What if the guy who 'raped me' doesn't know that he raped me

Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??

Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??

Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??

And can I ask how you know she didn't lead him on? Since you were clearly there I guess you can testify this in court for her? Easy days now

If you 'led him on', i.e. gave him reasonable belief to think that you were consenting, then a court may not necessarily find him guilty of rape. It depends on whether you remained capable of choosing whether to have intercourse.

"In R v Bree [2007] EWCA 256, the Court of Appeal explored the issue of capacity and consent, stating that, if, through drink, or for any other reason, a complainant had temporarily lost her capacity to choose whether to have sexual intercourse, she was not consenting, and subject to the defendant's state of mind, if intercourse took place, that would be rape. However, where a complainant had voluntarily consumed substantial quantities of alcohol, but nevertheless remained capable of choosing whether to have intercourse, and agreed to do so, that would not be rape. Further, they identified that capacity to consent may evaporate well before a complainant becomes unconscious. Whether this is so or not, however, depends on the facts of the case."

I don't think for a minute she was fully consensual. But in his defence, it had happened before and from what I've read, it sounds like the flirting was a two way thing which would have lead him to believe it was okay. For the avoidance of doubt, I understand her argument and am not sticking up for the male 'just because'.

This is the problem. OP regrets it.

By even daring to confess that you 'lead him on' means you gave all the signals to have sex. You have not even hinted at the fact that you said no. You were most likely both drunk, had a ons and now you regret it because you feel like a slut - not saying you are one. You are not.
But that is the way you're forcing yourself to feel.

Therefore, at this current climate it is easy to say rape. The severity of rape is being significantly diminished as a result.

You were not raped. You had sex which you in hindsight, regret.

Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??

No-one 'leads' anyone on like that, even a 5 year old would understand that concept. No means no, and being drunk certainly doesn't mean 'try and f*** me'

She never stated anywhere in her first post that she said 'no' though. I don't know whether she did or didn't get raped, I wasn't there but from the (very minimal) details in the first post it sounds like both parties drank too much and now OP regrets what happened

Lol, you quickly just posting again on anon.

And, I meant 'no' in general.

Ha yeah because I'm in enough debates at the moment Wanted the option not to come back and post if I got a load of abuse.

I'm not saying she wasn't raped, and as I said unless you were there none of us can say. My point was, she never explains in her first post how it was rape. If she didn't say no or act in a way that suggested no, how was the male meant to know she didn't want sex? He's not a mind reader - if in her head she didn't sex but her body is giving a different story you can't blame him. Particularly if they've had sex in the past.
I understand being drunk makes it more confusing but he was drunk as well, so does that mean she took advantage of him? It's a very blurry area when drinking.because If he genuinely did rape her that's disgusting and I hope she gets the help she needs/he gets brought to justice. But the OP has given very few details so we will never know. Regretting having sex with someone after, and suggesting you were taken advntage of because you'd been drinking (when you know its not the case) isn't the same as rape though.

This is the problem. OP regrets it.

By even daring to confess that you 'lead him on' means you gave all the signals to have sex. You have not even hinted at the fact that you said no. You were most likely both drunk, had a ons and now you regret it because you feel like a slut - not saying you are one. You are not.
But that is the way you're forcing yourself to feel.

Therefore, at this current climate it is easy to say rape. The severity of rape is being significantly diminished as a result.

You were not raped. You had sex which you in hindsight, regret.

I agree, I don't think it was rape either.

Drop it. This is not rape.

If you lead him on and didn't say no then how is it rape?

The only details we have people, is the OP saying she "led him on".
Do you not understand how ambiguous that is? What one individual defines as "leading another on" can be completely different to anothers.

She may simply think she led him on because she kissed him first, or it may be because she allowed him to touch her a certain way, that she feels she led him on.

Allowing someone to kiss you or touch you does not in anyway imply consent, it does diminish a claim of non-consensual sex because it is classed as "leading the person on".

It might be that she led him on in a different way, making him truly believe she was consenting, but until or if, she provides us with more details we CANNOT SAY. You as mere lay people, have absolutely no right, no place, to tell a woman whether her belief that she was raped, is valid or not.


If you are not mature enough to provide advice to a real individual regarding her belief that she was raped, read the thread by all means, but do not tell her that she is wrong in thinking she was raped.
For all you know she could well have been raped, and your flippant remarks might have discouraged her from coming forward.

This isn't just the internet, it's not a pathetic online debate where you can throw around the word "feminazi". This is a real life individual, who believes she was raped. The sheer audacity. I'm not saying it's rape or it isn't, we simply cannot know with the lack of details provided. And neither should you.