Sexuality and dating advice please!

Okay so when i was 15 i realised i didn't fancy guys the way my friends did (imagining dating/kissing them etc) and immediately jumped to the conclusion that i was a lesbian. Now i'm 22 i think i prefer girls, so i've dismissed the idea of dating boys (unless i meet someone great which hasn't happened yet). My problem is i've had a history of social anxiety and depression so i still haven't done anything with anyone or had a relationship.

Recently I went on a date with a girl and she wasn't my type at all. Throughout the night i was thinking 'please don't kiss me' and at the end it was really awkward and i left. When i was looking at her i felt absolutely nothing, and yesterday almost had a breakdown thinking i was asexual.
However, i went to see a friend and she told me that she doesn't feel anthing when she's standing next to someone either (e.g. attraction, an urge to kiss them) and that she kisses people just... because she can.

My questions are:

1) Is this normal or not, the fact that i feel nothing when standing opposite someone (of either gender)? I want a relationship and i want to be physical but in reality i've never met someone i feel an attraction towards and a strong desire to kiss.

2) I said yes to a second date thinking that maybe my feelings would grow or maybe i would like it if i tried it. The problem is now i feel physically sick at the thought of seeing her again. She was great and we had things in common but there was nothing between us and she's not my type, so i don't want to go along with something i'm not comfortable with. I hate confrontation, especially after she said she wanted to see me again and i agreed. Is there any way i can get out of meeting up a second time without saying 'i don't want to see you again'? I know excuses are bad and pathetic but on this occaison i don't mind looking like an ass because then i would be the bad one, instead of making her feel bad that i've suddenly turned around and said i don't want to see her again.

Reply 1

Airmed

I just want to note that there is nothing wrong in being asexual. I am asexual and that is ok.

Until I met my boyfriend, I really felt nothing towards people, but I was confused, thinking I was strange. I feel for him, heck I am in love with him, but when I look at other people, I don't see them as pretty or ugly etc, they are just people.

You can't force feelings, they just come and go naturally. But in this case, if you are 'feeling sick', then this is a massive indicator that you and this girl are better off as friends. You either have romantic chemistry or not, simple as. It sounds like though if you forget the romantic side of things, you could have a great friendship with her.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Airmed

I know there's nothing wrong with being asexual. It's just when i imagine my ideal future it's me dating a hot girl and having a physical and romantic relationship. I want a sexual relationship but it's like my head and my body feel completely different. I feel lonely sometimes and want to be physical with someone, but when i meet people i never feel anything.
I don't want to be her friend, and i feel horrible saying that. She was nice and we talked for a few hours but it felt like work and i feel like we're at two different places in our lives. If i don't reply within a day she texts me again and i don't know how to get out of it :/

Reply 3

Cremated_Spatula

Why does it matter? Stop stressing over labels and just go with the flow. Worrying about what mundane category you fall under will not help you when and if you meet someone you really like.

It could be that you two are simply not compatible, personality wise.
Why don't you just tell her that you don't feel any chemistry between you two?

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Cremated_Spatula

I do get that and a lot of the time i don't label myself. However because there are no social clubs in my area i can't meet people in person, and a large part of online dating is selecting a gender who you're interested in.

I thought a second date would be helpful and said yes. I don't want to turn around and say 'actually, changed my mind...'. I know telling the truth is the right thing to do but i just want an excuse this one time.

Reply 5

Cremated_Spatula

Original post by Anonymous

Stick to your guns and go on another date then, maybe it will be as painful as the first date, maybe not. You won't find out if you don't give it a go.

If not, just tell her the truth. Something like this seems reasonable to me... 'I didn't want to disappoint you by turning you down, but I've thought it over and I didn't really feel a connection between us.' And then just talk it over and cancel the plans.

Reply 6

Otaybee

I honestly agree with the person above.
Maybe this is just me, but I think as humans, we are attracted to personality most of all. I mean, in a way, I don't really acknowledge the term sexuality as anything other than a way to define our sexual preference. I believe that all humans are capable of being attracted, - both physically and emotionally- to other humans. For example, i truly believe that if a "straight" guy met another guy who had every characteristic of his "perfect partner", he would be attracted to him, vise-versa with girls. And I think for you its similar, you know you're physically attracted to girls, you just haven't found that person that makes you want to act on it.
I'm not really sure if im making sense haha, but let me know what you think!

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by Otaybee

Thanks for the reply. I do understand what you're saying and i do agree. I believe in scales more than labels and that no one is entirely gay or straight etc. And i understand and agree about personality too, i've experienced this myself though in a non-romantic/sexual setting.

But in this case, it's hard to explain. Because we have things in common and we did get on, but at the same time i wanted to leave throughout the date because it felt forced to me. I've been on dates before (that never led to a second for various reasons) and i couldn't stop thinking about that person for days after because i liked them so much, their personality more than their looks. This time i feel like i'm throwing this chance away because we do have things in common, but my hearts not in it at all and i don't think my feelings will grow in time. I don't feel anything at all, no interest in a romantic relationship, no interest in being friends, i feel guily and horrible for saying this ^, but i think if i agreed to a second date i would be forcing myself to do something i didn't want to do.

Reply 8

Otaybee

Original post by Anonymous

Im sorry for replying so late!
Well, I don't think you should feel guilty about what your'e saying. Again, sometimes two people click, sometimes they don't. I believe that certain people who dont click together will just never have the same relationship as those who do, regardless of shared interests or things in common. Who knows, the person you might end up with might be the complete opposite of you. Since im answering so late, im guessing you already either went on the date or didnt?