I haven't even started uni yet and I'm rethinking my life choices ...

Hi! I'm having an existential/pre-midlife (pre-adult in fact; I am 17) crisis and I need to type it out to make some sense of it. I'd also love to know if anyone has been in this position or has any advice or can relate to wanting to scream until you pop like a balloon full of confetti.

I'm currently taking level 3 health and social care in college. The plan is to take the course, get DDM grades, study either adult or child nursing. Simples.
But it's not simple! What if I don't want to be a nurse?? I am seriously struggling with college. I have some mental health issues (OCD) which were so severe I spent time inpatient. This is partly what inspired me to want to do nursing, I would like to be able to improve the lives of people who are going through something difficult in the same ways that people helped me. OCD makes it incredibly difficult to focus at times, means I have to leave class and go home, and is exhausting to the point I cannot stay awake and fall asleep in lectures. And to top all that off - being in college really triggers it for some reason (anxiety I suppose). I still haven't started placement either, when the rest of my class started around october time because of how much I was struggling then. What if I'm just not cut out to do a degree, if I can't even handle a college course?
I find the work really really difficult too. Some assignments are so open to interpretation and vague to me, and I get stupidly worked up about asking questions. When my OCD is bad, I can't knock on doors (ie to an office to ask for something) because I am terrified I will do it "wrong" or OCD will take over and I will have to knock 12 times. I am scared of ringing people and answering phones unless I am incredibly comfortable with a person. I have SI scars, which I worry will affect how people view me as a professional in a care environment.

Every time I'm in college I think about how I want to drop out. But I don't know what I would want to do if I didn't plan to do nursing. I am a figure skater and I'd love to have a career in that, but I dont think it's realistic, and I think I might be disappointed that I didn't become a nurse and ahhhh I do not know. I never want to stop skating (I even skate 7am-8am before college so I don't miss a day. It makes me tired but I am horribly mean to myself if I don't go, I feel like a failure and fat and a bad skater.)
When I was younger I was told by many people I was a talented actress. I did a short film for a charity and the charity then sponsored me to take drama classes. I was going to do acting at college but I changed my mind because I didn't think I would be able to get a career in it.

<<<<<So I'm going to stop ranting here >>>>>
What is nursing really like? Is there a lot of talking to and caring for patients? What is a degree in nursing like? Is the academic side very very difficult?

I have considered being a healthcare assistant instead of a nurse, but would I still need to get my level 3 health and social to do this? Could I do an apprenticeship? Or maybe I want to do nothing to do with nursing and I just saw it as a clear career path and thought it would be easy to follow.

Thank you for reading if you did - sorry!!!

<<<<<So I'm going to stop ranting here >>>>>
What is nursing really like? Is there a lot of talking to and caring for patients? What is a degree in nursing like? Is the academic side very very difficult?

I have considered being a healthcare assistant instead of a nurse, but would I still need to get my level 3 health and social to do this? Could I do an apprenticeship? Or maybe I want to do nothing to do with nursing and I just saw it as a clear career path and thought it would be easy to follow.

I'm not a nurse, I'm a clinical support worker which is a role where we do a couple more things than a regular HCA. I can answe a couple of your questions..

SI scars? Is that self harm? If so, then I work with a few nurses that have self harm scars and clearly it's not been a cause for concern in their careers as they're very good and successful nurses.
You can become a HCA through apprenticeship yes, however I got my role as a csw through having no healthcare qualifications at all, so it is possible!
I used to have the absolutely terrifying fear of answering phones too, but I did an apprenticeship in business admin so I was literally forced into answering phones, I still don't like making calls, but I'm okay with it and don't completely have a breakdown about the idea anymore haha.
The main part of being a nurse is caring for and having the ability to communicate well with patients, after all they have to trust you to give their meds and wash them, care for them etc.
Maybe wait a couple of years until you are more confident in yourself? Do some volunteer work to boost your confidence

Firstly, nursing is a lot of talking to patients. You need to assess them, both from the answers they gave and from looking for any things they may not tell you. Non verbal signs, any signs of abuse etc...
Nursing is difficult and if you've seen the news recently, very tiring and stressful. Nurses don't get paid fantastically well, they don't always get the respect they deserve and don't have great work schedules either. A degree is difficult at the best of times, but in nursing you're looking at several placements per year, plus studying whilst on placement and writing assignments, care plans too etc. Then your chosen university may also have practical exams, otherwise known as OSCE's.
Not mentioning that a lot of people also have to work part time due to limited finances whilst doing the degree.
A lot of balancing is needed!
The academic side is difficult but it depends on how you approach the work.
Nursing students have more time in university than your average student and there is a lot of work you'll need to in your own time as well.
Be organised, don't leave work until last minute and always seek advice where you need any clarification and / or help. Or you'll end up kicking yourself if you get a bad grade or fail etc.
You can be a healthcare assistant and a lot of companies will take you on with no qualifications and then help you work through one.
In England there is the care certificate that people do now and employers can help you with this.

I will say if you're struggling in college and have deferred placement etc...it's worth taking some time out, getting some experience and looking after your own mental health.
Nursing is not an easy degree to do and it does have a high attrition rate.
There is a lot to do in the course and experience can help, especially for those who are worried about patient contact and how to talk to people etc.
There are many nurses with self harm scars, mental health issues etc. The profession is very understanding and you will receive support throughout your time at uni but you would need to avail of it to be of any use.

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Thank you! This has given me lots to think about. I think I will be taking some time out so that I am ready for and in a good place to start the course if/when I do.