Please help, Muslims will probably only understand

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i never said i dont feel muslim

i didnt want responses from random people actually, but from other muslims

and a therapist is going to know **** all about my situation, which is, again, why ive asked for replies from other muslims.

thanks.

I didnt mean to rep haha but couldnt you get a muslim therapist who might understand your situation better? Secondly these 'random' people myself included have only been trying to help. You are right though we don't know what its like to have a moral code dictated by a religion with such strict guidelines however it seems to me you desperately want a reason to stay with your bf and want someone from your religion to perhaps provide a loop hole?

Im sorry about your upbringing, i wish you had a better hand dealt in life but the best advice as a non muslim but a fellow human being i can give is choose what makes you happy.

Reply 61

Anonymous #1

Original post by smartguy32

no, ive already come to terms with not being able to be with him. I was actually looking for their opinions on my perspective, and if they have any advice on what I can do now about it.

Reply 62

TheDentassin

Hey there,

completely understand your situation down to the hijab thing too and honestly I feel for you that this post has become a shitstorm of people being unhelpful for the sake of being edgy.

Just wanted to say if you want someone to talk to and discuss this more in depth then I'd be more than happy to and to maybe make your move to London more accommodating too then please let me know.

It's very tough but if you are already doubtful of your future with your partner then there's already a willingness that you don't want to risk everything right now and personally I would do the same and cut ties because you are still young, there will be people that support you after this and feeling afraid of not having that person around right now is temporary, you will be able to move past it. It's just a very difficult position but looking towards a fresh start without any ties is something you could aim for when graduating this year.

Inshallah, I wish you the best and hope that your difficulties soften over the coming year.

Reply 63

h333

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, sorry for the long back story.

I come from a household of an extremely abusive mother and a father who never did anything to stop it.

A couple years ago, I managed to transfer university and move out, but my family would force me to regularly visit. Just before this, I met my non-Muslim boyfriend on a dating site, who lives in London. I am not from London nor do I go to university there. At this time I was (of course) in a bad place and, although I believed in Allah, I did not really care for religion.

Since being away from the abuse I've found more of a place for Allah in my heart. My boyfriend is almost the perfect man - except for the fact that he is not Muslim. He has good principles and doesn't drink or anything. Since becoming more religious, I've asked him about converting, and he will not consider it. I know I have no future with him.

Recently, I have cut contact with my mother and have stopped visiting my parents.

I am in my final year of university and am planning on moving to London after I have finished precisely because of my entire situation. London is so big and I feel like it will give me a greater chance of meeting friends, a life partner, and starting a new life where I can finally be happy.

I am having breakdowns at this moment because I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I find it hard to connect with people. I have only two friends I feel like I really connect with, and then there's my boyfriend. At the age of twenty I've only ever connected with three people. The fact that I now have to only consider Muslim guys for partners has narrowed down my chances of finding another connection by so much. On top of that, I would have to find a Muslim guy who is willing to date, as I would want to be in a relationship with someone before marriage.

I also don't feel like I'm the kind of girl a Muslim guy will want to settle down with. I don't wear hijab and I feel like lot of people will automatically assume I'm not marriage material because of that. Also, I feel like many Muslim guys would want the approval of their parents before marrying someone. What Muslim parents would approve of a girl who has pretty much no ties with her family? I don't want to be used by a guy for fun and then get dumped for someone his parents chose.

I feel like I'm never going to have a connection with a Muslim guy, and my religion does not allow me to be with a non-Muslim, and therefore I see my future being filled with unhappiness and loneliness.

Advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Assalaamu Alaykum OP/sis,

I am so sorry to hear that you come from an abusive household. No doubt you are in a difficult situation and I don't blame you for being worried and scared of being alone as a result. Believe it or not, you are not alone and there is a possibility that many Muslims will be in the same position with finding a spouse, regardless the background they are from. However, as Muslims we need to know that it is not worth stressing over the problem of finding a spouse so much that it results in us losing hope completely. All the negativity is from the shaytaan.

Not only are you in a haraam relationship (so you're not pleasing your creator and so risking your hereafter) but wasting yours and his time as you clearly know you have no future with him. I agree with what the other Muslims have suggested, that you disconnect and end the relationship with your boyfriend. The earlier the better and it is wiser to go through this short term pain than a long term one.

Masha'Allah sis, it is great to know you are aiming to be a better Muslim despite these issues you are facing, shows that surely Allah swt wants better for you. May Allah bless you with His mercy. Ameen.

Remember Allah swt said: "Remember me, I will remember you" SubhanAllah. So choose your deen over the worldy life, have faith in Allah swt, repent to Him wholeheartedly, seek His forgiveness, be grateful to Him and put your fears aside. Then there is hope that you will be succesful with Allah's help. Allah works in mysterious ways, maybe He will give you what you want at the right time. Dua is the weapon of the believer, so use it and never get tired of asking Allah swt for help as well as work towards being a practicing Muslimah.

All I am trying to say is so don't give up as there maybe a Muslim out there who will accept you regardless of your background. I have seen it happen despite the long wait and facing stressful times. So at the end of the day, one should know that they will face trials but one has to overcome it by observing patience and keeping trust in Allah swt as He is the best of planners.

May Allah help you with your affairs, guide you and your parents and give you what is best. Ameen.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 64

Josb

Original post by Anonymous

no, ive already come to terms with not being able to be with him. I was actually looking for their opinions on my perspective, and if they have any advice on what I can do now about it.

What did your bf say?

Reply 65

Anonymous #5

Well done for cutting your family out of your life, best way to punish people for mistreating you.

You know, if anything this could get your mother to change her ways. I was constantly abused by several aunties and uncles, its only after I openly told them through my parents that I considered them 'dead' to me that they actually changed their attitude. Its almost as if they respected me more for no longer being their doormat and they seemed more determined to get me to like them so now they are soooo very different towards me

Hopefully it should be 10x more successful on your parents because you are their daughter after all and being cut off from their child will hopefully make them miss you like crazy and make them re-evaluate how much you mean to them and how they were treating you. Miracles won't ever happen, your mother won't have a complete personality transplant - she will still most likely be an angry person underneath still - but will just be better at controlling herself in future - lest she lose you again

So getting your family back is not impossible, never say never. Time is a good healer. And 20 is far too young to be even looking at marriage anyways. Work on yourself first. Given the horrible experiences you've been through in life try putting a hold on the whole boyfriend or husband business for a while and focus on:

making your life better
your studies
your family
and having fun with your friends

but believe me, the three things you couldn't be more wrong about are:

there is a big percentage of muslim men willing to date, it does seem to be the norm after all. even a lot of proper practising, 5-times namaaz, long bearded brothers that I know have secretly dated too. everyone does it, they just don't brag about it

there is a huge percentage of muslim men willing to date/marry a non-hijabi woman. remember there are also moderate muslim men out there too who are equally in the same boat as you, religion-wise

and yes whilst 'family' is a big thing in the asian community, you can't really see that it will definitely go against you if you don't keep connections with your family. it all depends on the guy you end up with and how caring and understanding his own parents are. naturally if he comes from a very gossipy, culturally brainwashed family then they might make a big deal out of it. but if he has good, decent, God-fearing parents then they would hopefully be very understanding towards your situation and may even be happy to be your stand-in parents (as in your wali) and love and look after you as their own. I'm fortunate enough to acknowledge that my parents are these types, the type who don't judge too harshly and understand that not everything is black and white for everyone

so anyways, just remember that this too shall pass. be patient, don't let it get you down too much and keep your head up and just keep walking forwards. all the best...

Reply 66

Anonymous #6

Original post by Anonymous

I've come here to ask for HELP

With respect, it seems to me your mind is already made up. You've told us that your boyfriend is adamant that he will not convert for your sake, that you are adamant that you will not abandon your current beliefs or consider any theological alternatives for his sake and that your main reason for not leaving is that you will have no support network and might end up alone indefinitely.

The morally consistent thing to do is leave (it isn't what I would do mind, so I hope it's clear I'm not being biased). I'm not altogether convinced that the relationship is built on a sound foundation and I mean that in the nicest way possible. It sounds like your biggest concern isn't that you'd lose this special person forever, but that you might not find a like-for-like Muslim copy to replace him with.

I remember once another member made a thread about an exam she had and asked whether it was okay to ask others who had already sat it about what the questions were. When I told her it wasn't she kept adding new information to get me to give her the green light ("it's open book anyway", "everyone is doing it so it's not unfair"). She was just hoping someone would validate what she'd already decided on but had a bad feeling about. I think this might be the case here too. Sorry if all sounds judgemental but that's just how it looks to me. :dontknow:

Reply 67

Nerry

Original post by Anonymous

I can't believe I i revealed info about being abused for 20 odd years, having no family, very few friends, suffering anxiety and people are using this thread to prove their own points?? I've come here to ask for HELP and everytime I see a response I get hopeful that someone has something helpful to offer me, but no. I get you're self centered and want to get your own point across regardless of another human being's situation, but PLEASE can you target a thread from someone who perhaps has had it a little easier than I have?? FFS

But plenty of people have given you some good advice, read through the thread again! what exactly is it you want them to say? The options are simple, either get with the non-muslim or try finding a muslim guy like you or go back to your parents and get them to marry you to someone suited to you. Final decision is yours

Reply 68

DeHumanisation

Quit UK and move to UAE or sumfin. At least if **** goes wrong there is the sun.

Reply 69

Anonymous #8

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks. I don't want someone who is looking for marriage, though. I want to date someone before taking that step with them.

No offence but you seem hopelessly confused. You say you don't want to marry a non-Muslim because it's a sin, but at the same time you're in a relationships with someone and want to date future partners, both of which are huge sins in Islam :facepalm:

Reply 70

SoggyCabbages

Kill his family one-by-one until he converts. #CrusaderStyle

Reply 71

QE2

Original post by MiszShortee786

In Islam you cannot have a marriage with one being of one belief and the other of a different beliefs

Yes you can. There is no prohibition on this in the Quran.
However, because Muslim men are given specific permission to marry kitabi (people of the book), scholars tend to infer lack of such permission for women as a prohibition.

Reply 72

EternalLight

Original post by QE2

Men can marry but thought it was only in circumstances where she is close to converting or it's for a second marriage?

Not certain though.

Reply 73

Anonymous #9

Original post by Anonymous

Don't give up hope, maybe the guy will convert. It's happened before. But if it doesn't work out, maybe you can go to your local masjid and speak to the imam, he will help you figure something out.

Reply 74

QE2

Original post by MiszShortee786

Google is not authentic especially to learn about Islam. Its advisable to go to reputable scholars

Google is not an information source, it is just a search engine. If you Google "learn about Islam", the majority of results are secular educational sites or Islamic sites, some with residend scholars. Every link to an ayah, sura, hadith, fatwa, nasheed or quote that appears on ISOC has probably been found through Google.

Also, the advice to learn about something from someone whose job is to promote that thing is fundamentally flawed (not to mention the fact that different scholars may give different opinions on the same issue).
The best place to learn about anything is from independent, academic sources.

Reply 75

QE2

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks. I don't want someone who is looking for marriage, though. I want to date someone before taking that step with them.

You have a somewhat self-imposed conundrum due to selective acceptance of doctrine.
If you want your relationship to be halal, you cannot date before marriage, but you want to date first.
If you are to be married, you want to date first, but this is not possible as you want the relationship to be halal.
You need to lower your expectations somewhere.
If you genuinely believe, you cannot decide what sins Allah will punish you for and what he won't. You must assume that every sin will incur punishment.
If you believe that he will not punish you for something, then you are accepting that there is no divine punishment.

It seems that your decision lies at a more fundamental level that just relationships.
Good luck with whatever path you choose.

Reply 76

QE2

Original post by Anonymous

OP please ignore this mariachi person. He's a well known troll who spends his time trying to seek attention. He is deliberately giving you strange links to confuse you :facepalm:

"Strange links"?
Did you look at them? They are both Islamic sources. One from a respected author of several books of the subject of women in Islam. The other contains the work of an Islamic scholar.
If a Muslim had posted those links,they would have been accepted without a second thought.