Please help, Muslims will probably only understand

Hi, sorry for the long back story.

I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

Advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Reply 1

notespad

14

Hey practising Muslim male over here.

Firstly, I hope things get better! I know religion puts a lot of emphasis on family etc. But if it's abusive, don't let anyone manipulate religion - God would want you to be safe. So God-willing it gets better for you - I'm sorry about the anxiety/breakdowns. Get medical help if you think it's a type of anxiety disorder, definitely.

Anyway, I would say that you're probably thinking quite harshly as you're obviously going through a lot. There are millions of Muslims and they're not all the same, so chill out. It's about tawakul and believing God has your back - just do good in society :smile:

In terms of your relationship, if you really don't see it going anyway because of the religion thing, then sooner to cut it now than later or it'll just make it worse for both of you? Also, in terms of dating, I get you. I don't technically date (more like the 'third person' thing/text etc.), but I definitely would want to get to know and have feelings for someone before marriage. I want to know the person for years. Everyone is different.

Don't generalise the Muslim population. To be honest, if I was you (I've been in similar emotional states before for various reasons - mental health/fam etc.), I would try and focus more on you - you don't need to get into a relationship now (although i understand that's all that society seems to talk about). Mend you, your relationship with God and, once you offer the world the best version of yourself, you'll be in an awesome relationship, I feel.

Reply 2

Indeterminate

3

Well, why must religion always be a barrier? :redface:

You may be worried about the repercussions of marrying a non-muslim in terms of your family life etc, but considering the fact that you say you have abusive parents, I'd advise you to put yourself first here.

I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

All of this is just self-doubt. Whatever happens, I can safely say that you will find yourself with someone who doesn't care about the fact that you're disconnected from your family, and that's because they will understand you and your circumstances. And since not everyone out there is ultra-conservative/judgemental, it's just a case of believing that you'll find the right person.

So just approach this with a positive mindset, thinking predominantly about what you feel most comfortable with. Remember that this is your personal space and you have every right to make it a happy place.

All the best! :biggrin:

Reply 3

h3rmit

15

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, sorry for the long back story.

I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

Advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Isn't the purpose of religion in other people, primarily, to provide good morals? So, if this guy has good morals, why does the religion he practices (or doesn't) matter?

Reply 4

Plantagenet Crown

20

So you're willing to give up your perfect man just because he doesn't believe the same fairytales you do? Is that seriously the reason you're going to give up on him, even though you're not close to your family?

A prime example of how toxic religion can be.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 5

h3rmit

15

Not really a valid argument tbqhwyf

Reply 6

Reality Check

22

You sound like you're caught between two stools. You're not going to attract the religious nutjobs because you're not subservient enough, and no normal guy is going to even dream of converting to islam just to please you.

Sounds to me like you need to decide what you want out of life.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 7

mariachi

18

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, sorry for the long back story.

I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

Advice or perspective would be appreciated.

hello Anonymous 1

I am not a Muslim, But I understand your problem.

The question of interfaith marriage does present itself more and more frequently, as people move around, communicate more, and traditional barriers have been significantly weakened.

The only help I can give you is by pointing towards persons who have reflected about the issue, and have sometimes come to diverging conclusions

you could have a look, e.g. at

http://www.asma-lamrabet.com/articles/what-does-the-qur-an-say-about-the-interfaith-marriage/

http://www.scholarofthehouse.org/oninma.html

http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/features/2012/12/2012122795639455824.html

https://www.quora.com/Can-a-Muslim-woman-marry-a-non-Muslim-man-without-requiring-her-husband-to-convert

Hope this helps, and all the best

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Reality Check

You sound like you're caught between two stools. You're not going to attract the religious nutjobs because you're not subservient enough, and no normal guy is going to even dream of converting to islam just to please you.

Sounds to me like you need to decide what you want out of life.

... that... doesn't help... but thanks...

Reply 9

Reality Check

22

Original post by Anonymous

... that... doesn't help... but thanks...

You're welcome :smile:

Reply 10

That'sGreat

21

If you've cut ties with them, stay with your boyfriend. Religion is no reason to get rid of something you love, unless of course it ends up with you in a ditch win a needle in your arm. You clearly love him and he probably loves you, so stick by him. I don't believe in God, but if you see Allah as omnibenevolent (all loving), then you know you should go with your heart. If you believe he has a plan for you, go with your heart. I'm not religious so I don't know how much it works.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

OP

the reason I can't marry him is because, in islam, if a muslim girl marries a non muslim guy, the marriage is not valid. I'd literally be sleeping in sin. Yes, I've been with him up until now, but I don't know if I can mentally handle that for the rest of my life. Especially as I'm now finding myself becoming more religious as time has gone on. Don't want to marry him and have kids to just suddenly have a mental breakdown and change my mind about it all one day.

This is why I stated that Msulims would understand a bit better.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by JohnGreek

Why is sleeping with a non-Muslim sleeping in sin?

because in islam sex is a sin unless its with someone you're married to. And as I said, our marriage would never be valid.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by JohnGreek

Yes, but why? What makes this perfectly pleasant gentleman that you seem to have an attraction to so utterly repulsive?

are you asking why the marriage wouldn't be valid?

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by JohnGreek

Yes. And specifically why the critical factor that's preventing you from committing yourself to this guy is religion.

I think I've explained why religion is stopping me from having a future with him. Our potential marriage, in my belief, would not be valid, which would most likely lead me to be stressed for the rest of my life about the fact that we're not actually married (again, in my belief).

And I did not write the quran, I have no clue why that's a rule. But it is and that's what's causing the issue.

Reply 15

username1402543

20

Original post by JohnGreek

Yes. And specifically why the critical factor that's preventing you from committing yourself to this guy is religion.

In Islam sex out of marriage is not allowed therefore the relationship of the individual im talking generally in Islam would be classed as forbidden as you are sinning whilst not being married and then having it.

In terms of OP situation though marriage would not work as if one is a Muslim and the other is not then they have to convert to make the relationship permissible. In Islam you cannot have a marriage with one being of one belief and the other of a different beliefs as that would lead to other issues.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

not to make my own post about me or anything, but could responses possibly be something productive to with my actual predicament? Aha. If you wanna know more about Islam google is your friend.

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by JohnGreek

So you're worried that you'll feel stress about breaking a rule whose justification evades you? Why not just... stop following the rule, particularly if you don't know why it came in existence in the first place.

because, to me, it's a sin... really wishing non muslims didn't respond on this thread sigh

Reply 18

username1402543

20

Original post by Anonymous

not to make my own post about me or anything, but could responses possibly be something productive to with my actual predicament? Aha. If you wanna know more about Islam google is your friend.