How are you feeling right now? MKV

Meh

hypocrite

Worthless c*nt. Why am I even alive. I have never been succesful at anything outside of academics. And even those may go astray now.

Unreasonably stressed all of a sudden. Didn't even eat dinner or even a proper lunch due to borderline panicking. My mind has set this stupid unrealistic goal of getting a 90% average in my first year exams, what for I don't know, probably because every since I started uni my life has been devoid of purpose/goals, given that achieving a first is utterly trivial.

So now I'm panicking over an exam that's supposed to be easy and that I 'need' close to 100% in, just because I did a paper and struggled a little bit with a couple of questions and was generally unsure in places that my answer style was correct. I'm becoming unhealthily neurotic. If I do badly tomorrow I'll probably end up depressed again. I mean, what kind of ridiculous reaction is that.

I need to abandon this idiotic 'goal', but then I go back to having zero purpose in life, which I simply could not stand. It's a lose-lose situation.

There is no purpose in life.

In my opinion, the best chance you have is to embrace life's meaninglessness. Try your best in the exams, of course, but accept that none of it matters. Ultimately, we are given a small number of years to live. The best way to spend them? Experience as much interesting crap as you can. Success means nothing. University means nothing. Family means nothing. Do as well as you can in endeavours that are important to you, and see where life takes you. And if you screw up? It's not important. You just keep going, and don't look back.

There is no purpose in life.

In my opinion, the best chance you have is to embrace life's meaninglessness. Try your best in the exams, of course, but accept that none of it matters. Ultimately, we are given a small number of years to live. The best way to spend them? Experience as much interesting crap as you can. Success means nothing. University means nothing. Family means nothing. Do as well as you can in endeavours that are important to you, and see where life takes you. And if you screw up? It's not important. You just keep going, and don't look back.

Edit: I would greatly advertise watching the show Bojack Horseman (maybe after exams haha)...it has had a profound influence on my conception of happiness and meaning in life. Fortune, success, fame, anything material you can name...they don't engender happiness.

That's actually true. Isn't there anything that you look forward to or something that interests you?

I'd like to do a PhD. But I have no idea what original crap I would do. Otherwise, I'd like to write. A novel, a Tv show, whatever. Just want to write for something. Apart from that, as to a purpose I have no interest. Sex is fun, so there's that. Were I to really off myself, an escort would be the order of the day. I am too unattractive in body and "soul" to have a real relationship again. The ideal would be to come into a large amount of money and be allowed to pursue pointless hedonism.

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