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CRIPPLING jealousy of my girlfriend's past - it's ruining our relationship. Help!

This is going to be a bit of a short story but please read if you have the time!I’m in a really horrible situation and indesperate need of any kind of advice/help/consolation.
I started going out with this girl and lostmy virginity to her at university when I was 19 and she was 18. I thought shewas one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen and she was so cool andperfect and I was so, so happy to actually have lost my virginity to someone Ireally liked, as opposed to most of my old school friends who had their firsttime in club toilets with strangers or in the wardrobe of some house party. So, initially our relationship felt reallyspecial to me, and then we started to find out more about each other’s past.She told me she’d had sex with 7 guys before me – 4 one night stands, 1 “friendwith benefits”, and 2 boyfriends (one of whom she cheated on), and all in thespace of about 2 years.
This was shocking to me. The furthest I’dgone before her was fingering a girl at a festival for a few seconds and eventhat I regretted for the whole rest of the summer. I could have never broughtmyself to have a one-night stand, and I couldn’t understand why or how shecould. I felt like I was waiting my whole life for her, that she was the rightone, but that she didn’t care at all. She’d also done pretty much everythingsexual before, including anal, and after me pressuring her about it, she admittedthat 2 of the guys had bigger **** than me.
This hurt me really badly at the time. Iwas distraught. But I stuck with her because I’d fallen in love and I thought thesefeelings would eventually fade with time.
Now we’ve been together for just over ayear and they’ve only gotten worse the more serious our relationship hasbecome. I feel sick, depressed and angry most of the time, especially whenwe’re apart. Sometimes I feel genuinely disgusted by her, and when she’s talkingto my parents sometimes I wonder what they would think of her if they knew thetruth; everyone thinks she’s so nice and innocent. A couple of times as wellwhen I’ve gotten angry with her I’ve called her a “slut” to her face and reallyfelt like hurting her as much as I could. This is not me. I’m normally a happyand energetic person. I don’t ever let myself get so pre-occupied with someoneelse’s life, I don’t even have any social media accounts.
One of the things that makes it worse isthat I know one of the guys she’s had a one-night stand with, and he’s one ofthose idiots that prides himself on how many girls he’s banged. I see him atpretty much every club/party I go to, and he’ll usually be getting off with adifferent girl each time. I can’t believe she let herself get used like that. Ican’t believe she didn’t have any more self-respect. She told me she didn’teven enjoy it and with him was her worst time. It also doesn’t help that she cheatedon her last boyfriend. I’m fairly confident she won’t do the same to me, but Ifeel like I can never be sure. The other day she mentioned marriage, andasked me whether I would ask her to marry me after university. It took thejealousy almost to a new level because then it dawned on me that I could beliving with it for the rest of my life. I truly love this girl but it feels sounfair that I would only have sex with her while she’s already had her fun.Whatever she says I know those experiences must have been really exciting forher, even with the douche-y guy, otherwise she wouldn’t have done it again andagain. I feel like her experiences have struck a wedge between us, and I feellike I can’t devote myself to her the way I would want to.
I’ve nearly cheated on her a few times.Since we’ve been going out I haven’t actively seeked it but other girls haveshown an interest in me. I unexpectedly got talking to a girl I had a crush onfrom before I met my gf, and it was going really well. She asked me to come toher house one night and I got so nervous and anxious about it that I didn’t go andhaven’t spoken to her since. Another time I started kissing another girl I metat a club and when she asked me to come to hers after the same thing happened.I’m really, really, really considering cheating on my gf and getting even withher, but I’m not sure if it’s physically possible. Would this be the answer? Should I cheat onher just to see what it feels like? Should I suggest a ‘break’ perhaps before Ido anything so it’s not technically cheating? Should I just break up with heraltogether and move on? I have my own experiences now, me and thisgirl have done pretty much everything under the sun, I can move on and have funin new relationships without constantly feeling inadequate and like I missed outon a big part of my life. For some reason I feel particularly insecure aroundher family as well, I feel like if they found out she was my first they wouldask me why I didn’t lose my virginity earlier and judge me for it and Iwouldn’t know what to say. I mean, what kind of weirdo waits until they’re 19?
I’m sorry for the story, and I’m not lookingfor any particular ‘answers’. I just want any feedback, advice or reassuranceor any kind of help I can get short of seeing a therapist because this has beenEXTREMELY difficult for me. And I’vebeen talking about my own feelings the whole time but I know it’s beendifficult for her too. And I know I’ve hurt her in the process, bothunintentionally and intentionally.

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My reaction was.

If you love someone then you accept them for who they are warts and all. So she has a past, but she confided it in you. Its not that big a deal tbh, unless im missing something about culture.?

She hasnt lied to you yet you feel angry because she doesnt have a perfect past. its an illogical anger. If you let it carry on it will split you and you will end up hurting someone you keep claiming you love. From what you wrote she doesnt appear to have given you any cause for concern? Its all in your head.

Your thought patterns since i find disturbing as well as very immature and naive. You have a great girl yet you cant be happy. Its not just that, its more than unhappiness, it really comes across as consuming and just waiting to get out of control. You seem to be projecting a lot of your insecurities onto her.
Dont be silly and do anything stupid like cheating because that will split you. getting your own back is childish.
You won't like it, but go and see your GP and get him to send you to a therapist for help. You might get some CBT.which could help you rethink how you approach matters. If you dont do something to get help then its going to catch you out, I did think you might talk to her, but i don think you could guarantee the anger wouldnt come out and make things worse.

Everyone comes with a past. Accept who she is and stop trying to make her into something else then getting annoyed because she isnt.
If you love her you will try and sort yourself out.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/1wWTZ46MG4DJk83r8D8n2yQ/jealousy
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/emotionalhealth/Pages/Overcomingjealousy.aspx
Everyone has a past. (For some people, yours would be shockingly high: you're not married and you're not a virgin!?!)

In the present, she (currently) wants to be with you. If you don't get over the fact that she has a past, including knowing some men with larger penises, then you do not have a future together.

If that's the case, you'd be advised to tell any future partners to lie to you - something along the lines of 'Before you? Only one, a drunken disaster and he had a tiny willy' should do.
My other thought is that the basic problem is that you're jealous: of her for having more partners over more years and of two of them for having bigger penises.

In reverse order, neither of them can have been that great or she'd still be with them.

And 'you've done a lot: teach me' is a lot better response than 'OMG YOU SLUT - you've had almost as many partners as I'd like to have had...'
Reply 4
Avatar for Virgili
Virgili
2
You sound way worse than her and probably any of the other guys she's slept with, i'm fairly confident she will cheat on you given her history and I wouldn't be surprised or sympathetic to you if she did.
7 in 2 years might be a little higher than average, but I wouldn't say it's worthy of the reaction you're giving it, unless you've got some weird views about women needing to be "pure". Most one night stands aren't the girl getting 'used' as you put it - by the sounds of it she doesn't mind them, if she's had four. If there's a guy and a girl and they both want sex, so long as it's safe and consensual and there's no cheating going on, who cares? She obviously prefers you over them anyway, if she's been with you a year (which by the sounds of it is longer than her other bfs). The only thing in her past I'd be a bit wary of is the fact that she's previously cheated, since that isn't really the mark of a good bf/gf.

And no, the answer to any of this is not to cheat. That would make you just as bad as how you apparently see her, if not worse. You're jealous that she's had more partners than you? Really? If you can't get over this idea that girls and women can have happy and healthy sex lives and fix this Madonna-whore complex you seem to have, I'd suggest dumping her. It's probably in both your best interests.
Wonder if the OP has himself booked in at the GP yet? be amazed if he cares enough about her to sort himself out.
OP, these feelings are more common than you think, I've had it bad before as well. Almost exactly the same actually, and it doesn't really get any better.. It's easy for others to comment who haven't felt like this but it's something that doesn't go despite trying to be rational.
You need a reality check. You do not own her now and you do not own her past. What she did with those other guys is what made her into the woman you love, yet you have considered punishing her by cheating on her. It is natural to be jealous of what happened but it's in the past so get over it and be grateful that this wonderful young woman loves you. She chose you, not them.

You repeatedly asked her about the size of her previous partners' penises because - deep down - you knew that a couple of theirs would be bigger than yours and you wanted to be offended. Would you rather she lied to you and said you are hung like a stallion? You are feeding off the jealousy rather than coping and you wanted to hear it because it meant you could be more enraged.

Calling her a slut is silly: if she was once a slut in your mind then why do you go out with her now? She is not a slut: she is your girlfriend, but if you carry on like this she will see sense and leave you so that you can fulfill your prophecy.
Honestly, you sound immature and pathetic. Getting jealous of little things is fine, sometimes I get jealous of girls that my boyfriend used to like because I know they're prettier, but if he wanted them...he'd be with them. But your jealousy is way over the top and highly irrational.

If you truly love this girl, you need to get counselling for this or you will break up. It's not fair on her to be treated like this, saying you almost cheat on her because you are jealous she's got more experience than you. Especially calling her a slut and thinking she needs more self worth. Self worth does not come from how many guys or girls you've slept with. It's very obvious you're asking questions to hurt yourself and make it feel like your anger and jealousy is justified- so what if they had bigger penises? Mature guys and girls realise a relationship is more than sex, something you seem to be failing to grasp.

Either get counselling and work on this to save your relationship and be happy with her, or break up and have your "fun" you're so obsessed with.
Original post by Anonymous
Honestly, you sound immature and pathetic.


Like many guys, maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable with a slut? Nothing pathetic about that. If she had self-worth she would have kept her legs closed until in a decent relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
Like many guys, maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable with a slut? Nothing pathetic about that. If she had self-worth she would have kept her legs closed until in a decent relationship.


She can sleep with as many people as she wants and still have self worth, because her self worth is not based off what others- like yourself- think of her, but what she thinks of herself.

Also, if he doesn't like it, why be with her? I wasn't saying his misguided opinions about her self worth were pathetic, just the fact that he's still with her when he obviously can't get over the fact she's slept with more people than he has.
Original post by Anonymous
Like many guys, maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable with a slut? Nothing pathetic about that. If she had self-worth she would have kept her legs closed until in a decent relationship.


As well as what anon4 said, a bit part of the problem is the double standards and hypocrisy: he wants to have had more partners than she's had.
I have this problem. I don't like the idea of other dudes having done stuff with the girl I love. It's just gross to me (even though I know it's ridiculous) and it's a jealous/protective thing.

I have to remind myself that I'm in no position to judge or think anything because I've been around the block myself and got some pretty crazy stories I'd absolutely hate to hear. I guess you're not quite in that boat, so it's kinda hard to utilise that. You just gotta change the way you think and view things from other perspectives I think though. After enough time you'll get over it man, I'd start by taking her off that pedestal honestly.
at first you seemed like a really nice guy. But I saw the way you changed by the end. Is you jealousy that much serious for you to go and cheat on her? she may have cheated on her last bf. But maybe she's serious with you. Maybe she wants to forget her past and lead her life with you. ( Maybe that's why she told you about her history with relationships , hoping that you'll understand ) Maybe she regrets her past but told you about it becuz she wants you to know all about yourself.
Besides just becuz she cheated on her last bf doesn't mean that you have to cheat on her too. Even if she cheats on you, don't go and be with other girls just to be even with her. Dont change who you really are just to teach someone a lesson. You seemed like a really nice guy. Don't ever think of changing the way you are. If you feel disgusted or feel like you are judged on around her just break up with her. ( sorry if that sounds mean but that seems like a good idea than being with someone who disgusts you)
If you are gong to continue your relationship you should confess about you cheating stories. At first she'll get angry and break up with you.(who wouldn't? Any girl would do that) But if she really loves you she will wait for you( she won't date or sleep with someone else) You just have to wait and see. Hope this helped.
BTW this is my first time ansering a Q on this site. Plz tell me if this helped.
Oh god, I'm sorry but guys like you really wind me up.

You shouldn't care about your girlfriends past because now she is with you. She trusted you enough to tell you about her past and you're judging her for it? You say you love her but she disgusts you because she enjoyed herself and had sex? Just because you have different view points on sex doesn't mean yours in right and hers is wrong?

Also, you've kissed another girl at a club, that is cheating! You've let your own insecurities make you a cheater and you can't take that back.
What happened in her past, has happened and can't be changed. People are allowed to have sex casually and shouldn't be punished for it - who are you to punish people for that?

It sounds like you have some issues with yourself rather than her past sex life.
She's been truthful with you and instead of accepting it (you asked for it) you throw it back in her face. Who does that?

There's a big difference between having sex within a relationship and having a one-night-stand. Have you considered that maybe she didn't want to be in a relationship at that time, but just wanted to chill and have no-strings-attached fun with the same person? It is allowed!

That fact that you're considering cheating to feel 'even' with her, or to have a 'break' is awful. If that's how you feel maybe you need to just be alone to deal with your issues and stop mentally subjecting her to this abuse.

you're not her keeper. She's allowed a past and it doesn't matter how much you hate it - it's happened and she can't change it. Move on, she clearly has.

Ask yourself why this number is such a big deal to you? Or why her having more experiences annoys you so much?
Presumably she's dumped the OP by now.
Reply 18
Avatar for legae
legae
If this is such a big deal to you and you can't seem to get over it even after a year then maybe the best solution is to end the relationship.
(edited 7 years ago)
Reply 19
Avatar for Zarek
Zarek
21
Ease up, reform your Victorian morals, or you are a busted flush in this relationship.

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