why do i feel guilty talking about the abuse i experienced

Hi,i was continuosly abused throughout my life by my parents, and also recently got attacked by someone. whenever i talk about it- even online (i created a secret blog that i think friends found) -now deleted- and i felt extremely bad at the thought that anyone would think badly about my abusers. i also felt ashamed and a little bit embarrased tbh. but it wasnt my fault- so why do i have these feelings?!?i felt ashamed to share anything that happened

Sadly I think it is quite a common side effect of abuse, particularly when one has been abused by someone known/close to them Have you had any therapy to help you process what happened?

It's what the abuser(s) condition their victims to think. It's especially bad when parents do it to their kids, as you grow up with this messed up idea that love is transactional (but you will never earn their love no matter what you do) and that everything that happens is your fault... except when it is something good, then they take credit and tell you that you are still worthless and no good to them... and so on.

It is hard to undo a lifetime of that sort of conditioning, but you can start to heal over time. As the previous poster said, therapy might be an option. Some organisations allow you to self-refer, so definitely look into it. There are also loads of online support groups. Out of the FOG is one such online community. A bit of Googling makes you realise that you are not alone out there.

Fear, obligation and guilt (aka F.O.G.) are what an abuser uses to hook you and keep you too fearful to break away from a toxic relationship, and when you do, you automatically blame yourself. It can and does get better, but usually it is best to break off contact with the abuser so that you can finally get on with the rest of your life.

Been there, so I know what it is like.

It's quite normal to have tribal loyalty to those close to us, even if they do us wrong; furthermore, 'ours is not to judge', applies here. Also quite common to feel a degree of shame associated with occurrences that perhaps have some stigma/victim blaming attached in the minds of some in society. We Brits have an unhelpful 'stiff upper lip' mentality of propriety and repression too

Additionally, we may relate things clumsily, or in a one sided way, which may then lead to guilt about putting our own spin on things and painting people out to be worse than they in fact are, on balance, or making out like things are very black and white

no therapy but i think i might have to get some. it's honestly ridiculous that I feel this way but i can't help it