Rant

Maybe nobody will read this but I'll just say it. I have been nice and hardworking all my life. But there is always a big piece missing and that is me, the relaxed, friendly me. Because all the burdens and responsibilities were always on me. To the extent I had been left home alone until late evenings since 5 years old. My parents do not deserve their name, one ("mother) tries to control everything and isolates and never took care of me or empathised in an appropriate way. She stifles relationships and everything. Even sexuality is affected. A strong male figure would/could have helped so much and could help me and bring me out of all this. Well, the other parent (not with her) is a waste of space and does not even save money should I need it. People say "don't complain, go and live your own life now, earn some money". It doesn't help. I'm hardly existing. It's getting hard to sleep or eat properly. For the past years, since I got panic attacks at one point, I had been moving erratically trying to find who would be with me/where I feel ok by myself, or have been at stations for some periods or hostels. I feel too bad to settle. I tried mental health programs but as soon as you leave, you are alone ... so far, only some contacts have made it any better. And even this is not enough ... Because I need someone to be with for a while, who could help me be me and get a feeling what this means, and "to live". I don't need a bunch of work first to get even more lost though I will need to work soon. This is worse than a dog. I can't take care of my survival, my future AND be me. I can't do it all alone nor are friends enough. No one calls me, worries about me, makes me do anything at all (just left on my own) or gives advice. Despite all my hard work, no one cares how I am, where I am or if it will follow up or not. There is nothing to do to make anyone care or take notice. Once I trashed the house and all that happened was "sad acceptance" from mother (another way of trying to erase who you are) and me being taken to a mental hospital. No one in my family said a word about that. Even if you do everything their way, you end up the loser because it stays like that. It's a big, fat nothing. It's a barren, discounting desert of relatives. She listens to what you say but interesting, it always stays just like that. She doesn't care about you or your health or future enough to take action - the only person who could.
I cannot live like this because it feels like an empty hell. If you have something serious to say/advise, go ahead.

listen to some music?



Posted from TSR Mobile

Music doesn't help enough.

Maybe nobody will read this but I'll just say it. I have been nice and hardworking all my life. But there is always a big piece missing and that is me, the relaxed, friendly me. Because all the burdens and responsibilities were always on me. To the extent I had been left home alone until late evenings since 5 years old. My parents do not deserve their name, one ("mother) tries to control everything and isolates and never took care of me or empathised in an appropriate way. She stifles relationships and everything. Even sexuality is affected. A strong male figure would/could have helped so much and could help me and bring me out of all this. Well, the other parent (not with her) is a waste of space and does not even save money should I need it. People say "don't complain, go and live your own life now, earn some money". It doesn't help. I'm hardly existing. It's getting hard to sleep or eat properly. For the past years, since I got panic attacks at one point, I had been moving erratically trying to find who would be with me/where I feel ok by myself, or have been at stations for some periods or hostels. I feel too bad to settle. I tried mental health programs but as soon as you leave, you are alone ... so far, only some contacts have made it any better. And even this is not enough ... Because I need someone to be with for a while, who could help me be me and get a feeling what this means, and "to live". I don't need a bunch of work first to get even more lost though I will need to work soon. This is worse than a dog. I can't take care of my survival, my future AND be me. I can't do it all alone nor are friends enough. No one calls me, worries about me, makes me do anything at all (just left on my own) or gives advice. Despite all my hard work, no one cares how I am, where I am or if it will follow up or not. There is nothing to do to make anyone care or take notice. Once I trashed the house and all that happened was "sad acceptance" from mother (another way of trying to erase who you are) and me being taken to a mental hospital. No one in my family said a word about that. Even if you do everything their way, you end up the loser because it stays like that. It's a big, fat nothing. It's a barren, discounting desert of relatives. She listens to what you say but interesting, it always stays just like that. She doesn't care about you or your health or future enough to take action - the only person who could.
I cannot live like this because it feels like an empty hell. If you have something serious to say/advise, go ahead.

If you really want to hear it, this is my advice to you. Your parents are toxic, cut them out of your life. Stop putting yourself down and feeling sorry for yourself. Start to think of yourself and no one else, and don't dwell on your past or it will very quickly become your future.
How old are you? Can you move out? Is there anyone who can put you up until you get yourself sorted out because you can't do it at home.
You say you are nice and hardworking, well there you go. You have turned out just fine, you just have to say 'I'm nice, I'm hardworking, now it's time to take control. Only you can do that, you are young, you can do it, and you will get through it. Believe me, I know.
See your GP who can help you with your health issues.

Never feel as if you are the only one. There will be other young people out there who have problems like yours. You can't help yourself while you are living at home because the issues you have are there all the time and you will become increasingly unable to start to make progress.
Ring your GP, get an appointment. If you can't get to the surgery, ask for a home visit. Give your reasons why and explain that it's a mental health issue. Ask the surgery if they have a volunteer driver who can take you to the surgery.
It's not going to be a quick fix for you. I wish it was because you are young and should be enjoying life and looking to the future.
Can I ask how old you are? Are you at uni?

All relationships take work. If you want to maintain them then you have to make the effort to keep them.

I grew up in a toxic environment and one thing that that does is create a "save me" theme. We look for help outside of ourselves but he real help and recovery comes from saving ourselves. From doing the internal work to realise our own worth and rejecting what we have been taught by parents who at best, had no clue and at worst, purposefully damaged their children.

None of this means you can't seek help, but it does mean that there is no magic fix. You have to do the work to break free of the toxic stuff

Identifying what is stopping you from having close relationships - what part you play in that..because we can't control or change other people's behaviour but we can manage ours and how we choose to respond

Maybe nobody will read this but I'll just say it. I have been nice and hardworking all my life. But there is always a big piece missing and that is me, the relaxed, friendly me. Because all the burdens and responsibilities were always on me. To the extent I had been left home alone until late evenings since 5 years old. My parents do not deserve their name, one ("mother) tries to control everything and isolates and never took care of me or empathised in an appropriate way. She stifles relationships and everything. Even sexuality is affected. A strong male figure would/could have helped so much and could help me and bring me out of all this. Well, the other parent (not with her) is a waste of space and does not even save money should I need it. People say "don't complain, go and live your own life now, earn some money". It doesn't help. I'm hardly existing. It's getting hard to sleep or eat properly. For the past years, since I got panic attacks at one point, I had been moving erratically trying to find who would be with me/where I feel ok by myself, or have been at stations for some periods or hostels. I feel too bad to settle. I tried mental health programs but as soon as you leave, you are alone ... so far, only some contacts have made it any better. And even this is not enough ... Because I need someone to be with for a while, who could help me be me and get a feeling what this means, and "to live". I don't need a bunch of work first to get even more lost though I will need to work soon. This is worse than a dog. I can't take care of my survival, my future AND be me. I can't do it all alone nor are friends enough. No one calls me, worries about me, makes me do anything at all (just left on my own) or gives advice. Despite all my hard work, no one cares how I am, where I am or if it will follow up or not. There is nothing to do to make anyone care or take notice. Once I trashed the house and all that happened was "sad acceptance" from mother (another way of trying to erase who you are) and me being taken to a mental hospital. No one in my family said a word about that. Even if you do everything their way, you end up the loser because it stays like that. It's a big, fat nothing. It's a barren, discounting desert of relatives. She listens to what you say but interesting, it always stays just like that. She doesn't care about you or your health or future enough to take action - the only person who could.
I cannot live like this because it feels like an empty hell. If you have something serious to say/advise, go ahead.

Not sure who you mean by them so makes it hard to reply

If the world won't take care of you, take care of yourself. When it comes down to dealing with heavy emotional problems, they require a great deal of internal work. Other people can help you, but no one can make the change but you. Start reading books on happiness and personal development, watch videos and seminars on it too. Learn to educate yourself, study yourself, and get to know yourself better so that you know that when the hard times come, you can trust yourself to drag yourself out of them. Here is a video to start you off:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Por7y_l3j-M
He does go onto talk about other financial stuff (stuff that is maybe more relevant for people who are older), but some of the advice in there is golden.

PS: Don't trade your happiness for anything. Evaluate every decision you make in your life, and think about whether it is taking you closer or further away from dying with a smile on your face. Wish you the best of luck

Thanks a lot for your reply! However we are interconnected and if someone eventually does not care, you are "forced" to be cut off and only care about yourself. You must take care of yourself but if it cuts you off from other people, it's not good ...

What does 'not good' actually mean to you? Every person you spend considerable amounts of time in your life should be bringing a net benefit to your life. If they are a drain on your life, it's simply not worth it. It doesn't mean you cut everyone off with no hope of ever seeing them again, but if you are developing at a faster rate than them and/or they are holding you back from achieving basic goals in your life (e.g. happiness), a movement away from them is likely necessary. Once you finally understand yourself and how to understand your emotions, you will likely be better able to contact some of these people again in the future.

If these people, however, have not changed and continue to behave in the toxic ways they used to, there is little you can do but cut them out of our life. If sometime in the future they come back and have clearly changed, feel free to let them back (be careful not to be fooled though). It might seem odd to go cutting people out of your life, but what you will find is that 1 or 2 high quality friends and family, is much better than 10s or 100s of friends of family, among which there are many toxic people that you only call friends of family because of some social obligation you think you have to them. If someone isn't willing to respect you and your basic search for a decent level of happiness, what sense does it make to keep such a person in your life? When you look back at your life, you will have no one else to blame but yourself when you realise that you are not happy because of all of the toxic people you kept in your life for no reason other that 'it would be bad if I reduced or cut off contact with them'.

Will you trade your happiness for unwritten social obligations? I hope not, for your own sake