Can't get closure, will I ever be able to move on?

I'm really, really struggling getting over my ex. (I'm 22, he's 25) The relationship has been over for some time now but he lead me on for a good number of months last year. After months of to and fro-ing and, in his own words, struggling to get over me, he officially ended things in late August around the time he met someone else. He's since started a relationship with the same person and it absolutely kills me. He's the only relationship I've had, only person I've slept with, only time I've been in love and I just can't get over it. I can't handle the grief – I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone again. Every guy I meet I compare to him. I wake up with dread in my stomach, have fleeting thoughts of panic and disbelief when I imagine him happy in a new relationship, and in general just feel extremely low, I fantasise about my own death, I cannot see a way out of this pain and grief. I was ill with panic disorder and anxiety for the majority of our relationship and we hardly did anything or went anywhere and he just couldn't handle it. If I hadn't been ill I think we could've worked because we have so much in common and were compatible every other way and I just hate myself for it. One of the things he said when he initially broke up with me was that he thought his life would 'stagnate' if he stayed with me, and that scared him. He wanted to travel etc. When we went away on weekends, I would get so worked up with my panic disorder I couldn't leave the hotel room. I hate myself for it. He's in a new relationship now with a girl who's healthy, more accomplished, they went away for New Years and I feel truly devastated. Things I never got to do with him. I have dreams about them settling down (something he told me he never wanted to do - one of the first things he told me when we met was that he wants to be a bachelor!) and living a long, happy life together. Like she was the exception who changed his mind about everything. Like I was just someone to pass the time with whilst he waited for "the one". I wanted him to have made the wrong decision letting me go, I wanted him to regret it, but he seems happier then he ever was with me, and meanwhile I'm just left behind in limbo. He was my life for three years and I just can't see me ever getting over this.

You will get over him. I won't promise it will be easy. I can promise he was not worthy of you. Even if you were not ill, he would have not been good in any situation down the line when you needed support. He may seem happy with her, but who is to know that he won't leave her for someone else? I know you cannot imagine right now loving anyone else but things will get better. You need support so make you get it. Go to your doctor, talk to family and friends if you are able to and message me if you need to. Don't compare yourself to this girl, or anyone else. YOU are ENOUGH. And believe me, you feel this way and yet here you are, another day, living. That's an accomplishment. Sending you so much strength and love, Yve x

I'm really, really struggling getting over my ex. (I'm 22, he's 25) The relationship has been over for some time now but he lead me on for a good number of months last year. After months of to and fro-ing and, in his own words, struggling to get over me, he officially ended things in late August around the time he met someone else. He's since started a relationship with the same person and it absolutely kills me. He's the only relationship I've had, only person I've slept with, only time I've been in love and I just can't get over it. I can't handle the grief – I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone again. Every guy I meet I compare to him. I wake up with dread in my stomach, have fleeting thoughts of panic and disbelief when I imagine him happy in a new relationship, and in general just feel extremely low, I fantasise about my own death, I cannot see a way out of this pain and grief. I was ill with panic disorder and anxiety for the majority of our relationship and we hardly did anything or went anywhere and he just couldn't handle it. If I hadn't been ill I think we could've worked because we have so much in common and were compatible every other way and I just hate myself for it. One of the things he said when he initially broke up with me was that he thought his life would 'stagnate' if he stayed with me, and that scared him. He wanted to travel etc. When we went away on weekends, I would get so worked up with my panic disorder I couldn't leave the hotel room. I hate myself for it. He's in a new relationship now with a girl who's healthy, more accomplished, they went away for New Years and I feel truly devastated. Things I never got to do with him. I have dreams about them settling down (something he told me he never wanted to do - one of the first things he told me when we met was that he wants to be a bachelor!) and living a long, happy life together. Like she was the exception who changed his mind about everything. Like I was just someone to pass the time with whilst he waited for "the one". I wanted him to have made the wrong decision letting me go, I wanted him to regret it, but he seems happier then he ever was with me, and meanwhile I'm just left behind in limbo. He was my life for three years and I just can't see me ever getting over this.

Rather than getting over your ex you need to fully concentrate on treating your illness. Are you doing everything you can, seeing everyone you can, to overcome your anxiety? I don't think your life will improve until you can truly say "I have done my best to overcome my illness". You are the most important thing here and depending on someone so much like it sound you did your ex is not healthy or productive to making yourself better.

The best way to move on is to make yourself better before you even start to think of looking for love again, to prove to yourself that you can do all the things you want to and not let your illness hold you back.

It also sounds like you have some way of keeping track of his life. Delete and block him on every social platform and ask your friends not to speak of him. I think the best way to get over him is to realise he is gone out of your life forever and there's no point in holding a bit of hope that he will come back. You will get better, you will find someone else you love more and who loves you more. He is not the be all and end all of life... there are so many good guys out there he's really not that special.

Is this a troll account?

I'm really, really struggling getting over my ex. (I'm 22, he's 25) The relationship has been over for some time now but he lead me on for a good number of months last year. After months of to and fro-ing and, in his own words, struggling to get over me, he officially ended things in late August around the time he met someone else. He's since started a relationship with the same person and it absolutely kills me. He's the only relationship I've had, only person I've slept with, only time I've been in love and I just can't get over it. I can't handle the grief – I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone again. Every guy I meet I compare to him. I wake up with dread in my stomach, have fleeting thoughts of panic and disbelief when I imagine him happy in a new relationship, and in general just feel extremely low, I fantasise about my own death, I cannot see a way out of this pain and grief. I was ill with panic disorder and anxiety for the majority of our relationship and we hardly did anything or went anywhere and he just couldn't handle it. If I hadn't been ill I think we could've worked because we have so much in common and were compatible every other way and I just hate myself for it. One of the things he said when he initially broke up with me was that he thought his life would 'stagnate' if he stayed with me, and that scared him. He wanted to travel etc. When we went away on weekends, I would get so worked up with my panic disorder I couldn't leave the hotel room. I hate myself for it. He's in a new relationship now with a girl who's healthy, more accomplished, they went away for New Years and I feel truly devastated. Things I never got to do with him. I have dreams about them settling down (something he told me he never wanted to do - one of the first things he told me when we met was that he wants to be a bachelor!) and living a long, happy life together. Like she was the exception who changed his mind about everything. Like I was just someone to pass the time with whilst he waited for "the one". I wanted him to have made the wrong decision letting me go, I wanted him to regret it, but he seems happier then he ever was with me, and meanwhile I'm just left behind in limbo. He was my life for three years and I just can't see me ever getting over this.

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. Since he ended things with me, I started medication and transferred from Open University to The University of Nottingham - which has helped me beyond belief. My agoraphobia is a thing of the past and I finally have my panic disorder under control, I have a social life, I leave the house every day, I'm going to Amsterdam in 2 weeks with the Philosophy society! I have a *purpose* now. Yet my world feels empty without him. It is just incredibly bittersweet and I can't fully enjoy the experience at the moment (though I realise it's the best thing I could have ever done for myself). Just too little too late. If only, if only, etc.

I have been in pretty much an identical position to you, so I know how it feels. It was hard, I even went through the actions of committing suicide, but I pulled through in the end and after 2 years I don't see him as the most attractive fish in the sea anymore. How did I do it?

First, you have to respect the fact that he isn't necessarily to blame. But don't blame yourself either. From the way you described it, it appears as if you two just were in a relationship that caused both of you to be really unhappy. I was depressed as well and I kept trying to confide with him. Eventually, understandably, he got sick of it. I see now that what I did was quite selfish; he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore but I kept spewing negativity at him to get it off my chest (felt good for a short while but the pain always returned after anyway). He stayed with me for a few months to make sure I was mentally stable, but then I accepted that the relationship had to end and ironically it was me who made the final decision to break it off.

Please, please do not go down the road of trying to convince yourself that he was unworthy, is a horrible person, and did the wrong thing. It doesn't matter how well you think you know him, you just don't know his innermost feelings, and everyone has feelings. From the way you described your boyfriend, it sounds as if he was very virtuous indeed.

To answer your question, yes, I think you will get over it, but it's not easy. You need to accept that you probably did a lot of wrong things, and forgive him for the ways he was wronged you. Be happy for his new relationship, and wish him happiness. The worst feeling at this stage is jealousy, believe me. I too thought that he was the most attractive person on earth (and I still kind of do) but logic should tell you that there are much, much more fish in the sea and, if you let go of the past, you will open yourself to that opportunity. Time is a great healer, yes, but you can accelerate the healing through self-reflection and forgiveness. Wishing you all the best.

You are not pathetic, you are human! You are doing so well and every good thing you do is an achievement, from getting up of a morning to brushing your hair, to leaving the house...don't dismiss your feelings or the things you do. They are all important.
Here's a poem I think you might like, by Rupi Kaur...

if you are broken
and they have left you
do not question
whether you were
enough
the problem was
you were so enough
they were not able to carry it

❤️