How am I feeling right now?
A mix of feelings tbh. Mostly negative. Today I feel quite down and lonely and I just want to go back home where I am loved and appreciated more than anything. It is a passing feeling but it does make me feel pretty ****. I want to cry because I'm 100 miles from home and can't hug my my mum and she can't sooth me. My eyes are all watery and my nose is runny and my throat has a lump in it.
I try to be happy and most days I am but on the odd day that I feel out of place and alone even though that is not the case, everything just seems to go to ****. I have no one I can really talk to here. I have lovely friends but are they really my friends. Yes some are and some aren't. Again it's a mix and when I don't know where I belong I feel awfully lost. I'm not used to having nowhere to belong to, no group. So this situation makes me feel awkward af. Most days its fine and I am happy and do what I want. I do miss having a friend to make spontaneous plans with though. I miss her a lot but shes doing whats right for her and I am doing whats right for me.
To top it all off, my life is again coming to a point where I have some serious life decisions to make. Well actually, the decision is made but the execution of it is so much more complex. There are so many different paths to what I want to do in life that I am feeling awfully overwhelmed and I have a fear that I will not be able to accomplish what I want due to the crazy nature of it all. I am going to discuss my options tomorrow but I feel anxious. Idk if I trust my ability to speak my mind or to be able to keep my voice steady and not get emotional. This is a very serious matter and I am an over emotional fool so I would not be surprised if I show a sign of emotional weakness. Or is it strength? idk.
My family are the best people in the whole world and no girl could be luckier to have such amazing parents, grandparents and siblings. They are willing to put everything aside to make sure that my dreams come true so I feel as if I have the added pressure of doing well to make sure that I don't let them down again. I am doing so well right now and that has given my family and more importantly me, the confidence I so badly needed.
I guess I am just emotional today as everything is happening all at once. I just hope I can make it.