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Cutting ex out of my life? Tough situation.

Me and my Ex-Boyfriend split up in September. It was originally going to be a full-on breakup, but after a brief reconciliation we decided to treat it as a break/time apart and see what the future held. I was still upset - but managed to go back to uni without being completely miserable and attempted to throw myself into studies/social side. I did end up contacting him because I'd heard on the grapevine that things weren't good with him, and as he'd suffered severe depression in the past I thought I better check how things were. A few days later he found out his mother had cancer. Since then we've been in touch mostly via social media. He's moved back home to work and take care of his mum. We've seen each other a few times, where he's been affectionate on and off and we slept together about a month ago, but he made it clear it was just sex.

Things have been quite tense between us the last few months, because he'd been planning to see me before Christmas and then cancelled saying he had no money to visit, but I knew he'd spent a load on booze the previous week - much to the annoyance of his family given he's there sole supporter now. What he doesn't really know is that ever since November/December I've been emotional turmoil pretty much all the time and pretty depressed. I've gone on with life, do uni work, see friends and try to be upbeat but the breakup is still killing me inside. I still regularly get emotional about it. I've tried to be friends with him because I didn't want to leave him alone (I'm pretty much his only friend now) and I didn't want to lose him in my life. He was the one that begged to stay in contact - and I thought I would try but I just don't know if it's possible for me anymore. We had a discussion at the weekend about how I felt that he was treating me (i.e. with nonchalance) and he said he didn't view that way at all. I had been planning trying to explain why I thought it might be good to cut our losses, but I had less than 15 mins to cram months worth of frustrations in. He kept saying things like I could have come to visit him (yet I never even met his family when we were together, so I'm not sure his suggestion was entirely genuine.) The thing is when he's passing through to go to my hometown (where he still knows people and has work contacts) he literally has to pass the road I live on - yet he hasn't always seen me. So I do feel seeing him only ever few months shows a lack of care/effort on his part.

I do totally get that his mum's illness is his number one priority right now - and he has gone extremely closed down in the last few months. This is frustrating for me because up until a few months ago I was his closest confidant and he was quite open. He did say he has no idea anymore what he feels about anything since his mum's illness. The problem was we had very little time to chat - but I knew I wasn't getting anywhere. I messaged him later - even offering to give him a phone call to explain further but he just completely shut me down saying we weren't going to talk about it.

I did try and cut contact with him at Christmas, but again he just shut me down and said he'd see me soon. It's really got to the stage for me where I feel no contact may be our only option - but if he won't even take a phone call from me to discuss it and there's never time to talk in person it makes cutting it off impossible. The only way I can do it is through message - but that feels like a cold way to do it and is much rather have spoken face-to-face or a phone call is the second best option? I've got second year uni exams coming up, but the sadness I feel about it all is always on my mind. The only time I feel better is when he's not around - especially given the breadcrumbs he's been throwing lately, shutting down every discussion.

I don't know whether to wait it out until I see him again (probably not until Easter or May) or just bite the bullet and do it over message.
You two have already broken up and there doesn't seem to be the need to say to him I'm cutting contact. He's not contacting you so don't contact him and you will have cut ties to him. No need for a lengthy conversation. If he does call you he can ask you to meet up and you can decide what works best for you. Yes, he's going through a difficult time but he's not relying on you to be his rock and it sounds like he comes around only when it suites him which is, frankly, taking advantage of you and not being respectful of you. Like you said he's only giving you bread crumbs and it seems to me that you are happier without the contact. The contact is just keeping things confusing. I definitely would not be contacting him and would let him have a turn to reach out to you but even then I doubt I'd see him and I certainly wouldn't sleep with him again. That is definitely keeping it confusing. It seems like you really need to move on and what is happening in his life is his.... unless he specifically asks you to be a part of it - which he hasn't. You're ultimately cheating yourself by trying to keep the friendship thing alive because it is continually hurting you. Be brave, don't contact him and think about finding someone else to date who does want you an active part of your life. For your own mental health stop contacting him and there is no need for any explanation.
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Anonymous #1
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Original post by Hopefully1
You two have already broken up and there doesn't seem to be the need to say to him I'm cutting contact. He's not contacting you so don't contact him and you will have cut ties to him. No need for a lengthy conversation. If he does call you he can ask you to meet up and you can decide what works best for you. Yes, he's going through a difficult time but he's not relying on you to be his rock and it sounds like he comes around only when it suites him which is, frankly, taking advantage of you and not being respectful of you. Like you said he's only giving you bread crumbs and it seems to me that you are happier without the contact. The contact is just keeping things confusing. I definitely would not be contacting him and would let him have a turn to reach out to you but even then I doubt I'd see him and I certainly wouldn't sleep with him again. That is definitely keeping it confusing. It seems like you really need to move on and what is happening in his life is his.... unless he specifically asks you to be a part of it - which he hasn't. You're ultimately cheating yourself by trying to keep the friendship thing alive because it is continually hurting you. Be brave, don't contact him and think about finding someone else to date who does want you an active part of your life. For your own mental health stop contacting him and there is no need for any explanation.


Thanks - sound advice. Just to clarify on the contact thing - I rarely/never contact him. He contacts me a couple of times a week and I respond. Same with meet ups. It's not that he never arranges them - but they're few and far between, and I usually feel like he's more concerned by going to get dinner than actually having any decent interaction.

Would you recommend me being honest in saying I still have feelings for him? It's the main reason I can't handle the friendship - though even if I had moved on I still think his idea of friendship is a bit crummy. I don't know if he knows I still have romantic feelings and he definitely doesn't know how much I've been hurting - but I feel like telling him that my feelings are the reason I need to cut contact is just another ego-boost to him and I don't want to appear emotional and powerless - 'cos that just gives him the last laugh.
Believe me when I say I've been there because I have. It's not an easy position to be in especially has you still have feelings for him and if given the right message from him you'd get back with him. I really do understand. But, what I came to realize is that I was remembering the beginning good part of the relationship thinking that maybe that could get rekindled but it never did. I think that is what is happening here. You're right even if you didn't have romantic feeling for him his idea of 'friendship' is pretty crummy. I just wouldn't be available to meet up with him the next time he comes around and that is going to be really difficult to do. But, you are right if you tell him about how you're feeling it is just a boost to his ego and stroking someone's ego who isn't particularly respectful isn't really a good idea. I do understand your wanting to talk to him and get closure.... I really do understand that but at the end of the day you're most likely never going to get what you need from him. Like you said when you did try to end it he cut you off and said and said I'll see you soon. If you feel like texting him a response if he texts you that is up to you but I would discourage you from seeing him even if he wants to over Easter or whatever. It sounds like you have friends at uni and I think it is time to focus on those friends. If when you're not available to him he may just say 'whatever' and move on or he might start questioning why you won't see him. If that is the case you can say I want to see you but we need to be able to sit down and talk. I doubt he really wants to talk.... he wants you to be available to him and be happy and be there for him but he's not providing in return. In any case if he starts questioning why you're not available the ball is in your court and you can go (not advisable) or not but then it is your decision and not his.

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