Why am I so f**king useless. I swear, I do not understand how I will ever be able to provide for myself in any way. I am a complete failure as a human. If this were any other period in history I would be dead already. Someone like me shouldn't be around. Someone with nothing to offer anyone, with no drive at all. I might as well have the word loser tattooed on my forehead. I come off as so f**king timid and unmotivated in any interview scenario, and I have no work experience anyway. I simply can't work in a retail job, or anything that involves people to a significant extent; I have too many hang-ups, too awkward, too distracted all the time. I have basically no money and no way of earning any. I'm trying to play poker but I've lost about £200 online overall I think. Bad luck at times, yes, but mainly I'm just a stupid person with no impulse control. Loads of minor gains and then blow everything in one hand because I get impatient or overconfident or whatever. This is the person I am, impulsive, hedonistic, a slave to mood, a weakling through and through. Not a man, never will be. An immature, worthless perpetual child.
Not only am I stupid, I'm not even a remotely kind person. After my girlfriend dumped me last year I spent a hell of a lot of time just guilting her, telling her I was planning to do things I really wasn't; at the time it felt sort of real, but in the back of my mind I always knew I was lying, that it was just emotional manipulation, that it was just pure vitriol. Didn't message for a while but one of the last times I got drunk in uni I texted her and it finally came out in pure form, called her awful things, when, in spite of her questionable actions, she had always been relatively nice even in the face of me being extremely difficult. I don't do anything for anybody, I feel like I never genuinely care about anybody else, it's always about what they can do for me. All I've done with my life is waste taxpayer money on alcohol and videogames and in spite of the huge student loan still have to borrow to cover my rent because I can't handle any amount of responsibility. Every single person would be better off if I had never existed.