Advice needed on what to do at my situation in life (not a sob story)

Jolissa1993

Sorry if it's a longer story than you intended but please do spare a bit of time to read and give me any kind and honest advice you have. I am genuinely really struggling to keep myself together at this point and I literally have no one to turn to for advice, I cannot physically make a conscious decision.

So to cut the story as short as I can, I currently live with my boyfriend who I've been with just over six and a half years in total, a couple of break ups here or there like couples do ... we had a break up at the beginning of the year where he broke up with me and I moved out back into my mums house which was 200 miles away cross country... in that break up I slept with another guy and got a crush on him and a couple of months later me and my ex got back in contact, we got back together after him forgiving me and I moved in.

Bare in mind we have two cats together he kept one and I kept the other so mine had to be transported with me both times which I hated :frown:

We are now in a situation where down here I have no one other than him, I started college last week for a loan for a year and I made a few friends there and I can transfer if need be but its so much change it's unbearable.

I love my boyfriend to bits, we really do connect... but I'm living with him and his dad and I hate it and I hate the place where we live with his dad coz the amenities are completely different to what I like I'm a city girl this is a country with no night scene... I do miss my hometown and my family and friends but I love my partner.... but ATM I'm not seeing him go out and do his own things coz he doesn't wanna leave me in with his dad so he isn't feeling good about himself, and I ain't going out coz I got no contacts here so I ain't feeling good about myself :frown:

And we argue and we say about me leaving and it's for the better and we would try and make it work or we would break up but I love him so so so so much and when push comes to shove I genuinely don't want to leave.

Please help me guys, it would be so much appreciated right now :frown:

Reply 1

melissah21

Sounds like you guys need to get your own place together but I'm guessing that's gonna take a bit of time to get that kind of money together. It won't really help having his dad around because you don't really have your own space, like his dad is always going to be around looming over you guys. I'd encourage him to go out and do his own thing - try and do some research into what's on offer in your area (sounds like there's not a ton of exciting stuff to do) but still...you might be able to find some kind of club/class type thing that can keep you entertained for a few hours a week and allow you to make some new friends (which may in turn point you towards some more things to do if they know the area well). If he knows that you're trying to find stuff to do when he goes out he probably won't feel as guilty about leaving you in the house with his dad because he knows you'll most likely head out without him at some point during the week/head out if you get bored. There's no need to break-up over something like this; it's an awkward and pretty inconvenient situation for both of you and tensions are probably running very high but if you've been together for this long and you love him then it's best to try and make things work no matter how hard things get. If you can make these sacrifices for him whilst you're doing your college course then he should at least compromise once you've finished and allow you both to move closer to the city where you can both feel comfortable... (without his dad)Apart from that, I'd have a chat with him about your future and just ask what his plans are in regards to maybe getting your own place together and where you'd want to move to; it doesn't hurt to just get an idea of what eachother's plans are :smile:

Reply 2

Jolissa1993

He loves me more than anything in this world and ditto back, but our wellbeing matters too. He doesn't want me to leave and that's understandable I don't want to leave either but I want it to be easier for us and life isn't that simple unfortunately and I'm stuck.
I'm literally at a loss. I love this guy and if I move it probably would break us up because of everything no matter how much we want it. Unless there was a chance he got through his insecurities and we got past all this.

But the question is do I stay or do I go?

Reply 3

Jolissa1993

Original post by melissah21

Thank you so much for your response :smile:

He has compromised and said he's willing to move up north after a year... and that's great if all goes to plan! But we have a time limit we have to be out by April coz his dad is moving out, he has an interview tomorrow (gaurenteed if he wants it) for an amazing MMA training teacher job and I've told him to go for it but he's worried it will make me leave as it's evenings and we won't see each other much... we have had some pretty bad arguements and nasty things have been said as they do in all relationships but me sleeping with another guy gets brought up quite a bit and me leaving does too... I really committed to moving here but I got a job when I first moved in and hen I left because I felt myself being anxious again and I used to be anxious before really bad but I overcame in when we broke up, and now I don't feel highly motivated and confident to get a job and I can't just go and see my family coz I'm not confident driving that far...

To put it simple it's hard and tonight we said it's over and to be civil and to sort me moving but I genuinely don't know if it's the right thing.

I just can't help the little thing s like on a weekend we sit down and watch movies and play a few games because there isn't much else to do when your skint and I get bored because I could Be out and I love being out !! I love dancing and I miss it !! And I can't help my boredom come across then it causes tension along with the tension that his dad is grumpy coz he wants me to get a job.

It's hard !!

Reply 4

Jolissa1993

And I don't wanna leave him in the lurch :frown:

he will be heartbroken and I just hope if I did move it would motivate him to get out and start doing things and feeling good about himself like I would be too. It's just a shame it seems like we can't do it together.

Reply 5

999tigger

in that break up I slept with another guy and got a crush on him and a couple of months later me and my ex got back in contact, we got back together after him forgiving me and I moved in. [do you mean that was the cause of the break up or you slept with the person after the split? Confusing, so please claify, although its irrelevant].

I started college last week for a loan for a year and I made a few friends there and I can transfer if need be but its so much change it's unbearable. [ needs clairifying. You mean you are doing a year at this college as a kind of opportunity to study elsewhere? Where is the main course lcation? The point is you arent coping well?

I got you are unhappy because:1. Living with his dad2. No night life3. Unsettled by course.3. Arguing4. Homesick5. Neither going out and miserable

First there is no easy solution and alternatives are only real alternatives if you cna make them happen. Toy need to talk to your bf and work out what you are both prepared to do. It seems to boil down to you wnat to live somewhere in a town with your bf, that would let him be himself and let you go out, it would also remove fatehr from the equation.

It might stop arguing, might make you feel less miserable or homesick. There is no guarantee it would do that.
Is he willing to do that and can you afford your own place? Presumably its his dads house so he cnat be xpected to leave.
If you cnat afford your own place then I cant see how things would change. You would carry on with current problems which would grind you down. Sooner or later it will cause the relationship to implode imo.

You dont give any idea as to your age.

If you cnat get your own place it would be a matter of time, so I would suspend it and think about going back home and finishing your course. he could focus on earning money and you could plan for a new place together. You have to agree plan together. There is no magic solution and you will have to take into account what he wants as well, plus you need to be realistic about finances.

Reply 6

melissah21

Original post by Jolissa1993

Thank you so much for your response :smile:

You need to go talk to him if you genuinely don't want the relationship to be over because the longer you leave it the more damage could be done (in my experience anyway). If he says he'll compromise you guys should maybe use your future plans as a motivator/incentive to make things work. Guaranteed things will be a whole lot easier if you only have to worry about yourselves and you're both not having to worry about anyone else except your relationship (i.e. not what his dad thinks). If you both love each-other you really should strive to make things work because you'll most likely regret it if you don't. I used to love clubbing but me and my boyfriend are also skint and in an area with practically nothing to do so we just lounge around and I focus on my studies and he focusses on his work until we can both get our careers on track. It's a long-term plan but it'll be worth it in the end. You really should attempt to go and talk to him! I don't agree with him continuing to bring up the fact that you slept with someone else though. If you guys were broken up he should at least accept that you were free to do what you wanted while you weren't in a relationship - as long as you're faithful when you guys are together then that's all that should matter to him (technically). Yeah if I were you I'd go and tell him what you've said in your posts :smile:

Prioritise the 'I don't want to break-up part' though, that's pretty important :P

Reply 7

Scott.

Aw, poor Cat's :frown:

Reply 8

999tigger

Original post by Jolissa1993

Thank you so much for your response :smile:

Its part of growing up. You need to decide what your priorities are. You need to work together as a team so if hes promised to move after a year, then you need to grit your teeth and stop getting depressed over not being able to go out or getting bored. I'd find it irritating. Either having a nightlife is importnat or him. At the moment you cnat have both and having a sulk about it will not win you any favours. Talk to him and agree about things you can do together or for free.

If you work as a team then you cna easily get through things, but get the hardships in perspective.

Reply 9

Jolissa1993

Original post by 999tigger

in that break up I slept with another guy and got a crush on him and a couple of months later me and my ex got back in contact, we got back together after him forgiving me and I moved in. [do you mean that was the cause of the break up or you slept with the person after the split? Confusing, so please claify, although its irrelevant]

I started college last week for a loan for a year and I made a few friends there and I can transfer if need be but its so much change it's unbearable. [ needs clairifying. You mean you are doing a year at this college as a kind of opportunity to study elsewhere? Where is the main course lcation? The point is you arent coping well?

I got you are unhappy because:1. Living with his dad2. No night life3. Unsettled by course.3. Arguing4. Homesick5. Neither going out and miserable

First there is no easy solution and alternatives are only real alternatives if you cna make them happen. Toy need to talk to your bf and work out what you are both prepared to do. It seems to boil down to you wnat to live somewhere in a town with your bf, that would let him be himself and let you go out, it would also remove fatehr from the equation.

It might stop arguing, might make you feel less miserable or homesick. There is no guarantee it would do that.
Is he willing to do that and can you afford your own place? Presumably its his dads house so he cnat be xpected to leave.
If you cnat afford your own place then I cant see how things would change. You would carry on with current problems which would grind you down. Sooner or later it will cause the relationship to implode imo.

You dont give any idea as to your age.

If you cnat get your own place it would be a matter of time, so I would suspend it and think about going back home and finishing your course. he could focus on earning money and you could plan for a new place together. You have to agree plan together. There is no magic solution and you will have to take into account what he wants as well, plus you need to be realistic about finances.

After the split
Im happy at the college but i can transfer if need be. It's A year long so finishes in June.

You are very right on a lot of what you say, I said to him if I left we could try and make it through but we wouldn't need to be strong and we aren't strong now and he would be insecure even more so because I live where the other person lives or at least 30 minutes away...

Reasons why I'm unhappy are: I miss going out at night, I got a short burst of it when we broke up and I enjoyed it. I don't like living with his dad as as I've always lived in a female dominated house and it seems weird for me, also not very clean... we have no money at the moment so not much to do and the only people to see around here are his cousin who is not like minded at all and his auntie and uncle who annoy him.
We can't get our own place as we have no savings that's why me moving to my mums is the only other option. He doesn't have much faith In us working if I move and understand, his words I am just going to drop him as soon as I get the chance. We both know a lot of things haven't been been the same since we broke up, coz it was a harsh breakup and stuff did happen... but we are trying but it just seem s to keep resorting to moving :frown:

We have had some pretty rough arguements really nasty and vulgar at times, we have a lot of love but we've never seemed to have much luck in our relationship.

I used to suffer with generalised anxiety disorder it got really bad and I overcame it when I stood on my own two feet and slowly ive been feeling anxious again and my boyfriend gets anxious too, he's very unconfident because of what happened and he doesn't seem to be able to control it and I don't seem to help and him not going out isn't helping. I just want the best for him and for me and for us

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 10

Jolissa1993

Not to mention his older sister or brother could move in at any point from next month, they might they might not and I really can't be doing with any More people in this house.

I can't keep living on ifs and buts , we need to settle.

Reply 11

999tigger

Original post by Jolissa1993

After the split
Im happy at the college but i can transfer if need be. It's A year long so finishes in June.

You are very right on a lot of what you say, I said to him if I left we could try and make it through but we wouldn't need to be strong and we aren't strong now and he would be insecure even more so because I live where the other person lives or at least 30 minutes away...

Reasons why I'm unhappy are: I miss going out at night, I got a short burst of it when we broke up and I enjoyed it. I don't like living with his dad as as I've always lived in a female dominated house and it seems weird for me, also not very clean... we have no money at the moment so not much to do and the only people to see around here are his cousin who is not like minded at all and his auntie and uncle who annoy him.
We can't get our own place as we have no savings that's why me moving to my mums is the only other option. He doesn't have much faith In us working if I move and understand, his words I mean just going to drop him as soon as I get the chance. We both know a lot of things haven't been been the same since we broke up, coz it was a harsh breakup and stuff did happen... but we are trying but it just seem s to keep resorting to moving :frown:

1. After the split then you have nothing to apologise for. You were single then. Thats why I didnt get the biot about apologising.
2. Ive already said decide whether you wnat the nightlife or him becayse at the moment you cnat afford your own place.
3. You say you arent strong at the moment, but you would need to eb to survive, becayse as it is you are oth struggling, not a team and its just going to fizzle out after a lot of miserableness.
4. Decide between yourself if you wnat it to work. Trust each other, stop being so insecure and defeatist.
5. You move back and finish your course. He does the job and you both save money.
6. In a years time move somewhere together. A year isnt long and you can avoid all the drama and stress. Its just common sense.

ps I dont think either of you are strong or commited enough for what it takes. You are unhappy but unrealistic becayse there is no immediate solution to what is making you unhappy. It requires money. I would go home and call it a day. Remain friends and see what happens after you finish college and he has a job.