What type of "friend-zone" is this?

Cutting through the intro, I'm a male university student, and I've been getting close to this girl I know for a few months. We've both admitted that we have feelings for each other, and we have been sexually intimate. The exam season, and our proximity to summer break has taken its toll on things, and we've just talked it out, and she says that it's best for her if we don't get into a relationship now.

Typical "friend-zone" status, right? Hold on. There is more.

She told me that she wants to wants to be friends for longer than what we first thought, and that though she does have feelings for me, she thinks that getting into a relationship now is a bad idea since I would just end up getting hurt. She said that she wants us to be together because we both want it, but right now that isn't how things are. She also told me that, as a partner, I'm pretty much everything that she looks for, and that she essentially really trusts me with her emotions, despite how she felt guarded after her last break-up (was a bit messy). I'd also confided in her about some rather troublesome stuff that I have myself, and she said that she is there for me, and that I don't have to bottle things up anymore.

Bottom line: I've basically fallen in love with her, and though I have not said the words to her, I basically gave her a monologue about how I felt, and said that there is a much shorter way of saying what I did.

I still want to be friends with her - I really do. And I am prepared to wait for her, at least until the autumn term. However, I don't want to waste my time pining over someone who genuinely has just let me down gently.

Does this sound like something which could go somewhere, or is this just run-of-the-mill, thanks-but-no-thanks, friend-zoning? I've never been in a relationship before, so I guess I'm seeking the advice of people who are more experienced in these matters.

Thanks.

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

username1623349

If she's trying to let you down gently, that was the wrong way of going about it. The fact that she's saying she likes you but being in a relationship with you "would end up hurting you" and she wants to be friends for "longer than originally thought" makes me think she's stringing you along and doesn't really intend on having a relationship.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by georgiaswift

I just re-read her messages: "I think it's best for me if we just stay friends for longer than what we anticipated before. I did have feelings for you but I think it's best if we should stay friends. I don't want us to be together because I don't want to hurt your feelings, I want us to be together because we want to, and that's just not how it is." An excerpt.

I think I'm now looking at this slightly differently :curious:

. No less than a fortnight ago it was "does", and we've barely seen each other since then. I might be putting way too much on that use of the past tense, but the juxtaposition between that and everything else she said about wanting us to keep spending time together, how I'm everything she looks for in a partner, and the professed temporal nature of our friendship just has me confused.

Why would someone say such things to someone they have no intention of being with? I have literally no idea.

Reply 3

chikane

Original post by Anonymous

She changed her mind she said she 'did' have feelings which isn't there now. I think she probably wanted to give it ago before but probably thought being friends is the right decision now.

Also i think her saying you are everything she looks for in a partner is to make you feel good after hurting your feelings it is something i would say to a guy who liked me and i didn't 'you are lovely and have a nice personality but i'm not looking for a relationship'.

I think you should meet other women and gradually distance yourself from this girl don't ignore her but don't be there for her as much as before or your feelings won't go away.

Reply 4

Zarek

The good news is that it isn't friendzoning, since you've had sexual intimacy. The bad news is you're not on the same page relationship wise. You're too serious for her. All you can do is back of and see what happens

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by Zarek

Yeah. I'm thinking of just getting over this over the summer, having some contact but nothing too much, and then seeing how things go at the start of second year, once we've both had time to look at things fresh.

Reply 6

brainhuman

Sounds like she wants to bang someone else and she will, so she is saying that right now she doesn't want to be with you coz she would cheat on you.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by brainhuman

Forgot the anon?

****.

She isn't on TSR anyway, haha.

Reply 8

brainhuman

Original post by Anonymous

****.

She isn't on TSR anyway, haha.

Deleted my post :P

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

I'm literally going to ask her before the end of term "Would you prefer that I just got over you? Do you genuinely see this never going anywhere?". I'm not waiting in limbo all summer.

(edited 4 years ago)

Reply 10

Someboady

This is hilarious. I lack empathy because its just so funny when its not happening to me lmaooooo
jk ive never been rejected or friend zoned :smile:

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by Someboady

This is hilarious. I lack empathy because its just so funny when its not happening to me lmaooooo
jk ive never been rejected or friend zoned :smile:

This is actually hilarious, I mean, your reply is. It's so funny that you think that I give a single solitary sh!t about what you think :h:

Reply 12

frozen_fire

You need to be straight up with this girl. I wouldn't let her string you along with the 'it's better to be friends for now' rhetoric cos to me she's using ambiguity to reject you indirectly. You have to ask yourself why is she only interested in friendship now AFTER you've been sexually intimate.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Original post by frozen_fire

In all honesty, it wasn't like she was all for it before we'd been sexual with each other, and then thought "Ewww. No.". Her friends had told me that she had apprehension about starting something when exams and summer break was so close, but I guess the feelings have gone as well now. At least they have for her it seems.

"If I was to look into your eyes, right now, and say to you: '*her name*, I love you.', would you feel anything for me at all, or can I let myself get over you this summer, and move on?"

This is the question. I have given its content some considerable thought. I wouldn't ask it during the exam period because that would just be selfish, but I will close to the end of the term.

Reply 14

frozen_fire

Original post by Anonymous

I think approaching her soon as exams are over is fine but you need to tone down the language cos it comes across as a bit full on/cringe. Better to say 'I'm into you and would like to take you out' and if she's still apprehensive then let her know you aren't willing to be kept in limbo. The most important thing is that she's direct with you in return. Otherwise you won't be able to move on either way.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Original post by frozen_fire

Yeah, you may have a point there. I'll tone down the language.

"I remember what we talked about, but I still have feelings for you and I can't be kept in limbo all summer. Do you feel anything for me at all, or can I just let myself get over you now?"

That is better.

Reply 16

frozen_fire

Original post by Anonymous

Yep that's perfect

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 17

asif007

Man, I would be really ****** off if a girl said that to me. She is stringing you along, playing with your emotions and basically just being a stuck-up *****. If she's openly admitted to you that she reciprocates your feelings, she's just looking for excuses not to start a relationship with you. You say you're sexually compatible too, which makes me think she's just manipulating you. Sorry to say it but you're so far into the friend-zone that she has convinced herself not to go out with you. Cut her loose and tell the ***** to get lost, otherwise you will get hurt. Not because of being in a relationship with her, but because she would be so frustrating to get along with.

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

Original post by asif007

I spoke to my friends who are on the same course as her, and they told me that the last week (the week in which things went badly between us) was THE most stressful week that they have in their entire course. Everyone was pulling all-nighters. Coupled with the fact that things were fine between us before the exam season started, I'm thinking that this may be stress-related.

They basically said to me "If she wasn't into you at all she wouldn't have waited 2 months to say anything, and definitely wouldn't have been sexual with you only a couple of weeks back". I'm going with it being mainly down to exam stress, but I'm staying on course with the whole "question" thing after the exam season.