Newcastle: middle-class children with a wild side suppressed by the expectations of their wealthy family, who want to immerse themselves in a geographically secluded city to take advantage of the many clubs and party for three years before inheriting a job at KPMG from their father.
Aberdeen: a grey city that lacks colour, where historic beauty contrasts with 1960s architecture to cater for the bright European students who flock there for free or heavily subsidised tuition.
UEL: where academic inability still manages to have a rivalry with the the highly regarded London Met.
Liverpool: the unloved Russell Group institution that scores marginally lower in biased metrics, featuring in the jokes of TSR snobs.
Nottingham: where introverted Chinese meet extroverted British.
LSE: the socially retarded UCL.
UCL: the academically inferior LSE.
Imperial: the LSE of science.
Durham: the institution that puts a cathedral in your mind, yet isn't part of the University.
Bristol: where hippies inhale the fumes of drugs radiating from Glastonbury Festival in their spare time whilst succeeding academically.
Loughborough: where sportsmen meet engineering.
Manchester: where exceptionally famous alumni, University Challenge success, top-tier global rankings and enormous student body are represented by lacklustre, confused, drug addicted morons in Fresh Meat.
Surrey: proof that league tables are ****ing inaccurate.