Complicated situation with this guy from work whom I really like.....

I met this guy at work, lets call him J. He was really friendly with literally everyone and we got on really well. We started talking everyday and soon exchanged numbers. After a few more weeks or so, he invited me to a house party and we ended up kissing and cuddling till the morning.

We met again after that where he cooked for me and we ended up having sex. We never defined what this was and that was fine by me, I stated that we should keep it casual for the time being. On a night out, I ended up kissing another guy and I felt so bad afterwards. The next morning, I felt the need to tell him and when I did he said he was hurt but it was okay since we weren't an exclusive couple and also mentioned how he expects girls to cheat.

Soon after that I realised I wanted more from him, I wanted a relationship. When I brought this up he said he didn't. He wanted to do what he wants, when he wants and didn't want to worry about what someone else thought of it. He said that I was great etc etc but he just didn't want a relationship at all. He has struggled through them in the past and didn't want to go through the drama again. I was hurt but I took his word and moved on. We remained friends and it was kinda weird because we were never 100% friends. We would flirt here and there but nothing more. We still kept on talking everyday during and after work. I then met a guy whom I went on a date with (didnt work out in the end) and J mentioned he was jealous even though he didn't want a relationship.


We met up a couple of times and just hung out/went for dinner on our own. He kept making plans for things for him and I to do together. We used to talk a lot, sometimes quite deep conversations about personal things/careers. He mentioned how we was worried about ending up along once because he just never really wanted a relationship. I soon realised I still had feelings for him and tried really hard to force myself to not think of him that way. I started dating other guys and distance myself from him. During this time, he went on a trip with his friends and kept mentioning how much he missed me.

Nothing worked out with the other guys I dated and he never mentioned any other girls but I am sure there were a few. We were both on tinder at this point and both messaging other people.

Anyways, we decided to celebrate his birthday together where we went for dinner and drinks. We ended up kissing and having sex. It was great (as one would expect). I wasn't under any delusion that he would magically want to commit to me. In the afternoon, we decided to go for lunch with his best friend. It was all going fine until he was approached by this girl and her friends, the girl started flirting with him, right in front of me. She asked if he was single and he said yes. The group of girls basically joined us for the next couple of hours and he got her number. It was the most awkward thing ever. I couldn't believe he would do that right in front of me. I pretended I was fine with it because I didn't know how to react.

I went home and actually cried, I know how pathetic. I realised then that I had to cut him off, he obviously didn't care at all about me. We didn't talk for 4-5 days until one day where I had to ask him about something related to work. And then we talked about what happened that day and he said he realised after I left what a horrible move it was on his part and has been feeling depressed since. He said he was so used to not considering the consequences, he didn't even realise how much it must have hurt me and it was one of the worst things he has ever done. He also said he cared a lot for me and has been so sick and sad about the way he treated me that day and was going to regret what he did for a long time.

I couldn't stay angry after that conversation, I don't know why. Maybe it was because I had done worse and kissed a guy? Or maybe because I really like him. Anyways, he asked we can still be friends and I said I want to be able to sleep with him (not a relationship). He then said that he is as attached to me as I am to him but he thinks it overcomplicates things too much since I would expect too much so he wasn't sure but he didn't want to lose me.

I don't know why I am posting this. I just want advice. Am I latching on to something that has no future? I really like this guy. Is he stringing me along? Is it the classic 'he is just not that into you'? What would you do in my situation? What options do I have? Part of me just wants to be able to sleep with him whilst we are friends because currently I dont want a relationship but whats the point of wasting time if he NEVER would want a relationship. The same goes for friendship, I am worried I will still have these feelings that wont go away if I remain friends but at the same time, I don't want to lose him. And lastly, part of me thinks that maybe he will change his mind and settle down but I know that's so so dumb.

TLDR
met a guy at work
slept with him
found out he didn't want a relationship
we stayed friends and I dated other people, he was slightly jealous. We were quite close during this time
We ended up having sex one day and the next day he flirts with another girl in front of me. He felt sick and really sorry about the way he acted.
I now don't know what to do. Worth remaining friends? Fu** buddies? Should I just move on and cut contact? Last paragraph might be worth a read

Man, I dunno. It is certainly complicated and tough. It makes things especially difficult that he does actually seem to care about you, at least if he was telling the truth about feeling terrible after getting with the other lady right in front of you. If you really don't think he will ever want to settle down with you exclusively, I think you have two obvious options:

1) Try to content yourself with him as a friend who you sometimes have sex with, who is not exclusive to you.

2) Tell him that you can't stay as a FWB with him if he's going to have sex with other people, and you can't stay as just friends with him without wanting to sex him, and cut him out completely. I don't know how well this will work if you go to the same workplace, though...maybe do 1) until either you or he don't work together anymore, for whatever reason, and then do 2)?

I lay the blame for this situation on him, to be honest. If he was willing to be exclusive with you, this would be a hell of a lot simpler; if he wasn't so scared of the drama that a proper relationship might or might not bring with it, there wouldn't be all this drama! One way or another I hope eventually he realises that the trust and companionship that comes with a long-term relationship is far more valuable and more fulfilling than sex with whoever happens to come along.

He's not that into you. He couldn't be clearer, you just don't want to hear it.

Why waste your time on someone who doesn't care about you, doesn't love you, when you could be finding someone who does?

Who you can love and who loves and respects you also?

Life's too short to waste with guys who don't want to commit. Save yourself a lot of heartbreak, completely stop having sex with him.

You know in your heart of hearts this is the right course, but for some reason don't respect yourself enough to ask for more.

He won't change, but he WILL take sex from you willingly if you let him. And that will end up making you feel used, like a whore even. If it isn't doing already.

So you have feelings for him but you just want to use him for sex even though it will complicate things? I think he likes you back but isn't ready.

I had a situation at uni where my then friend (now current boyfriend) and I cuddled for weeks, kissed on his birthday then moved onto other things but not sex; it was the first time doing second/third etc for both of us but acknowledged that we had feelings for each other about a week after his birthday. He acted distant one day because of something that had happened with his ex which made him weary of getting into a relationship then. We probably asked each other where this was heading about 3-4 times and tried to stop unsuccessfully the confusion there was as neither of us were ready for commitment. That took about 2 months until we got together.

You can either choose to involve yourself in being confused or not.

Thanks for your reply!
I wouldn't mind the first option but in my mind I keep thinking whether what he is saying is complete ******** and he just doesnt want to be with me because he just isnt into me?! How can someone be so against relationships? Surely if he liked me enough he would want to be in one....





Thanks for your honesty, appreciate it! First of all, it doesn't make me feel like a whore.... I knew what I was getting myself into and that it was casual even the first time we slept together and just having sex was fine with me.

I feel that maybe you're right about him just not being into me..... And guess maybe I should just cut my losses and move on.



Thats great, glad it worked between you two!

Im just worried this guy isnt being as honest with me as I have been and whether he is just full of bs..... The thing is even though I dont want a relationship now, I know I will want one eventually but he doesnt seem to want one at all. He hasnt been in for about 3 or even more years. He has dated other girls during this time though. So whats the point? What if I stick around and this confusion doesnt resolve? It is possible for him to realise that relationships arent all that bad but part of me feels that he is just not really into me. This is hard haha but maybe I am making it harder than it needs to be.

I met this guy at work, lets call him J. He was really friendly with literally everyone and we got on really well. We started talking everyday and soon exchanged numbers. After a few more weeks or so, he invited me to a house party and we ended up kissing and cuddling till the morning.

We met again after that where he cooked for me and we ended up having sex. We never defined what this was and that was fine by me, I stated that we should keep it casual for the time being. On a night out, I ended up kissing another guy and I felt so bad afterwards. The next morning, I felt the need to tell him and when I did he said he was hurt but it was okay since we weren't an exclusive couple and also mentioned how he expects girls to cheat.

Soon after that I realised I wanted more from him, I wanted a relationship. When I brought this up he said he didn't. He wanted to do what he wants, when he wants and didn't want to worry about what someone else thought of it. He said that I was great etc etc but he just didn't want a relationship at all. He has struggled through them in the past and didn't want to go through the drama again. I was hurt but I took his word and moved on. We remained friends and it was kinda weird because we were never 100% friends. We would flirt here and there but nothing more. We still kept on talking everyday during and after work. I then met a guy whom I went on a date with (didnt work out in the end) and J mentioned he was jealous even though he didn't want a relationship.


We met up a couple of times and just hung out/went for dinner on our own. He kept making plans for things for him and I to do together. We used to talk a lot, sometimes quite deep conversations about personal things/careers. He mentioned how we was worried about ending up along once because he just never really wanted a relationship. I soon realised I still had feelings for him and tried really hard to force myself to not think of him that way. I started dating other guys and distance myself from him. During this time, he went on a trip with his friends and kept mentioning how much he missed me.

Nothing worked out with the other guys I dated and he never mentioned any other girls but I am sure there were a few. We were both on tinder at this point and both messaging other people.

Anyways, we decided to celebrate his birthday together where we went for dinner and drinks. We ended up kissing and having sex. It was great (as one would expect). I wasn't under any delusion that he would magically want to commit to me. In the afternoon, we decided to go for lunch with his best friend. It was all going fine until he was approached by this girl and her friends, the girl started flirting with him, right in front of me. She asked if he was single and he said yes. The group of girls basically joined us for the next couple of hours and he got her number. It was the most awkward thing ever. I couldn't believe he would do that right in front of me. I pretended I was fine with it because I didn't know how to react.

I went home and actually cried, I know how pathetic. I realised then that I had to cut him off, he obviously didn't care at all about me. We didn't talk for 4-5 days until one day where I had to ask him about something related to work. And then we talked about what happened that day and he said he realised after I left what a horrible move it was on his part and has been feeling depressed since. He said he was so used to not considering the consequences, he didn't even realise how much it must have hurt me and it was one of the worst things he has ever done. He also said he cared a lot for me and has been so sick and sad about the way he treated me that day and was going to regret what he did for a long time.

I couldn't stay angry after that conversation, I don't know why. Maybe it was because I had done worse and kissed a guy? Or maybe because I really like him. Anyways, he asked we can still be friends and I said I want to be able to sleep with him (not a relationship). He then said that he is as attached to me as I am to him but he thinks it overcomplicates things too much since I would expect too much so he wasn't sure but he didn't want to lose me.

I don't know why I am posting this. I just want advice. Am I latching on to something that has no future? I really like this guy. Is he stringing me along? Is it the classic 'he is just not that into you'? What would you do in my situation? What options do I have? Part of me just wants to be able to sleep with him whilst we are friends because currently I dont want a relationship but whats the point of wasting time if he NEVER would want a relationship. The same goes for friendship, I am worried I will still have these feelings that wont go away if I remain friends but at the same time, I don't want to lose him. And lastly, part of me thinks that maybe he will change his mind and settle down but I know that's so so dumb.

TLDR
met a guy at work
slept with him
found out he didn't want a relationship
we stayed friends and I dated other people, he was slightly jealous. We were quite close during this time
We ended up having sex one day and the next day he flirts with another girl in front of me. He felt sick and really sorry about the way he acted.
I now don't know what to do. Worth remaining friends? Fu** buddies? Should I just move on and cut contact? Last paragraph might be worth a read

I met this guy at work, lets call him J. He was really friendly with literally everyone and we got on really well. We started talking everyday and soon exchanged numbers. After a few more weeks or so, he invited me to a house party and we ended up kissing and cuddling till the morning.

We met again after that where he cooked for me and we ended up having sex. We never defined what this was and that was fine by me, I stated that we should keep it casual for the time being. On a night out, I ended up kissing another guy and I felt so bad afterwards. The next morning, I felt the need to tell him and when I did he said he was hurt but it was okay since we weren't an exclusive couple and also mentioned how he expects girls to cheat.

Soon after that I realised I wanted more from him, I wanted a relationship. When I brought this up he said he didn't. He wanted to do what he wants, when he wants and didn't want to worry about what someone else thought of it. He said that I was great etc etc but he just didn't want a relationship at all. He has struggled through them in the past and didn't want to go through the drama again. I was hurt but I took his word and moved on. We remained friends and it was kinda weird because we were never 100% friends. We would flirt here and there but nothing more. We still kept on talking everyday during and after work. I then met a guy whom I went on a date with (didnt work out in the end) and J mentioned he was jealous even though he didn't want a relationship.


We met up a couple of times and just hung out/went for dinner on our own. He kept making plans for things for him and I to do together. We used to talk a lot, sometimes quite deep conversations about personal things/careers. He mentioned how we was worried about ending up along once because he just never really wanted a relationship. I soon realised I still had feelings for him and tried really hard to force myself to not think of him that way. I started dating other guys and distance myself from him. During this time, he went on a trip with his friends and kept mentioning how much he missed me.

Nothing worked out with the other guys I dated and he never mentioned any other girls but I am sure there were a few. We were both on tinder at this point and both messaging other people.

Anyways, we decided to celebrate his birthday together where we went for dinner and drinks. We ended up kissing and having sex. It was great (as one would expect). I wasn't under any delusion that he would magically want to commit to me. In the afternoon, we decided to go for lunch with his best friend. It was all going fine until he was approached by this girl and her friends, the girl started flirting with him, right in front of me. She asked if he was single and he said yes. The group of girls basically joined us for the next couple of hours and he got her number. It was the most awkward thing ever. I couldn't believe he would do that right in front of me. I pretended I was fine with it because I didn't know how to react.

I went home and actually cried, I know how pathetic. I realised then that I had to cut him off, he obviously didn't care at all about me. We didn't talk for 4-5 days until one day where I had to ask him about something related to work. And then we talked about what happened that day and he said he realised after I left what a horrible move it was on his part and has been feeling depressed since. He said he was so used to not considering the consequences, he didn't even realise how much it must have hurt me and it was one of the worst things he has ever done. He also said he cared a lot for me and has been so sick and sad about the way he treated me that day and was going to regret what he did for a long time.

I couldn't stay angry after that conversation, I don't know why. Maybe it was because I had done worse and kissed a guy? Or maybe because I really like him. Anyways, he asked we can still be friends and I said I want to be able to sleep with him (not a relationship). He then said that he is as attached to me as I am to him but he thinks it overcomplicates things too much since I would expect too much so he wasn't sure but he didn't want to lose me.

I don't know why I am posting this. I just want advice. Am I latching on to something that has no future? I really like this guy. Is he stringing me along? Is it the classic 'he is just not that into you'? What would you do in my situation? What options do I have? Part of me just wants to be able to sleep with him whilst we are friends because currently I dont want a relationship but whats the point of wasting time if he NEVER would want a relationship. The same goes for friendship, I am worried I will still have these feelings that wont go away if I remain friends but at the same time, I don't want to lose him. And lastly, part of me thinks that maybe he will change his mind and settle down but I know that's so so dumb.

TLDR
met a guy at work
slept with him
found out he didn't want a relationship
we stayed friends and I dated other people, he was slightly jealous. We were quite close during this time
We ended up having sex one day and the next day he flirts with another girl in front of me. He felt sick and really sorry about the way he acted.
I now don't know what to do. Worth remaining friends? Fu** buddies? Should I just move on and cut contact? Last paragraph might be worth a read