I like this guy, but not sure whether I should do anything about it...
Hi,
I'll try to keep it brief, but knowing me it won't be so stay tuned. Here is the story:
I started seeing a guy on my course in a different light about 2 years into the course. Something just clicked, and I found myself incredibly attracted and drawn to him. I guess it takes me time to realise these things, but still it seems random to me. I don't really understand how or why, but honestly practically each time he walks through the door or I catch a glimpse of him, it elicits an immense feeling and reaction of shock/fear which sometimes shows on my face. It's really awkward, because sometimes I end up frowning/widening my eyes. There are times when we will stare at each other and maintain eye contact for seconds, but other times, I avoid it completely or look away sooner because I feel overwhelmed or it is momentary as I'm no longer in the area/proximity that he is in. He avoids looking at me at other times as well, maybe because he thinks it makes me feel awkward/uncomfortable at times based on my reaction. The whole thing is strange, but I do like the thrill I feel from it. I also like seeing the soft look in his eyes, but maybe I'm misinterpreting it.
Anyway, I will provide some context. In the first couple of years, where I didn't see him as anything more than some guy on the same course as him just like the rest of them, I did want to be friends with him as he seemed like an easy-going, cool guy based on what I've observed and our conversation/partner work during one of the first days of uni. Also, anytime we were in a group of four or five, let's say, and I made an occasional contribution, he would respond as if he wanted to make conversation or engage with me and encourage it rather than dismiss or question my ideas or suggestions like a so-called friend who tried to undermine me. I also recall that he sat next to me for a lecture once, but I presume that was because there was lack of seating elsewhere. He usually likes to sit behind me, but I like to sit at the front and he likes to sit at the back, so it's a given that would happen. It's just that I can sense him staring at/observing me from a distance.
However, we haven't spoken outside of lecture or seminar setting. I guess either of us don't know how to really start that conversation, or have the guts to approach the other. Another issue is that it might also seem random and our friends might judge us, question or make comments about it, which I doubt either of want or need. He is friends with a group of guys, and I'm friends with a group of girls. Let's just say there is underlying drama and tension between a couple of members of both of our friendship groups who used to like each other, conversed a bit, and then things went south because the guy blabbed to everyone and made it awkward. I'm not excusing my cowardice, but I have never once approached someone - male or female - in attempts of befriending them or anything more. I'm fine once it's past that stage, but I'm still always going to be more introverted, reserved, and shy compared to the average person. For this reason alone, it annoys me when guys expect me or other girls to approach them, and if it doesn't happen, then there must be something wrong with me and I didn't pass their test of being "worthy".
Anyway, I would like some insight and advice on what to do. Obviously, we both are busy with our studies especially as it's our final year but because of that, time is running out. I don't know what I should do. I haven't told any of my past crushes how I felt, but that's because I knew it wouldn't be feasible and they turned out to be untrustworthy, so I had reason to be cautious and I don't regret it. I've had practically the same dynamic with all my crushes where we would stare at each other a lot with minimal/occasional contact. I've had the impression they did like me, but they felt rejected because I wasn't a desperate sycophant of theirs. With this current guy, I feel I can trust him and that maybe we could have a future but obviously I would have to get to know him and befriend him before there is further progression of anything serious. He seems different to all the guys at uni (in a good way), and I'd like to have the opportunity to find out more about him but I'm not sure how to go about it. It might be a bit much or out of the blue to approach him in real life, and tbh, there is barely any opportunity or context to do so. I was thinking about emailing him, but then again there is the issue of what to say and whether I should remain anonymous or not. He might guess it's me anyway, based on what I say. Although, I'm worried he might think I'm a coward or weirdo, but he probably thinks the latter at least anyway. LOL. As you can see, I'm confused about how to the approach the situation. Usually, I would leave it the way it is and once the course is over, the whole thing would be over and forgotten about. However, I'd like to think I've grown as a young adult and would like to take a chance/risk here.
Any advice or insight into anything mentioned above would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
I'll try to keep it brief, but knowing me it won't be so stay tuned. Here is the story:
I started seeing a guy on my course in a different light about 2 years into the course. Something just clicked, and I found myself incredibly attracted and drawn to him. I guess it takes me time to realise these things, but still it seems random to me. I don't really understand how or why, but honestly practically each time he walks through the door or I catch a glimpse of him, it elicits an immense feeling and reaction of shock/fear which sometimes shows on my face. It's really awkward, because sometimes I end up frowning/widening my eyes. There are times when we will stare at each other and maintain eye contact for seconds, but other times, I avoid it completely or look away sooner because I feel overwhelmed or it is momentary as I'm no longer in the area/proximity that he is in. He avoids looking at me at other times as well, maybe because he thinks it makes me feel awkward/uncomfortable at times based on my reaction. The whole thing is strange, but I do like the thrill I feel from it. I also like seeing the soft look in his eyes, but maybe I'm misinterpreting it.
Anyway, I will provide some context. In the first couple of years, where I didn't see him as anything more than some guy on the same course as him just like the rest of them, I did want to be friends with him as he seemed like an easy-going, cool guy based on what I've observed and our conversation/partner work during one of the first days of uni. Also, anytime we were in a group of four or five, let's say, and I made an occasional contribution, he would respond as if he wanted to make conversation or engage with me and encourage it rather than dismiss or question my ideas or suggestions like a so-called friend who tried to undermine me. I also recall that he sat next to me for a lecture once, but I presume that was because there was lack of seating elsewhere. He usually likes to sit behind me, but I like to sit at the front and he likes to sit at the back, so it's a given that would happen. It's just that I can sense him staring at/observing me from a distance.
However, we haven't spoken outside of lecture or seminar setting. I guess either of us don't know how to really start that conversation, or have the guts to approach the other. Another issue is that it might also seem random and our friends might judge us, question or make comments about it, which I doubt either of want or need. He is friends with a group of guys, and I'm friends with a group of girls. Let's just say there is underlying drama and tension between a couple of members of both of our friendship groups who used to like each other, conversed a bit, and then things went south because the guy blabbed to everyone and made it awkward. I'm not excusing my cowardice, but I have never once approached someone - male or female - in attempts of befriending them or anything more. I'm fine once it's past that stage, but I'm still always going to be more introverted, reserved, and shy compared to the average person. For this reason alone, it annoys me when guys expect me or other girls to approach them, and if it doesn't happen, then there must be something wrong with me and I didn't pass their test of being "worthy".
Anyway, I would like some insight and advice on what to do. Obviously, we both are busy with our studies especially as it's our final year but because of that, time is running out. I don't know what I should do. I haven't told any of my past crushes how I felt, but that's because I knew it wouldn't be feasible and they turned out to be untrustworthy, so I had reason to be cautious and I don't regret it. I've had practically the same dynamic with all my crushes where we would stare at each other a lot with minimal/occasional contact. I've had the impression they did like me, but they felt rejected because I wasn't a desperate sycophant of theirs. With this current guy, I feel I can trust him and that maybe we could have a future but obviously I would have to get to know him and befriend him before there is further progression of anything serious. He seems different to all the guys at uni (in a good way), and I'd like to have the opportunity to find out more about him but I'm not sure how to go about it. It might be a bit much or out of the blue to approach him in real life, and tbh, there is barely any opportunity or context to do so. I was thinking about emailing him, but then again there is the issue of what to say and whether I should remain anonymous or not. He might guess it's me anyway, based on what I say. Although, I'm worried he might think I'm a coward or weirdo, but he probably thinks the latter at least anyway. LOL. As you can see, I'm confused about how to the approach the situation. Usually, I would leave it the way it is and once the course is over, the whole thing would be over and forgotten about. However, I'd like to think I've grown as a young adult and would like to take a chance/risk here.
Any advice or insight into anything mentioned above would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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Life is too short to wait for any of this. Just ask him face to face if he wants to go grab a coffee, and let the conversation flow from there
As a guy who has been single for years and had only one girlfriend and been turned down loads of times, I'd say it's better to let him know you're into him and get turned down than to let him not know and regret it when he's not available anymore(e.g.when another girl takes his eye).
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by suraj.poudel
Life is too short to wait for any of this. Just ask him face to face if he wants to go grab a coffee, and let the conversation flow from there
I agree with you, life is very short. Thanks for the suggestion, it's a good idea. It is just a matter of somehow putting myself out there, which is the difficult part. However, it'll be a good accomplishment regardless of the outcome. I just have to be brave. Usually, he appears to be quite an outgoing guy which is why I was hoping he might approach me first, but I also noticed he is more timid and reserved around me as well which I don't really know how to interpret. That's one of the things that intrigue me about him. Although, it's fine once we both get talking, it's just getting the conversation to start that is the issue here.
Original post by kenni12
As a guy who has been single for years and had only one girlfriend and been turned down loads of times, I'd say it's better to let him know you're into him and get turned down than to let him not know and regret it when he's not available anymore(e.g.when another girl takes his eye).
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry to hear about the rejections, but I know it took a lot of courage to put yourself out there. I hope you find a decent girl in the future. You're an inspiration to me to go for it. So many times, I've played it safe because I was afraid. It wasn't just the idea of rejection that frightened me, but the potential negative consequences that I might face if/when things went downhill later on down the line for whatever reason. However, you are living proof that it's worth trying than to never try.
How would you suggest I tell him I'm into him?
That's true. I'm always afraid and paranoid about that, especially since he appears to be quite popular with the ladies. It kind of intimidates me how they inundate him sometimes. I understand why, because he is by far the most charismatic and good-looking guy there but it's just not in me to be like that. In the past, I usually end up doing the opposite by recoiling away from the guy/situation because I find it uncomfortable to deal with for various reasons. He doesn't appear to be attracted to these girls (tbf, they are not exactly lookers, not saying I am either, but still it makes me look better in comparison) and views them as friends at best. I do envy the fact that they can just go and talk to him (even though it is briefly) without any hesitation. The only advantage is that I do think he is attracted to me, but I'm afraid that he might think I don't like him, since it might seem like I'm being cold, aloof and etc. When I like someone, I can unintentionally act and/or be perceived that way because I don't know how to handle the situation appropriately. Unconsciously, I think it's a way to cover up my feelings and pushing people away to avoid dealing with them.
Have you ever thought that he may also be interested in you too but felt that he isn't good enough to be with you? Believe it or not he could be reciprocating those feelings back but some guys do feel intimidated to approach their admirer, even if he is an outgoing person, it's only you who gives him the feels 
You have to help him out abit and find subtle ways to make him feel that you like him back. A smile does wonders. Ask him a question about something you need help with, guys like figuring things out, then ask for his number in case you have anymore questions to ask. At the same time ask him about his day and what he does in his spare time, if the conversation flows and you are both attentive of one another then it's usually a good sign. Keep talking to him, even small talks would do, save the bigger and deeper ones until you two hang out, I hope it works out for you!
You have to help him out abit and find subtle ways to make him feel that you like him back. A smile does wonders. Ask him a question about something you need help with, guys like figuring things out, then ask for his number in case you have anymore questions to ask. At the same time ask him about his day and what he does in his spare time, if the conversation flows and you are both attentive of one another then it's usually a good sign. Keep talking to him, even small talks would do, save the bigger and deeper ones until you two hang out, I hope it works out for you!Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry to hear about the rejections, but I know it took a lot of courage to put yourself out there. I hope you find a decent girl in the future. You're an inspiration to me to go for it. So many times, I've played it safe because I was afraid. It wasn't just the idea of rejection that frightened me, but the potential negative consequences that I might face if/when things went downhill later on down the line for whatever reason. However, you are living proof that it's worth trying than to never try.
How would you suggest I tell him I'm into him?
How would you suggest I tell him I'm into him?
Like I said I don't have enough dating experience to even tell you this, but this is just based upon what I'd appreciate from a girl who would rather be upfront with her feelings for me than expect me to always be the guesser(I know girls who proudly say it's always a guys job to do the approach, they piss me off the most).
Here it goes, just tell him "Hi", ask him if whether he has time for a chat, start off with a short less-serious conversation about something you two obviously have in common(e.g.class), when you both feel relaxed just ask him about what he has in plan for whenever you want the date, then say "because, I was hoping we'd go out on a date sometime when you're free".
Whatever reaction he gives would determine whether there's a point in still talking to him for any reason or not. Don't be afraid/ashamed if he gives an agressive reaction(e.g. namecalling); just see it as a random stray cat hissing at you when you tried to pet him, you'd never even give that cat any attention anymore since whatever happens to the cat from that moment isn't gonna involve you(good or bad) and there are other cats out there that would like your touch/company . Remember the "sticks and stones quote".
Also, don't be afraid of making mistakes, because no one is perfect, not even him or the girls that surround him can attract everyone at everytime. Just learn from them, and the next time you see him, if you don't get a chance to explain/apologise(don't skip other important stuff just to do that), assume that he wasn't meant to be and move on to another activity/guy, the same can be said for if you do and he doesn't give you the positive response you want to hear.
(edited 7 years ago)
Original post by RosyPearl
Have you ever thought that he may also be interested in you too but felt that he isn't good enough to be with you? Believe it or not he could be reciprocating those feelings back but some guys do feel intimidated to approach their admirer, even if he is an outgoing person, it's only you who gives him the feels You have to help him out abit and find subtle ways to make him feel that you like him back. A smile does wonders. Ask him a question about something you need help with, guys like figuring things out, then ask for his number in case you have anymore questions to ask. At the same time ask him about his day and what he does in his spare time, if the conversation flows and you are both attentive of one another then it's usually a good sign. Keep talking to him, even small talks would do, save the bigger and deeper ones until you two hang out, I hope it works out for you!
You have to help him out abit and find subtle ways to make him feel that you like him back. A smile does wonders. Ask him a question about something you need help with, guys like figuring things out, then ask for his number in case you have anymore questions to ask. At the same time ask him about his day and what he does in his spare time, if the conversation flows and you are both attentive of one another then it's usually a good sign. Keep talking to him, even small talks would do, save the bigger and deeper ones until you two hang out, I hope it works out for you!I have considered it to be a possibility, but I shoved it out of my mind because it kind of upsets me that he might think that about himself when he shouldn't, because I think he's amazing. I can see that he's clearly trying his best to succeed and prosper under the circumstances even though I know it's difficult for him. I feel like I'm not good enough for him or anyone else in general, but I also have some pretty high standards so it's a strange kind of cognitive dissonance. I guess we would both more or less fit into the archetypal stereotypes of bad boy/good girl. There is also the slight class distinction, but I'm not an uptight spoilt snob or anything like that. Obviously people and life at large is not as simple or as black and white as that.
If that's the case as to why he hasn't approached me, then it's sweet. I will do my best to let him know that I'm interested by following your sound advice. I've considered it before but I didn't really know what to ask help for, but I'll think about it more carefully this time. I hope it does flourish to the stage of deep talks, because I live for that and it honestly seems like he needs it. I can sense a sadness and loneliness residing in him, which is why I want nothing more than to comfort him. I can relate, and I feel we could both offer that to each other. It doesn't help that his so-called mates are not exactly sensitive or accommodating people. He might feel awkward to approach someone like me in case they tease him for it. They are not the nicest guys. I feel like they bring him down, but I suppose for many people having any sort of friends is better than being seen as some sort of loner or misfit. I would like to be his friend at the very least because unlike them, I genuinely care about him even though I don't think he's aware of that. For some reason, I sense that he does feel affection towards me as well based on the way he looks at me and how he tries to get my attention at times to be made aware of his presence by walking faster closer to me, or by coughing if he's behind me. It's cute and endearing, but I don't show I'm affected and try to play it cool like I didn't notice. Although, none of that is remotely possible if we're not on speaking/friendly terms. Thank you for your message - it made me feel more positively about the situation.
Original post by kenni12
Like I said I don't have enough dating experience to even tell you this, but this is just based upon what I'd appreciate from a girl who would rather be upfront with her feelings for me than expect me to always be the guesser(I know girls who proudly say it's always a guys job to do the approach, they piss me off the most).
Here it goes, just tell him "Hi", ask him if whether he has time for a chat, start off with a short less-serious conversation about something you two obviously have in common(e.g.class), when you both feel relaxed just ask him about what he has in plan for whenever you want the date, then say "because, I was hoping we'd go out on a date sometime when you're free".
Whatever reaction he gives would determine whether there's a point in still talking to him for any reason or not. Don't be afraid/ashamed if he gives an agressive reaction(e.g. namecalling); just see it as a random stray cat hissing at you when you tried to pet him, you'd never even give that cat any attention anymore since whatever happens to the cat from that moment isn't gonna involve you(good or bad) and there are other cats out there that would like your touch/company . Remember the "sticks and stones quote".
Also, don't be afraid of making mistakes, because no one is perfect, not even him or the girls that surround him can attract everyone at everytime. Just learn from them, and the next time you see him, if you don't get a chance to explain/apologise(don't skip other important stuff just to do that), assume that he wasn't meant to be and move on to another activity/guy, the same can be said for if you do and he doesn't give you the positive response you want to hear.
Here it goes, just tell him "Hi", ask him if whether he has time for a chat, start off with a short less-serious conversation about something you two obviously have in common(e.g.class), when you both feel relaxed just ask him about what he has in plan for whenever you want the date, then say "because, I was hoping we'd go out on a date sometime when you're free".
Whatever reaction he gives would determine whether there's a point in still talking to him for any reason or not. Don't be afraid/ashamed if he gives an agressive reaction(e.g. namecalling); just see it as a random stray cat hissing at you when you tried to pet him, you'd never even give that cat any attention anymore since whatever happens to the cat from that moment isn't gonna involve you(good or bad) and there are other cats out there that would like your touch/company . Remember the "sticks and stones quote".
Also, don't be afraid of making mistakes, because no one is perfect, not even him or the girls that surround him can attract everyone at everytime. Just learn from them, and the next time you see him, if you don't get a chance to explain/apologise(don't skip other important stuff just to do that), assume that he wasn't meant to be and move on to another activity/guy, the same can be said for if you do and he doesn't give you the positive response you want to hear.
I don't have any dating experience myself, but that's because I actively and passively avoided it. However, I would like to try now - I feel ready. I appreciate your insight, and it does appear a lot of guys like it when girls approach them. I obviously don't subscribe to outdated gender stereotypes like that, so I don't blame you for being annoyed by girIs who think like that. It's the 21st Century, and there is no reason why a girl can't approach a guy. Anyone who suggests otherwise is silly and not living in the real world.
It sounds like a healthy progression. I will see where all this takes me and hope for the best while being prepared for the worst.
Your approach is smart. In a strange way, I think I'd find that sort of intense negative reaction (e.g. name-calling) hilarious and immature, because it's uncalled for and definitely shows they are unsuitable. I love the cat analogy, because cats are awesome and it's a great way of looking at things. :3
You're right, no one is perfect and we can learn from our mistakes. Life is truly a learning curve full of experiences (positive and negative). I'm bored of playing it safe, and want to start living life to the fullest even though the uncertainty does scare me.
Thanks for sharing your advice and wisdom with me.
This thread is creepily like the situation I currently find myself in. I am also a girl and basically share every confused thought you have mentioned here. I really urge you to do something about your feelings because I feel my chance may have passed now and I hugely regret it. If you wanna talk about it then I am happy to listen/ share my experience
Original post by Anonymous
This thread is creepily like the situation I currently find myself in. I am also a girl and basically share every confused thought you have mentioned here. I really urge you to do something about your feelings because I feel my chance may have passed now and I hugely regret it. If you wanna talk about it then I am happy to listen/ share my experience
It's strangely comforting to know that someone is in the same boat. It is confusing indeed, and I find myself second-guessing myself on how to approach the situation. I am sorry to hear that you feel your window of opportunity is gone - I hope that is not the case. Everyone here is encouraging me to go for it, which definitely helps my confidence. I haven't even told any of my uni friends or anyone in real life about it, Of course, I would love to talk to you about it, and for you to share your experience with me.
Original post by Anonymous
It's strangely comforting to know that someone is in the same boat. It is confusing indeed, and I find myself second-guessing myself on how to approach the situation. I am sorry to hear that you feel your window of opportunity is gone - I hope that is not the case. Everyone here is encouraging me to go for it, which definitely helps my confidence. I haven't even told any of my uni friends or anyone in real life about it, Of course, I would love to talk to you about it, and for you to share your experience with me.
I'm the anonymous user that offered to chat about our situations feel free to PM me 😊
I PM'd you. Looking forward to conversing with you.
Original post by Swizzel
I'm the anonymous user that offered to chat about our situations feel free to PM me 😊
Sorry, forgot to quote you. I PM'd you. Looking forward to conversing with you.
Original post by Anonymous
This thread is creepily like the situation I currently find myself in. I am also a girl and basically share every confused thought you have mentioned here. I really urge you to do something about your feelings because I feel my chance may have passed now and I hugely regret it. If you wanna talk about it then I am happy to listen/ share my experience
ME TOO same situation here
Original post by Anonymous
ME TOO same situation here
Join the club, sister.
Why does life have to be so complicated, eh?
The staring in each others eyes sounds a bit intense haha, if he wanted something surely he would message you?
Although it is bad that it is expected that the guy messages first.
Although it is bad that it is expected that the guy messages first.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I'll try to keep it brief
I'll try to keep it brief
I'll call the editors and the writers of the Oxford Dictionary to redefine the word "brief".
Original post by lukebailey023
The staring in each others eyes sounds a bit intense haha, if he wanted something surely he would message you?
Although it is bad that it is expected that the guy messages first.
Although it is bad that it is expected that the guy messages first.
It is intense. Our eyes even meet across the exam hall.
Beats me. I really have no clue what he wants or how he would go about it. I wish I did.
I don't expect him to approach/message me first, but it would be nice. I don't expect anything from him or anyone else regardless of gender.
Original post by Withengar
I'll call the editors and the writers of the Oxford Dictionary to redefine the word "brief".
Haha, very funny. Good one.
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