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I said yes to being his girlfriend...but

UPDATE: I ended things. I tried explaining and giving the most sincere apology I could while maintaining myself firm and expecting him to apologize for his side of things. The latter didn't happen. He chose to send manipulative texts that tried to guilt me into going back, and this only reinforced the suspicions I'd had of him.


....
But I've realized I can't handle a relationship right now.
I ended a relationship of 6 years back in November of 2016. I was spiraling out of control, abusing alcohol, drugs, and my emotions were turbulent. I had started talking to/seeing another man and was convinced I wanted to leave my fiance for him. I began attending counseling with a psychologist (still going!) and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 shortly after my breakup.

I still continued to talk to the other guy, despite knowing my journey towards learning how to be alone and loving myself meant that I COULD NOT date someone until I was mentally healthy again. From the get go he had been insistent on me being his girlfriend, but I knew deep down if I got into something deeper with him it wouldn't be good for either of us, since I was fresh out of another relationship. However, I caved on a particularly low night and agreed to be his girlfriend. He knows what he wants; a serious relationship, eventually marriage, moving in together, etc, etc. But I'm learning from my experience and truly recognize that I can't be with ANYONE right now. We have been dating for a month, so I know for me the connection is still shallow, but for him...he's told me that I'm the only thing that keeps him fighting.

My question, now that you know the context of this dilemma, is: what is the best approach to breaking up? As much as the romantic part of me wants to hang on and see if this works, the realistic part of me knows it's not right and I should let him go. I'm still grieving my 6-year relationship (we were engaged), I'm still learning to love myself and not depend on another's love for happiness (you know you're reliant on others' love when you can't stand being with/by yourself), and I'm just starting my educational career. It's not the time for a relationship with someone who wants a wife, as I'm nowhere near ready for it.
Help, please. In the long run, I know what I need to do, but it always helps to have the viewpoint of others.
I'd like to add on that I had already told this young man that I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship but that I'd like to just DATE (you know, the old school thing people did to get to know each other before officially going steady). Like I mentioned, I was feeling weak emotionally and caved into him asking me to be his girlfriend, mostly because he became upset with me after I said no.
(edited 7 years ago)

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Tell him that you're very sorry, but you can't handle a relationship right now. Short, simple and true. He's not going to want to be rambled at until you bore him out of it.
explain him everything or just break up with him telling nothing. But as for it would bebeter to explain and to tell him all situation
Original post by Glassapple
Tell him that you're very sorry, but you can't handle a relationship right now. Short, simple and true. He's not going to want to be rambled at until you bore him out of it.


Yeah, definitely not planning to spill all of this to him. Thank you for your input!
This is a tough situation, but even if you didn't have your own problems, I'd still advise you to break up and leave well alone. The fact that he repeatedly insisted and pressured you into the relationship, and got upset when you tried to say no, is very troubling. He doesn't seem to know it, but he doesn't sound ready to be in a serious relationship either!
I don't mean to sound glib, but have you told him all this? If he doesn't understand, or disagrees, you have to break it off. You understand where you are at, what you need to do, and the time it will take. Listen to yourself. You should be able to tell him all of it openly and honestly. Maybe he will wait.
Original post by decrepitorchid
But I've realized I can't handle a relationship right now.
I ended a relationship of 6 years back in November of 2016. I was spiraling out of control, abusing alcohol, drugs, and my emotions were turbulent. I had started talking to/seeing another man and was convinced I wanted to leave my fiance for him. I began attending counseling with a psychologist (still going!) and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 shortly after my breakup.

I still continued to talk to the other guy, despite knowing my journey towards learning how to be alone and loving myself meant that I COULD NOT date someone until I was mentally healthy again. From the get go he had been insistent on me being his girlfriend, but I knew deep down if I got into something deeper with him it wouldn't be good for either of us, since I was fresh out of another relationship. However, I caved on a particularly low night and agreed to be his girlfriend. He knows what he wants; a serious relationship, eventually marriage, moving in together, etc, etc. But I'm learning from my experience and truly recognize that I can't be with ANYONE right now. We have been dating for a month, so I know for me the connection is still shallow, but for him...he's told me that I'm the only thing that keeps him fighting.

My question, now that you know the context of this dilemma, is: what is the best approach to breaking up? As much as the romantic part of me wants to hang on and see if this works, the realistic part of me knows it's not right and I should let him go. I'm still grieving my 6-year relationship (we were engaged), I'm still learning to love myself and not depend on another's love for happiness (you know you're reliant on others' love when you can't stand being with/by yourself), and I'm just starting my educational career. It's not the time for a relationship with someone who wants a wife, as I'm nowhere near ready for it.
Help, please. In the long run, I know what I need to do, but it always helps to have the viewpoint of others.
I'd like to add on that I had already told this young man that I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship but that I'd like to just DATE (you know, the old school thing people did to get to know each other before officially going steady). Like I mentioned, I was feeling weak emotionally and caved into him asking me to be his girlfriend, mostly because he became upset with me after I said no.


Shocking but I agree with glasspaple in this matter.

You need to keep it simple and clear so there is no confusion. Better in person, but as he will try and persuade you otherwise, then you cna send him an e-mail , do it iver the phone or write a letter.

It can say what you said above. Youve realised you arent ready for a relationship and you need to complete your treatment for bipolar and get used to having recovered from your previous relationship. It creates too much stress being in a relationship at the moment and its not fair on either of you to continue. Wish him all the best for the future and ask him to respect your decision.

It sounds like he pressured you a bit and that he has a bit selfish or possessive in that he wnats a gf, but he doesnt take on the implications that you have baggage and issue to deal with. he sounds liek he has prioritised himself, when in fact from what you say, then someone else would have supported you in making the most of yourself ratehr than pushed you into something that suited them. That would be my hunch based on what you said. Be clear, be firm, dont feel guilty and probably cut communication, especially if he isnt understanding. Its only a month I had essays I owed fro longer than that.

Btw ive seen both sides of people pushing others into relationships where they arent ready and others where they have been supportive and gently nursed them back and helping them find happiness in thesmelves. Being their friend came first. Someone who helps you in that way is laying the foundations for being a good partner later on.
(edited 7 years ago)
I've honestly thought the same (regarding him not being ready). The things he's said make me remember how I was holding onto my fiance because I couldn't find peace with myself. I'll abstain from throwing that at him but it's good to know I'm not the only one who thinks so. The fact you think that without personally knowing him only makes me more sure of my decision.
BTW OP ive seen this before. Its imperative you deal with your own issues and find peace with yourself, which will then give you a better idea of what you wnat and can look for in a partner. The warning bells went off with this guy as he doesnt sound aware of your needs (i.e who you are and imprtnatly wehre you are plus what you need at this stage), but he is pushing his gf agenda and ignoring what makes you, you. I doubt he has the patience or potential to be a friend long term, so when you extricate yourself from him be polite but firm about it. Bonkers to rush from one relationship into another. Spends some you time.
Original post by 999tigger
BTW OP ive seen this before. Its imperative you deal with your own issues and find peace with yourself, which will then give you a better idea of what you wnat and can look for in a partner. The warning bells went off with this guy as he doesnt sound aware of your needs (i.e who you are and imprtnatly wehre you are plus what you need at this stage), but he is pushing his gf agenda and ignoring what makes you, you. I doubt he has the patience or potential to be a friend long term, so when you extricate yourself from him be polite but firm about it. Bonkers to rush from one relationship into another. Spends some you time.

You hit the nail on the head. I don't want to blame my decisions on my mental illness, but I know a huge part of what made ne lose my **** before was the fact that the bipolar tendencies were feeding off that self hate. I'm doing much better but can recognize I'vegot such growing left to do as an individual before I can give myself to a partner. I'm such a push over I'm afraid I'll let him talk me out of it, or worse, talk MYSELF out of it, but reading your words reminds me I'm right to feel like this. I HAD asked him to give me time and although it was MY action to say yes to him, he did have some fault because it was his behaviour that pushed me on.
It's sad because I can tell hes a wonderful man who is capable of great things and of giving a great love, just like I can see the success within myself past all my issues. But right now he thinks loving me is going to bring him happiness..it shouldn't be that way, he should learn to love himself first. It was the same reason I ended things with my fiance. I honestly think he would benefit from therapy as well, but I'm not one to suggest those things to just anyone since there's such taboo. I'll have to let you know how it goes. He's out of town but we're bound to see each other this weekend.
Original post by decrepitorchid
You hit the nail on the head. I don't want to blame my decisions on my mental illness, but I know a huge part of what made ne lose my **** before was the fact that the bipolar tendencies were feeding off that self hate. I'm doing much better but can recognize I'vegot such growing left to do as an individual before I can give myself to a partner. I'm such a push over I'm afraid I'll let him talk me out of it, or worse, talk MYSELF out of it, but reading your words reminds me I'm right to feel like this. I HAD asked him to give me time and although it was MY action to say yes to him, he did have some fault because it was his behaviour that pushed me on.
It's sad because I can tell hes a wonderful man who is capable of great things and of giving a great love, just like I can see the success within myself past all my issues. But right now he thinks loving me is going to bring him happiness..it shouldn't be that way, he should learn to love himself first. It was the same reason I ended things with my fiance. I honestly think he would benefit from therapy as well, but I'm not one to suggest those things to just anyone since there's such taboo. I'll have to let you know how it goes. He's out of town but we're bound to see each other this weekend.


Think about what you wnat i.e above. Imo you should want to find out who you are and sometimes that doesnt mean being in a relationship, but instead being single and having the freedom to think and do. If you are scared of being a pishover then write it down, do a diagram - cary it round with what you want and why. Maube dont do it in person but over the phone/skype. If you wnat to keep it short then you cna also write it down so its clear and things arent left unsaid.

He isnt your problem so dont give him too many pointers on his own life as he could react, but maybe angle it so its what you need (he should support that) and its unfair plus unwise to continue any further because the timing is wrong,

If he really cared about you then he would respect your decision wish you well and maybe just ive you space andrenew contact with your consent 1,2,3 years down the line. Try and sort it sooner rather than later as its going to start feeling awkward.
Original post by decrepitorchid
But I've realized I can't handle a relationship right now.
I ended a relationship of 6 years back in November of 2016. I was spiraling out of control, abusing alcohol, drugs, and my emotions were turbulent. I had started talking to/seeing another man and was convinced I wanted to leave my fiance for him. I began attending counseling with a psychologist (still going!) and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 shortly after my breakup.

I still continued to talk to the other guy, despite knowing my journey towards learning how to be alone and loving myself meant that I COULD NOT date someone until I was mentally healthy again. From the get go he had been insistent on me being his girlfriend, but I knew deep down if I got into something deeper with him it wouldn't be good for either of us, since I was fresh out of another relationship. However, I caved on a particularly low night and agreed to be his girlfriend. He knows what he wants; a serious relationship, eventually marriage, moving in together, etc, etc. But I'm learning from my experience and truly recognize that I can't be with ANYONE right now. We have been dating for a month, so I know for me the connection is still shallow, but for him...he's told me that I'm the only thing that keeps him fighting.

My question, now that you know the context of this dilemma, is: what is the best approach to breaking up? As much as the romantic part of me wants to hang on and see if this works, the realistic part of me knows it's not right and I should let him go. I'm still grieving my 6-year relationship (we were engaged), I'm still learning to love myself and not depend on another's love for happiness (you know you're reliant on others' love when you can't stand being with/by yourself), and I'm just starting my educational career. It's not the time for a relationship with someone who wants a wife, as I'm nowhere near ready for it.
Help, please. In the long run, I know what I need to do, but it always helps to have the viewpoint of others.
I'd like to add on that I had already told this young man that I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship but that I'd like to just DATE (you know, the old school thing people did to get to know each other before officially going steady). Like I mentioned, I was feeling weak emotionally and caved into him asking me to be his girlfriend, mostly because he became upset with me after I said no.


I feel as if you need to explain what you have to us, to him. It all sounds genuine and true and at the moment, the relationship you need is with yourself. You just don't have the time nor are you in the right place, it would just not be a relationship; it never is one unless both people really feel it together.

Just let him know just that, but maybe scrap the idea of just dating. This person clearly wants more than that with you and it wouldn't be fair. You really shouldn't of caved but I'm not sure where his emotional intelligence was if he couldn't sense you wanted to be together. I would only want to be with someone who really wanted to be with me.

Long of short of it is, talk to him about how now is just not a good time in your life. It really isn't a case that he isn't right for you. Make him understand that you probably will date but not get into a relationship so he doesn't feel gently let down and in fact, he just wasn't suitable.

Hope things get better, we all need 'me' times in our lives.
Original post by FailedTeacher
You just don't have the time nor are you in the right place, it would just not be a relationship; it never is one unless both people really feel it together.


Thank you for this tidbit, it's that exactly that I need to focus on. I cant explain what's driving me to feel this way, but I figure if my heart tells me it's not right, it's not right.
Original post by decrepitorchid
Thank you for this tidbit, it's that exactly that I need to focus on. I cant explain what's driving me to feel this way, but I figure if my heart tells me it's not right, it's not right.


You're welcome :smile: Good luck, hope things get better!
So I did it, and he was a total dick (which I get that part of it is a bruised pride/ego/heart) and wouldn't let me even explain anything. He said I hurt his heart, but that does not give him license to try and manipulate me afterwards. He started saying I "helped him realize he doesn't deserve anything happy" and that "I should've known better" and that's when I cut the ties and didn't reply anymore. I apologized in every way I knew how, and that's all I could do; lesson learned. I'm proud of myself for not beating around the bush.
Original post by decrepitorchid
So I did it, and he was a total dick (which I get that part of it is a bruised pride/ego/heart) and wouldn't let me even explain anything. He said I hurt his heart, but that does not give him license to try and manipulate me afterwards. He started saying I "helped him realize he doesn't deserve anything happy" and that "I should've known better" and that's when I cut the ties and didn't reply anymore. I apologized in every way I knew how, and that's all I could do; lesson learned. I'm proud of myself for not beating around the bush.


All is fair in love and war.

You did what you needed to do.

I feel for him as I've been there. But after a while I understood it just wasn't meant to be and that's just life.

Good luck going forward.
Thank you, and likewise!
Original post by FailedTeacher
All is fair in love and war.

You did what you needed to do.

I feel for him as I've been there. But after a while I understood it just wasn't meant to be and that's just life.

Good luck going forward.
It is not fair on him to give him false signs like this, next time you see him, be honest and tell him.
Original post by Rock Fan
It is not fair on him to give him false signs like this, next time you see him, be honest and tell him.


Absolutely but it's also not ok to manipulate someone into being in a relationship with you. Also look at the post update. I Ended things on friday.
Original post by decrepitorchid
Absolutely but it's also not ok to manipulate someone into being in a relationship with you. Also look at the post update. I Ended things on friday.


I think you should give him a chance, and not completely cut ties with him. You should at the least be friends with him after a certain period of time has passed, when the both of you have calmed down. Because it seemed like the guy was really into you. Don't let him be the one that slipped away. After all everyone deserves a second chance.

How are you coping now anyway?
(edited 7 years ago)

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