Should I distance myself from my flatmate?

So I've moved to Nottingham and I'm a guy and I live in a flat of 3 with two girls who I didn't know before. One of the girls is a Chinese international student and doesn't see us at all. Basically non-existent. The other girl is also a UK student and I get on with her very well. I'm not interested in her like that, but I do see her as a good friend. We go out to places and cook meals together.

However I've met her boyfriend now and he seems like an ok guy to speak to, unless you piss him off. He takes a lot of drugs and he drinks a lot. (she doesn't do any of that)
He also told me that he shags a lot of girls including escorts behind her back, and wants to pay for me to hire an escort. He told me don't tell her he does that, and of course I won't mention anything, as it's none of my business, though I do sympathize for this girl as that is a pretty messed up thing to do.

He also has a history of violence and has been in a lot of fights before. Not uncommon for people who take a lot of drugs. This is the alarming part, as I feel if I get too close to this girl, he'll get the 'wrong idea' of my intentions and is likely to beat me up.

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Stay away I guess

Leave them to it. You'll get busy with lectures and work loads, so you probably will not have much time to spend with her anyway.

Reply 3

Siberiaan

Sounds like a charming guy, i'd tell her cause i can

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Ishax

Leave them to it. You'll get busy with lectures and work loads, so you probably will not have much time to spend with her anyway.

Yes that's true. I will be extremely busy and will not have much time to spend with her. But I just thought it would be nice to have someone to talk to in the flat as I know the other girl isn't going to talk to me anyway, and it can feel very isolated being alone.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by TSR Mustafa

Sounds like a charming guy, i'd tell her cause i can

Well I'm not going to say anything as I don't want a punch to the face and also it's easier for me to stay out of this.

Reply 6

Arianax

Original post by Anonymous

Maybe the other girl is just shy or scared? She did come from a different country, maybe she needs time to adjust.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Ishax

Maybe the other girl is just shy or scared? She did come from a different country, maybe she needs time to adjust.

She probably won't. Generally speaking Chinese international students don't mix that well.

Reply 8

Arianax

Original post by Anonymous

She probably won't. Generally speaking Chinese international students don't mix that well.

Oh okay, that's not very nice. Ah well, you'll have a lot of work to occupy your time anyway.

Reply 9

999tigger

Pretty dysfunctional flat to start with. All three of you should at least go out or share a meal.
That bf sounds well dodgy. Im not sure you have to distance, bt keep at arms length until she dumps him. Tend to get the feeling there will be drama eventually.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by 999tigger

Well we don't get to see the Chinese girl at all.
What do you mean by arms length? Is it acceptable for us to go out together? Like going to get a coffee or go to a restaurant?

And how do you know she'll dump him? And what drama do you think will happen?

Reply 11

999tigger

Original post by Anonymous

Leave her a note. You share the same flat. Shes travelled from the other sie of the world. If you share the flat you should trust and know each other.

Yes be friends (go out), but dont progress anything.

As you get to know her then you will see what the state of the relationship is.

You already said he does drink drugs and violence or is volatile. Not going to end well if they have a domestic,

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

Original post by 999tigger

I won't progress anything in terms of a relationship type thing as I am not into her in that type of way, and also even if I was I wouldn't as she is in a relationship already.

And the thing is, even if I don't progress anything, if he perceives it as something going on between us two, then he will most probably beat me up at the very least. So that's why I'm worried about going out to restaurants etc. If this guy was not on drugs and didn't have a violent history, then I would not be so worried about hanging out alone with her. Remember drugs can change how people behave a lot. He might be ok in a sober state, but with alcohol and drugs, he might be very messed up.

Reply 13

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

Find a different flat if the boyfriend comes often or tell either landlord, agency or her that you feel uncomfortable to have people coming in and out often.

Whenever I move in a flat, my rules are to be polite, smile and be distant untill you gather sufficient information from them.

In a flat, you will get some information of your flatmates even if you do not get close to them. When you cook and you ask "whats'up" "how was your day?", they release bit of information and people are very talkative when they are in the cooking, because they want to 1) not feel ackward and 2) pass time till the meal is ready.

So, I would suggest to keep polite and distant with the boyfriend and flatmates.

That chinese girl is a smart girl, making herself busy and not meddling with other people's business.

Now, since you got a bit close to them, just say that you are busy and keep distant whenever you can, this will reset the mood/relationship.

If the boyfriend is an idiot or high, he may mistake normal friendship as getting too close and you don't want to risk your life/health because you did not keep distance to people who are not ok.

And for heaven sake, feeling lonley if you do not hang out with your flatmates? Mate, enjoy your lonley peaceful time and if it is too lonely, hang out with your friends or go to some Uni societies or gym or improve yourself.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Original post by Foo.mp3

Just be a normal friend to her, I doubt he'd see you as a threat from the way you've communicated here :smile:

Which is what I'll do. But since he takes drugs a lot and all of that, he might hold suspicions and in my opinion is unstable.

Of course I won't mention about him sleeping behind her back as that's none of my business.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

I actually don't care about him coming in the flat, as long as he doesn't disturb me.
And yes, I will probably just say I'm busy most of the time I am asked to hang out and probably will be.

Reply 16

Anonymous #4

The devil in me is saying you might as well shag her when they break up, because she's likely to go psycho and tell him you did whether it happened or not; they're psycho like that.

Personally, I'd be civil but I don't think I'd get too close. Carry on chatting **** with the boyfriend, make sure he likes you and don't get too close to her because at the end of the day, she's not worth starting **** over. Don't be her shoulder to cry on, don't be super best friends forever and don't finger-blast her in the disabled toilets because her boyfriend was 'mean'; he'll find out.

The vast majority of fighting between young blokes is over some bird, and it sounds like you've got balls like a monkey in the cold, so that's definitely not what you want to happen. My advice: go take krav maga and sprinting lessons, and you'll be sorted for the rest of your life when it comes to fighting.

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

Original post by Foo.mp3

If you fear for your safety then you ought to take appropriate precautions, and possibly consider moving if needs be. Personally I'd encourage the girl to dump his sorry ass but I can well understand why you'd be afraid to interfere

At this point of time I don't fear for me safety, but will do if I get too close to this girl.
Moving will be a last resort and is not so simple.

And by unstable, I meant his behaviour is unstable, not that he is mentally unstable. Mainly because of the fact that he sleeps around with random girls including escorts behind her back. In my opinion, that's a pretty waste man thing to do.

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

Original post by Foo.mp3

Agreed. She probably suspects/knows about it but likes the edgy bad boy. Some people are suckers for punishment :rolleyes:

I hate it when people sell theirself short. I actually don't want a relationship with this girl, but it seems to piss me off that she is with a waste man who sleeps around behind her back. Not only the sleeping around, she just deserves much better anyway. Like this guy hates education whilst she is very educationally focussed.