A worrying issue with my University society
Hi Everyone,
I have an issue currently on going with my university society, which may seem quite trivial, however has caused me a lot of worry over the past few weeks, and I was hoping I could get some opinions on it.
I'm a fully paid up member of one of Manchester University's societies and have been fora few years now. All the societies are run by the students union. I have an issue where an abusive ex-partner, who is not a member of the society, or the students, or studying or affiliated with the university in any way, is wanting to come on an official society weekend trip.
After the abuse happened a few years ago, I sought professional advice and cut them out of my life entirely, blocking their regular emails and texts and all other forms of communication I could come up with. I did everything possible to never be anywhere they were likely to be, but they would find out where I would be, cinema, weekends away, even my birthday and turn up, knowingly uninvited. This has not happened fora few years, however I am very worried this is the start of another bout of it again. Obviously I would not be able to go on this trip,were my ex-partner present.
I have brought up my concerns with the committee of the society a number of times through facebook, email and in person. I have sent then evidence in the form of chat logs and emails, and talked through what happened, which I had hoped never to have to go over again.
The comittee have told me in no uncertain terms that they are unwilling to even ask my ex-partner not to go, let alone tell them. As they are not a member of the society I cannot see either logic or equity in this. The society's constitution has the following lines about members:
3.3 All members will be treated equally and fairly.
3.4 All members will be eligible to go on club trips or take part in club activities.
It seems to me that both of these sections are being broken by giving preference to a non-member, especially with the demonstrable issues they have caused in the past. No part of the constitution mentions non-members rights at all. The only explanation I have had from the committee is that they want to treat us both 'equally', however this is part of the problem, as they are not treating us both 'fairly'.
I had asked them to seek confirmation from the students union about this, as I was sure they would advise differently. I have just had an email back from the committee to say the SU has agreed with their decision. I only have the word of the committee on this, and the email does not say what was said, or ask me to provide details to the SU. It feels more like a brush off.
Apologies for the wall of text, however I thought it best to be thorough and accurate.
Does anyone think I have a case to go to the students union, or the university about this, ideally to try to get the result reversed, or else just to make an official complaint? I was thinking I could email the SU with full details in case I was mis-represented to them by the committee, but I would be worried about them brushing this off again to save them time and effort. Would it be worth CCing into the email any other people at the university? Is there anywhere else you can think that I can take this? Is it just a case that the committee can do what they want, even if it goes against the constitution?
Any advice is much appreciated.
I have an issue currently on going with my university society, which may seem quite trivial, however has caused me a lot of worry over the past few weeks, and I was hoping I could get some opinions on it.
I'm a fully paid up member of one of Manchester University's societies and have been fora few years now. All the societies are run by the students union. I have an issue where an abusive ex-partner, who is not a member of the society, or the students, or studying or affiliated with the university in any way, is wanting to come on an official society weekend trip.
After the abuse happened a few years ago, I sought professional advice and cut them out of my life entirely, blocking their regular emails and texts and all other forms of communication I could come up with. I did everything possible to never be anywhere they were likely to be, but they would find out where I would be, cinema, weekends away, even my birthday and turn up, knowingly uninvited. This has not happened fora few years, however I am very worried this is the start of another bout of it again. Obviously I would not be able to go on this trip,were my ex-partner present.
I have brought up my concerns with the committee of the society a number of times through facebook, email and in person. I have sent then evidence in the form of chat logs and emails, and talked through what happened, which I had hoped never to have to go over again.
The comittee have told me in no uncertain terms that they are unwilling to even ask my ex-partner not to go, let alone tell them. As they are not a member of the society I cannot see either logic or equity in this. The society's constitution has the following lines about members:
3.3 All members will be treated equally and fairly.
3.4 All members will be eligible to go on club trips or take part in club activities.
It seems to me that both of these sections are being broken by giving preference to a non-member, especially with the demonstrable issues they have caused in the past. No part of the constitution mentions non-members rights at all. The only explanation I have had from the committee is that they want to treat us both 'equally', however this is part of the problem, as they are not treating us both 'fairly'.
I had asked them to seek confirmation from the students union about this, as I was sure they would advise differently. I have just had an email back from the committee to say the SU has agreed with their decision. I only have the word of the committee on this, and the email does not say what was said, or ask me to provide details to the SU. It feels more like a brush off.
Apologies for the wall of text, however I thought it best to be thorough and accurate.
Does anyone think I have a case to go to the students union, or the university about this, ideally to try to get the result reversed, or else just to make an official complaint? I was thinking I could email the SU with full details in case I was mis-represented to them by the committee, but I would be worried about them brushing this off again to save them time and effort. Would it be worth CCing into the email any other people at the university? Is there anywhere else you can think that I can take this? Is it just a case that the committee can do what they want, even if it goes against the constitution?
Any advice is much appreciated.
> they would find out where I would be, cinema, weekends away, even my birthday and turn up, knowingly uninvited.
How? Who do they speak too? Have you checked who has logged into your online accounts? Have you checked your phone and computer for trojans?
If you're being stalked you can probably take legal action.
How? Who do they speak too? Have you checked who has logged into your online accounts? Have you checked your phone and computer for trojans?
If you're being stalked you can probably take legal action.
I definitely think you have a case, if he isn't a member at all, is this not harassment if he keept finding you previously and he is suddenly attempting to be on a trip with you he has no part in? The committee should realise that there is a problem.
Honestly I say go to the police if you're scared for your own safety near this man.
I hope you're okay you can PM me if you want.
Honestly I say go to the police if you're scared for your own safety near this man.
I hope you're okay you can PM me if you want.
Original post by Ether13
Any advice is much appreciated.
Any advice is much appreciated.
This isn't advice, but to what extent is the society a smokescreen and what you are doing here is attempting to control a friendship group of which both you and your ex-partner were once part?
The thing that is missing from your account is how this group of people who happen to form the nucleus of a university society have any engagement with someone who was your ex-partner from some years ago?
Original post by harinimnida
...he...he..he...he...he... go to the police if you're scared for your own safety near this man.
I loosely suppose it is a woman, and the OP was very careful about using gender neutral pronouns throughout.
This is not the universities problem nor the SU/societies problem. You are at uni. You are an adult. You should deal with your problems in an adult way.
If your ex is abusing you on campus/in uni time, then you can complain to the uni. If you suspect they are stalking you, you need to go to the police.
The fact that you have tried to get the society to ban them rather than go directly to the police suggests that you don't really have any evidence or grounds for these accusations. If you were truly concerned/serious then you would have gone to the police first.
From the sounds of it, you are just trying to block this person from continuing to socialise with overlapping friendship groups, and that is very sad/pathetic. You've not once said they have attempted to speak to you or abuse you in these situations, you claim their presence is enough of an assault. I assure you it is not.
Edit:
Can't say I'm surprised everyone assumes the harassment is coming from a man.
If your ex is abusing you on campus/in uni time, then you can complain to the uni. If you suspect they are stalking you, you need to go to the police.
The fact that you have tried to get the society to ban them rather than go directly to the police suggests that you don't really have any evidence or grounds for these accusations. If you were truly concerned/serious then you would have gone to the police first.
From the sounds of it, you are just trying to block this person from continuing to socialise with overlapping friendship groups, and that is very sad/pathetic. You've not once said they have attempted to speak to you or abuse you in these situations, you claim their presence is enough of an assault. I assure you it is not.
Edit:
Can't say I'm surprised everyone assumes the harassment is coming from a man.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Ether13
Hi Everyone,I have an issue currently on going with my university society, which may seem quite trivial, however has caused me a lot of worry over the past few weeks, and I was hoping I could get some opinions on it.I'm a fully paid up member of one of Manchester University's societies and have been fora few years now. All the societies are run by the students union. I have an issue where an abusive ex-partner, who is not a member of the society, or the students, or studying or affiliated with the university in any way, is wanting to come on an official society weekend trip.After the abuse happened a few years ago, I sought professional advice and cut them out of my life entirely, blocking their regular emails and texts and all other forms of communication I could come up with. I did everything possible to never be anywhere they were likely to be, but they would find out where I would be, cinema, weekends away, even my birthday and turn up, knowingly uninvited. This has not happened fora few years, however I am very worried this is the start of another bout of it again. Obviously I would not be able to go on this trip,were my ex-partner present.I have brought up my concerns with the committee of the society a number of times through facebook, email and in person. I have sent then evidence in the form of chat logs and emails, and talked through what happened, which I had hoped never to have to go over again.The comittee have told me in no uncertain terms that they are unwilling to even ask my ex-partner not to go, let alone tell them. As they are not a member of the society I cannot see either logic or equity in this. The society's constitution has the following lines about members:3.3 All members will be treated equally and fairly.3.4 All members will be eligible to go on club trips or take part in club activities.It seems to me that both of these sections are being broken by giving preference to a non-member, especially with the demonstrable issues they have caused in the past. No part of the constitution mentions non-members rights at all. The only explanation I have had from the committee is that they want to treat us both 'equally', however this is part of the problem, as they are not treating us both 'fairly'.I had asked them to seek confirmation from the students union about this, as I was sure they would advise differently. I have just had an email back from the committee to say the SU has agreed with their decision. I only have the word of the committee on this, and the email does not say what was said, or ask me to provide details to the SU. It feels more like a brush off.Apologies for the wall of text, however I thought it best to be thorough and accurate.Does anyone think I have a case to go to the students union, or the university about this, ideally to try to get the result reversed, or else just to make an official complaint? I was thinking I could email the SU with full details in case I was mis-represented to them by the committee, but I would be worried about them brushing this off again to save them time and effort. Would it be worth CCing into the email any other people at the university? Is there anywhere else you can think that I can take this? Is it just a case that the committee can do what they want, even if it goes against the constitution?Any advice is much appreciated.
Do you think your ex-partner knows you go to that society and that is why they want to come along? If so, that would be stalking and harassment (especially if there is past conduct of a similar nature you can prove) and you can get the police involved.
However, that's often a hard step to take, I realise. It does sound correct that the SU should back you up if you have explained the situation carefully and properly. I would suggest trying to get a meeting with one of the senior officers of the Union to discuss it. If this feels intimidating, take a friend along.
Have you been in touch with the SU Wellbeing & Advice service? This is advertised as the correct place to go with this type of issue.
http://manchesterstudentsunion.com/top-navigation/advice-service/wellbeing-advice
I think if you are worried about your safety, I would suggest in the meantime dropping out of the trip (this will feel like giving in or unjust, which it is, but it would also thwart the 'mission' your ex- seems to be on) but writing a letter to the Soc committee and the SU explaining why you have had to. If as we suspect you are female and he is male, then this kind of thing I'm afraid happens a great deal and is often not dealt with well in colleges. The only thing we can do generally is to kick up a fuss and try and get them to follow the rules they advertise, which as you say, they appear not to be doing.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Ether13
Hi Everyone,
I have an issue currently on going with my university society, which may seem quite trivial, however has caused me a lot of worry over the past few weeks, and I was hoping I could get some opinions on it.
I'm a fully paid up member of one of Manchester University's societies and have been fora few years now. All the societies are run by the students union. I have an issue where an abusive ex-partner, who is not a member of the society, or the students, or studying or affiliated with the university in any way, is wanting to come on an official society weekend trip.
After the abuse happened a few years ago, I sought professional advice and cut them out of my life entirely, blocking their regular emails and texts and all other forms of communication I could come up with. I did everything possible to never be anywhere they were likely to be, but they would find out where I would be, cinema, weekends away, even my birthday and turn up, knowingly uninvited. This has not happened fora few years, however I am very worried this is the start of another bout of it again. Obviously I would not be able to go on this trip,were my ex-partner present.
I have brought up my concerns with the committee of the society a number of times through facebook, email and in person. I have sent then evidence in the form of chat logs and emails, and talked through what happened, which I had hoped never to have to go over again.
The comittee have told me in no uncertain terms that they are unwilling to even ask my ex-partner not to go, let alone tell them. As they are not a member of the society I cannot see either logic or equity in this. The society's constitution has the following lines about members:
3.3 All members will be treated equally and fairly.
3.4 All members will be eligible to go on club trips or take part in club activities.
It seems to me that both of these sections are being broken by giving preference to a non-member, especially with the demonstrable issues they have caused in the past. No part of the constitution mentions non-members rights at all. The only explanation I have had from the committee is that they want to treat us both 'equally', however this is part of the problem, as they are not treating us both 'fairly'.
I had asked them to seek confirmation from the students union about this, as I was sure they would advise differently. I have just had an email back from the committee to say the SU has agreed with their decision. I only have the word of the committee on this, and the email does not say what was said, or ask me to provide details to the SU. It feels more like a brush off.
Apologies for the wall of text, however I thought it best to be thorough and accurate.
Does anyone think I have a case to go to the students union, or the university about this, ideally to try to get the result reversed, or else just to make an official complaint? I was thinking I could email the SU with full details in case I was mis-represented to them by the committee, but I would be worried about them brushing this off again to save them time and effort. Would it be worth CCing into the email any other people at the university? Is there anywhere else you can think that I can take this? Is it just a case that the committee can do what they want, even if it goes against the constitution?
Any advice is much appreciated.
I have an issue currently on going with my university society, which may seem quite trivial, however has caused me a lot of worry over the past few weeks, and I was hoping I could get some opinions on it.
I'm a fully paid up member of one of Manchester University's societies and have been fora few years now. All the societies are run by the students union. I have an issue where an abusive ex-partner, who is not a member of the society, or the students, or studying or affiliated with the university in any way, is wanting to come on an official society weekend trip.
After the abuse happened a few years ago, I sought professional advice and cut them out of my life entirely, blocking their regular emails and texts and all other forms of communication I could come up with. I did everything possible to never be anywhere they were likely to be, but they would find out where I would be, cinema, weekends away, even my birthday and turn up, knowingly uninvited. This has not happened fora few years, however I am very worried this is the start of another bout of it again. Obviously I would not be able to go on this trip,were my ex-partner present.
I have brought up my concerns with the committee of the society a number of times through facebook, email and in person. I have sent then evidence in the form of chat logs and emails, and talked through what happened, which I had hoped never to have to go over again.
The comittee have told me in no uncertain terms that they are unwilling to even ask my ex-partner not to go, let alone tell them. As they are not a member of the society I cannot see either logic or equity in this. The society's constitution has the following lines about members:
3.3 All members will be treated equally and fairly.
3.4 All members will be eligible to go on club trips or take part in club activities.
It seems to me that both of these sections are being broken by giving preference to a non-member, especially with the demonstrable issues they have caused in the past. No part of the constitution mentions non-members rights at all. The only explanation I have had from the committee is that they want to treat us both 'equally', however this is part of the problem, as they are not treating us both 'fairly'.
I had asked them to seek confirmation from the students union about this, as I was sure they would advise differently. I have just had an email back from the committee to say the SU has agreed with their decision. I only have the word of the committee on this, and the email does not say what was said, or ask me to provide details to the SU. It feels more like a brush off.
Apologies for the wall of text, however I thought it best to be thorough and accurate.
Does anyone think I have a case to go to the students union, or the university about this, ideally to try to get the result reversed, or else just to make an official complaint? I was thinking I could email the SU with full details in case I was mis-represented to them by the committee, but I would be worried about them brushing this off again to save them time and effort. Would it be worth CCing into the email any other people at the university? Is there anywhere else you can think that I can take this? Is it just a case that the committee can do what they want, even if it goes against the constitution?
Any advice is much appreciated.
I don't think this sounds trivial at all: you're a paid up memer of a society and your society has turned its back on you, prioritising a non-member's 'right' to attend some social over yours, when you've made clear to them that this person has acted in an illegal and abusive way to you in the past. Were you to go on the trip, effectively you would be compromising your actual safety. This ex sounds like a total stalker and you should report this to the police IMMEDIATELY if he makes any attempt at contacting you or starts 'showing up' anywhere else - make sure you give them the full background too. They do take this kind of harrassment very seriously nowadays: it is a crime.
With regards to the society panel, they sound like a bunch of cowards who either don't want to cause a scene with your ex, or are misguided in some belief about a person's vague right to notional 'equality' trumping someone's actual right to person safety. Speak to the SU councillors: I would escalate this as far as possible because it's frankly appalling and as soon as some actual grown-ups hear about it (rather than a bunch of 21 year old student society fannies) you might get a different answer.
I'm not familiar with the set up of Manchester Uni, but I'm guessing there must be an Equalities Officer, or a Women's Officer? Email them directly, and mention your concerns about how your society is letting a potential stalker victimise one of its members and is trying to imply that you're the one at fault for being upset. Don't be made to feel like this is in your head, or you're being unreasonable, or causing trouble, and don't let them talk down to you. This is a textbook case of when the SU should be protecting YOUR interests.
Feel free to PM me if you need any advice on this!
I honestly feel I am not getting the whole story here.
The reaction of the committee seems unfair as this person is a non member. Why are they inviting them at all? Were they a previous member? Is this person stalking you and has joined for that purpose? It doesnt make sense. if so go to the police or the SU or welfare.
It seems odd they invite the person and have seen your evidence but remain unconvinced.
The advice service are the people you need to speak to. If they take it seriously, they cna then take it up with the SU, who can then take it up with the committee.
http://manchesterstudentsunion.com/top-navigation/advice-service/contact-an-advisor
If the person was that detsabilising, then I just wouldnt go if it couldnt be resolved.
The reaction of the committee seems unfair as this person is a non member. Why are they inviting them at all? Were they a previous member? Is this person stalking you and has joined for that purpose? It doesnt make sense. if so go to the police or the SU or welfare.
It seems odd they invite the person and have seen your evidence but remain unconvinced.
The advice service are the people you need to speak to. If they take it seriously, they cna then take it up with the SU, who can then take it up with the committee.
http://manchesterstudentsunion.com/top-navigation/advice-service/contact-an-advisor
If the person was that detsabilising, then I just wouldnt go if it couldnt be resolved.
Original post by nulli tertius
This isn't advice, but to what extent is the society a smokescreen and what you are doing here is attempting to control a friendship group of which both you and your ex-partner were once part?The thing that is missing from your account is how this group of people who happen to form the nucleus of a university society have any engagement with someone who was your ex-partner from some years ago?
As far as I'm aware, there is no one in the club who currently who knows my ex-partner. I would imagine they have found the event through facebook or the google calendar since the club has both of these publicly available.
Original post by cambio wechsel
I loosely suppose it is a woman, and the OP was very careful about using gender neutral pronouns throughout.
Would my gender/sexuality or that of my ex-partner, or our races, ages etc really matter in this case? this is a genuine question since it may be something the committee has taken into account when making their decision. I feel these are protected traits, so to use them would be discrimination.
Thanks so much to the others who have replied, I have read every post and will act on this. I will also keep this thread updated with any news.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by MrControversial
> they would find out where I would be, cinema, weekends away, even my birthday and turn up, knowingly uninvited.
How? Who do they speak too? Have you checked who has logged into your online accounts? Have you checked your phone and computer for trojans?
If you're being stalked you can probably take legal action.
How? Who do they speak too? Have you checked who has logged into your online accounts? Have you checked your phone and computer for trojans?
If you're being stalked you can probably take legal action.
Sorry I missed your reply in my previous message, and I do want to reply to anyone who asks questions.
I don't think there was any social media hacking. This was a few years ago originally. They would have found out through mutual friends that did not realise the full impact of them turning up. As you can imagine, organising a birthday event 2 hours drive away from Manchester where we both lived (separately), to find them turning up knowingly uninvited was quite a downer to say the least.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by Ether13
As far as I'm aware, there is no one in the club who currently who knows my ex-partner. I would imagine they have found the event through facebook or the google calendar since the club has both of these publicly available.
Is the trip to an event that is also open to the public, rather than a closed event run by the society? If so, they may not have the standing to ask your ex-partner not to attend. If it's a closed society trip, I don't understand why they would allow a stranger to come along.
Anyway, I think the society thing is a red-herring here. It sounds like your ex is harassing you, and this is a crime and not trivial at all. If you haven't already, I would take the evidence (like chat logs etc) as well as a record of times and dates when they've arrived unannounced and a list of witnesses to this. Even if there isn't enough evidence right now for the police to do anything, reporting things and creating a trail now will help you should things escalate. Have you considered applying for a non-molestation order?
Your ex is obviously finding details out about your life somehow- are you sure your social media settings are tight enough? Could you ask people not to tag you or share pictures with you in them, just in case? It sucks that you have to do this, but keeping yourself safe is the most important thing.
I hope you're able to come to a resolution with the society. I can totally understand you don't want to post identifying details on the open forums, so if you want to PM me, please feel free.
Original post by Ether13
Sorry I missed your reply in my previous message, and I do want to reply to anyone who asks questions.
I don't think there was any social media hacking. This was a few years ago originally. They would have found out through mutual friends that did not realise the full impact of them turning up. As you can imagine, organising a birthday event 2 hours drive away from Manchester where we both lived (separately), to find them turning up knowingly uninvited was quite a downer to say the least.
I don't think there was any social media hacking. This was a few years ago originally. They would have found out through mutual friends that did not realise the full impact of them turning up. As you can imagine, organising a birthday event 2 hours drive away from Manchester where we both lived (separately), to find them turning up knowingly uninvited was quite a downer to say the least.
I'm not sure exactly what you want/expect here. If you're not willing to give more information, then the only advice worth any merit is that if you feel you've been/continue to be abused/harrassed, then you should go to the police. It is as simple as that.
Like I said before, you're at uni, you're an adult. Start acting like it.
Original post by Ether13
As far as I'm aware, there is no one in the club who currently who knows my ex-partner. I would imagine they have found the event through facebook or the google calendar since the club has both of these publicly available.
.
.
This makes an enormous difference. You should pursue this with the university.
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