I've been suffering from 'death anxiety' (fearing I will die due to an accident performing normal day to day tasks) ever since my grandpa passed away unexpectedly last October.
However, over past few weeks my symptoms got worse. Its not just the death anxiety, I am basically scared/panic all the time. It gets to the point where the feeling overwhelms me so much I feel like the only way to release that pressure is to self-harm. I don't have necessary tools to do so (I used to self-harm using drawing compass to avoid blood), but I am reaching the point where I don't mind using the kitchen knife just so that feeling stops.
I am a medical student, currently learning about various infections and I find myself wishing that I get some very serious condition, just so that physical pain overtakes the mental one.
I organised a date for my boyfriend on Saturday, but I am so anxious about it. It makes me wanna cry, thats how bad it is. My bf suffers from depression himself and he told me its very hard on him to deal with that and support me and my anxiety. That naturally led me to become anxious he will break up with me and I can see our relationship suffering because of me. After all, it is not normal to be scared of your boyfriend (hes not abusive in any way, never hit me or even said something to harm me on purpose) and the thought of that is driving me insane.
Today I overslept for my lectures and it made me feel so bad. Like, not just 'damn, what a moron I am' bad, but bad as if I slept through an exam or something. I need to catch up on these lectures but the anger of missing them prevents me from looking at them. Furthermore, I already know most of that stuff as its a recap module and its something that interests me. Nevertheless, its very hard for me to stay focus and I get overwhelemed with very basic things that I used to know very well. Overall, I struggle way more than I should and I don't find it as interesting as I know I should.
So based on all that, I am currently in a VERY BAD mental state and I am quite tempted to just cut myself. I live next to a hospital and I told myself I will go there if things go bad. But now I am not so sure. A&E is understaffed and I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I also don't know if what I experience is severe enough to bother these doctors. I don't think I experience a mental breakdown, but I feel it is very close.