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boyfriend is frighteningly controlling, lashed out
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Original post by Anonymous
If I ask his permission he will simply say no and question if I'm actually being serious by asking this question in the first place when I know he won't like it.
Next time you need to not come to tsr asking advice for your relationship. You have some miserable people here who want to scare you away from a relationship that they don't have or they will project how they would like a relationship onto your relationship. Everyone is telling you to dump him when they don't even know him. Only you know him. Like I said and I'm not bothered who disagrees or how many people say for you to leave him: you need to privately make the choice if he constantly does this, and if this is a big enough con to outweigh how good he is. You actually have people telling you "who cares how nice he is, leave him." They dont have the right at all to say that. Some people are just bored seriously. Give your boyfriend a chance and ignore these people trying to spoil something that can be good all because of a rare argument. These people are into open relationships or something. It's up to you.
Original post by Anonymous
yeah exactly, and no I have never even once mentioned anything about not wanting him to have male friends. I'm actually completely fine with him having friends of the opposite sex (he has them on Facebook, yet tries to make me delete every male friend on there - I hid my friends list so he can't see that they're there). I don't control any aspect of his life at all, he does what he wants, when he wants because I actually do trust him which is why i find his behaviour unreasonable.
Sorry for the multiple quotes, but I reiterate what I said earlier, really. I would talk to him about it, as calmly and rationally as possible, and explain that you find his behaviour unreasonable and upsetting.
If he's not willing to work on it, then I don't think the relationship has a healthy future. If he is willing, then you might be able to improve the situation with him.
Just to add that if you ever need someone to talk to about it directly, feel free to PM me
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by 0to100
I read that as:
"No men, no friends, no nothing" as in "no men, even if they're friends." OP didn't give any context that she can't see female friends. So I took it literally, that her boyfriend doesn't want her to have male friends. Since this just happened once, according to what I read, it's not a red flag risen yet. Not to me. And yes I emphasise not prove that they're gay. Just prove they exist, not like, "Come here guys, let's prove you exist." But casually ask them out for drinks, it's not uncommon to introduce your partner to your friends. And the deleting their number kneejerk lie OP gave wasn't wise and from the bf's perspective, is dodgy on her part.
"No men, no friends, no nothing" as in "no men, even if they're friends." OP didn't give any context that she can't see female friends. So I took it literally, that her boyfriend doesn't want her to have male friends. Since this just happened once, according to what I read, it's not a red flag risen yet. Not to me. And yes I emphasise not prove that they're gay. Just prove they exist, not like, "Come here guys, let's prove you exist." But casually ask them out for drinks, it's not uncommon to introduce your partner to your friends. And the deleting their number kneejerk lie OP gave wasn't wise and from the bf's perspective, is dodgy on her part.
I only lied about it because I feared what he would do to them. He wanted their number for what reason? To verbally abuse them and embarrass me? They are my friends at the end of the day and they're good people and I wanted to leave them well out of this because they haven't done anything wrong. Also, he allows me to have friends that are women, he says I can speak to as many women as I want, whenever because they're women.
These are the types of guys that eventually start committing domestic violence. Usually it starts off small and then it starts by making you feel guilty and 'deserving' the punishment. You don't deserve any of this he is saying, and if they are gay, why the hell would he suspect anything? Especially if you are with a group of friends and not alone with anyone.
I didn't really open my eyes to domestic violence until my flatmate experienced it and I couldn't stand hearing it from next door. When her boyfriend came back drunk he started beating her up after an argument and all I could hear was screaming and smashing. Not saying he will definitely do anything like that, but you don't want to end up near there.
I didn't really open my eyes to domestic violence until my flatmate experienced it and I couldn't stand hearing it from next door. When her boyfriend came back drunk he started beating her up after an argument and all I could hear was screaming and smashing. Not saying he will definitely do anything like that, but you don't want to end up near there.
Original post by 0to100
@ your first paragraph, last sentence: Yyyea...but people cheat...
Well she should introduce them in this situation because he doesn't believe her...A reasonable person would say, "Oh they're gay. Yes, they wouldn't be into you at all. Haha." But he doesn't believe her. Is their relationship going to end because he doesn't believe that two gay guys exist when she can easily set up a drink sessh with the 4 of them?..
It is a clear reason to act angry...the reality is, sometimes people cheat. He's essentially protecting their relationship making sure she doesn't. And to his credit, he doesn't act this way normally.
Well she should introduce them in this situation because he doesn't believe her...A reasonable person would say, "Oh they're gay. Yes, they wouldn't be into you at all. Haha." But he doesn't believe her. Is their relationship going to end because he doesn't believe that two gay guys exist when she can easily set up a drink sessh with the 4 of them?..
It is a clear reason to act angry...the reality is, sometimes people cheat. He's essentially protecting their relationship making sure she doesn't. And to his credit, he doesn't act this way normally.
Yes, some people do cheat. But if you can't trust your partner, then you shouldn't be with them. And I personally think that if you can't even stand them being around someone of the opposite gender, then perhaps you aren't mature enough for a relationship.
No, a reasonable person wouldn't get angry and demand their numbers just because their partner had met up with a couple of friends. The relationship would be ending, if it came to that, because of his aggressive reaction to a harmless situation.
It's not a clear reason to be angry, I find it genuinely worrying that people actually do get angry over situations like that. He doesn't need to make sure she doesn't cheat, she can do that herself! I mean, he doesn't even want her going to the gym by herself, that's surely controlling?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by shadowdweller
Yes, some people do cheat. But if you can't trust your partner, then you shouldn't be with them. And I personally think that if you can't even stand them being around someone of the opposite gender, then perhaps you aren't mature enough for a relationship.
No, a reasonable person wouldn't get angry and demand their numbers just because their partner had met up with a couple of friends. The relationship would be ending, if it came to that, because of his aggressive reaction to a harmless situation.
It's not a clear reason to be angry, I find it genuinely worrying that people actually do get angry over situations like that. He doesn't need to make sure she doesn't cheat, she can do that herself! I mean, he doesn't even want her going to the gym by herself, that's surely controlling?
Posted from TSR Mobile
No, a reasonable person wouldn't get angry and demand their numbers just because their partner had met up with a couple of friends. The relationship would be ending, if it came to that, because of his aggressive reaction to a harmless situation.
It's not a clear reason to be angry, I find it genuinely worrying that people actually do get angry over situations like that. He doesn't need to make sure she doesn't cheat, she can do that herself! I mean, he doesn't even want her going to the gym by herself, that's surely controlling?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Lol ok it's up to her. I'm not going to debate their relationship with someone else? Neither of us have that right lmao. Agreeing to disagree.
Original post by Waiser
Honestly, its clear that he is a very jealous guy. So you got 2 options, try change his mind which is very unlikely to occur or just listen to him. People don't get jealous over people they don't care about, for a reaction to that extent, he must really love you and may be a bit too protective.
Protective? Protective???
The only thing he's protecting is he own damning insecurity.
Protective my arse.
Original post by 0to100
Lol ok it's up to her. I'm not going to debate their relationship with someone else? Neither of us have that right lmao. Agreeing to disagree.
Oh I know, and I wasn't expecting, nor intending for you to agree. Just think it's important that both perspectives are given, if OP is to make a fair and considered decision
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Original post by Twinpeaks
I find it concerning that you seem to have the impression that this behaviour is normal. Makes me wonder whether this sort of thing is normalised within your family. Why else would you think it's perfectly acceptable?
Original post by Twinpeaks
Protective? Protective???
The only thing he's protecting is he own damning insecurity.
Protective my arse.
The only thing he's protecting is he own damning insecurity.
Protective my arse.
I find it concerning that you're getting so emotional over this like you know OP personally. This isn't an Advice Contest, relax.
And jumping to a conclusion about my family is not only unnecessary but it's irrelevant and also rather impossible for you to do with nothing to go off of. Night-night.
OP like I said and like actually no one else is saying:
*It's up to you.* Only you know him. And as you're anonymous, no one knows you, so they don't exactly have your best interest at heart. They just want their advice to be best. I'm a bit over this though so good luck.
*It's up to you.* Only you know him. And as you're anonymous, no one knows you, so they don't exactly have your best interest at heart. They just want their advice to be best. I'm a bit over this though so good luck.
Original post by Anonymous
Oh I thought it was something to be really alarmed about. He did say to me something like 'look I don't speak to women out of respect for you, I don't even look at them in that way because I only look at you like that, yes women they speak to me but I cut it off really quickly so why can you not do this for me?' Maybe that's a good point. I'm just really not used to this because my last boyfriend was the least controlling guy ever, we did what we wanted, whenever we wanted. He'd even want to go alone to a female friends house to watch a movie, he'd ask if I was okay and I'd just be like yeah whatever sure 
It's not a good point, it's another way to control you plus its a load of *******s because that's the most stupid thing ever that he doesn't speak to other girls out of respect for you, he should speak to them, no need to cut them off unless their trying to flirt with him but then he can just tell them he has a girlfriend.
Your not going to leave him, you'll just stick around hoping he will get better but he won't so you should just tell him straight that you are going to talk to other men gay or straight and if he doesn't like it he can do one.
Because whether you stand up to him or not he will get worse as time goes by, even if you do talk to him more about it but he definitely needs professional help for his controlling, aggressive behaviour.
No one has the right to tell you not to talk to other men or other people, everyone needs friends. Soon he will be telling you not to contact your own family and tell you your clothes are too revealing and want to choose what you wear
Original post by Anonymous
afterwards he calmed down and said don't worry, you do what's best for you, I'm happy with that.. like how can I even believe that now after the way he just reacted?! He said he's just happy because I could've lied but I was honest. He put me right on the spot, I wish I'd just lied now and said I was at a library on my own studying. Before he left, he said for me to not worry and that he loves me, and he said 'don't forget this now, no men, no speaking to them, no numbers of men in your phone, no interactions, nothing I'm not having any guy so much as even look at MY girl in that way'.
you don't wanna build a relationship on lies.. be honest with him and if you can't even be honest with him really think about if this is the type of relationship you want to be in.
he sounds a bit of a dick he also sounds like he is trying to act hard or 'masculine' in kind of a contrived way he just sounds like a waste of time
Original post by Anonymous
afterwards he calmed down and said don't worry, you do what's best for you, I'm happy with that.. like how can I even believe that now after the way he just reacted?! He said he's just happy because I could've lied but I was honest. He put me right on the spot, I wish I'd just lied now and said I was at a library on my own studying. Before he left, he said for me to not worry and that he loves me, and he said 'don't forget this now, no men, no speaking to them, no numbers of men in your phone, no interactions, nothing I'm not having any guy so much as even look at MY girl in that way'.
Be really careful because guys like this tend to lash out and then go all out to apologise/make you feel better to try and mask what they did. This can result in a cycle where he lashes out, you contemplate leaving, he says sorry, you stay, once he knows you wont leave, he'll lash out again, etc. You need to have your own friends/hobbies in a relationship otherwise it will get really suffocating and unenjoyable, and if he's preventing you from doing that, maybe you should consider leaving.
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).
He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).
He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
Someone like that doesnt genuinely care about you.
Leave before it turns physical and it will.
Original post by Anonymous
x
Leave the psycho!!!!!!!!!
Original post by 0to100
OP like I said and like actually no one else is saying:
*It's up to you.* Only you know him. And as you're anonymous, no one knows you, so they don't exactly have your best interest at heart. They just want their advice to be best. I'm a bit over this though so good luck.
*It's up to you.* Only you know him. And as you're anonymous, no one knows you, so they don't exactly have your best interest at heart. They just want their advice to be best. I'm a bit over this though so good luck.
Tbh I get the impression that OP knows to leave him but wants people to confirm it is the right choice. While she does know her boyfriend better than us sometimes a stranger can provide a more logical perspective as they are not blinded by emotion.
Also he's been "nice" until this incident as she obeyed his rules but as soon as she does something he doesn't like he lashed out. That's definitely troubling. Secondly yes people cheat but I rather get cheated on and move on then be with someone who wanted to cheat but my controlling nature prevented it.
Original post by dmz
Loool who cares if they're gay or not? You can't interact with opposite sex?
My girl would smack me if I suggested that Lool what a nut job
My girl would smack me if I suggested that Lool what a nut job
Your girl would smack u Lmaooooo ye buddy
Original post by Anonymous
I've been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He's always been a really sweet, affectionate guy. He's told me once that he's a bit aggressive with men, but I just couldn't even imagine him being like that. Today he was asking where I spent my day yesterday, I said I was with my group of friends (2 guys- gay couple, 2 girls).
He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
He got really, really angry and he said 'you've made me angry, I told you I don't like you near men, no speaking, no friends, nothing.. you obviously didn't listen and don't care what I think', then he kept pestering me for their numbers?! I was really anxious at this point and lied saying I deleted them to stop him going to beat my friends or whatever he wanted to do. I said 'why are you angry, my guy friends are actually GAY, they won't ever like me', he just kept asking. I said 'are you really this angry?'. He said 'no believe me you don't even want to see me angry'. How can he change so quickly? How can he be so angry just because I spoke to a male, they're gay and together for crying out loud. I'm so shocked, it just happened an hour ago.
It has nothing to do with you, when someone cares about u they wouldn't let something so little get to them because they're sane and have a brain. With guys like HIM it's insecurity, ego thing. They feel so little they have to pick an insecure girl to control. He does not love you.
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