sure of what you did at the exam day?"
Shut up.
Let me live.
Please let me live for now. I could handle it til the end ! I could ! I ****ing could.
Leave me alone.Let me forget.

And I forgot. I just lived.
I finally had a life, a real one, without pressure.
3 weeks of life. It was better than I expected.
Life.
Just life.
Happiness.

Thanks for reading

Next time : going back to school for the semester 2 , waiting for the results, and results day !

Love you

Great as always Frenchie. I wanna know more about your friends M and L. 😄

Posted from TSR Mobile

Only felt that word" UNICORN"
Isn't that an expression??
haha" Nice and Cute....

You've mentioned something about starvation and I was just eating these green grapes. I recommend you eat them too (sweet&healthy)

'Also, some colours to your blog.'

x

Hi there, really interesting blog! I'm a medical student here in the UK and even though you mainly talk about your exam stress and the system being unfair, I enjoyed what you were writing about due to your dramatic writing style

I would say that there are a lot of similarities between our medical schools. I'm not the stressful type so I never really worried about the future even though the number of hours per week and content we learn is roughly the same.

The main difference though is knowing that some of you have to fail and that it is ranked rather than passing a minimum required standard. This is a very outdated and unnecessary system but it's not all cons, there are some pros. At least in theory it allows anyone who wants to be a doctor to give it a shot and doesn't rule them out early on like the UK system. Also a good thing is that it is free so even if you fail you don't lose money. And you take some exams midway through unlike the UK system where it is all on the last day.

I think the people that get hit the hardest in the French system are those who tell themselves they only want to be a doctor but aren't very academic. For example, in your first post you said that you are just as likely to take the course if you are a 10/20 student or a 20/20 student. This was extremely surprising for me because everyone in UK medical school would be in the 'très bien' category. It just seems obvious that many of you are going to find it very difficult if you have only been able to get the low grades. 10/20 sounds to me a very low grade to be considering medicine!

I guess this is what the prépas privées are aimed at: helping those who have not been able to get good grades in the past so they can give it their best shot. Finally, maybe it's a thing at all med schools due to how many students there are, but I am used to being given a number by now My number has changed over the years, but you do get this feeling that no-one knows you at all by your name and I guess you just have to put up with it.

This is just my analysis of your interesting take on the French system and your emotions through it, but I really did empathise with a lot of it so thanks for sharing!

X

You're up early 😴

Posted from TSR Mobile

No I can't sleep I did not sleep until 2:30 , and I woke up at 4 and now it's 6 and I still can't sleep

Aww you'll sleep during the day.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Hello !!
Thanks for sharing your opinion it's really interesting !!

About the grades , you're right a lot of people found it difficult as they were pretty average students. But you need to know that in France the Baccalaureate is not as important as the A-level , in here it all depends on the uni you want to go. I mean , some unis will ask you to have as good grades as possible (which is good) but other unis , as med school , don't even care about it and just ask for a 10/20.
This is really stupid , because it makes college students not to care about the baccalaureate !! And then some students who are good , just don't work enough and get average grades.

And it turns out that at uni , some of the students who get average grades are really good ! Because at college they were just too bored to really take care of studies. Do you understand ? Anyway , they are still a minority of students.

As you said , med studies in UK are hard and stressful too, just as all over the world I guess ! The big difference is that for you the selection occurs before the admission , which is great , because student who are not eligible are not "failures". That's why I think UK system is much better in my opinion ^.^

Whatever , thanks for reading about me !! Can I ask you in which year you are and how it goes ? I would like to compare to France ^.^

Thanks :3

You're welcome

I can't comprehend how there is no incentive to do well in the baccalaureate. That is ridiculous. How can they allow students who get bored and don't try their hardest to be doctors!

I'm in year 4 and it's going well at the mo. In my opinion it gets a lot more interesting as you progress through the course because the first years are just about filling you with lots and lots of info. But yeah the exams are hard, and all at the end of the year which is a downside.

How about you?

I know right !!! I wonder myself ><" it's stupid , all the french educative system is a huge joke lol.

Interesting !! Thanks for sharing
In France, in first year it's all theoritical, then in year 2 they have 8 weeks in hospital , and from year 3 to year 6 it's hospital in the morning and lessons the afternoon. After year 6 it's all at hospital.
(You need to know I'm talking about my med school, it was the best of whole France and also the only one of whole France to allow year 3 students to work at hospital in the morning - the others med school allow students to do so only from year 4)

Anyway ; as you already know I was not eligible to continue to year 2 in med, but I was eligible for dentist/pharmacist/physio/midwifery , but instead of doing one of those I dropped out 2 months ago to apply abroad ^.^

Yeah that's very similar to over here however from year 4 it's all at hospital (obviously with teaching as well usually in hospital seminar rooms) not just mornings. Also we get to stay afterwards and do nights if we want.

I'm interested to know if you considered doing dentistry or pharmacy if you were eligible?

Obviously over here we don't get that choice, you have to make the decision early and if you don't pass the exams you are not able to just switch to another course. It seems the French system benefits those who are open-minded.

Another question, why isn't nursing included in PACES? It would be funny if you wanted to be a nurse the system was similar to UK but for a doctor it is very different!

Aww I see ^-^ ! Being at hospital all day sounds a bit more interesting that being at hospital only the morning :P

Yes I thought about it , but it's definitely not my thing I'm obsessed with med lol, I wanna be a surgeon whatever happens !
Also, there are only a few places , so I could not take the place and just drop out after ; because it means an other student would have loose that place. I thought about it 2 entire days , then I decided that I had nothing to loose !

I reckon switching to an other course is great , but even with this benefit, we have around 1500 failure each year :/ and after a failure in PACES it's really difficult to change your course, as college student are primary.

No the nurse course is different ! I don't know why tho

Best of luck following your dream! If you ever have any questions, I'm more than happy to answer