How are you feeling right now? MKV

I've never done a day's work in my life.
I have <£100 in the bank at the moment I believe and I'm sinking what's left of it into poker, which I keep losing at, because every endeavor I have ever tried apart from stupid f***ing academics has failed for me. To be honest, I'm probably smart enough, I'm just too emotional. Can't control myself. Never have been able to, never will be able to. I'm not in debt or anything as can happen to people, but I would be if my parents hadn't paid some of my rent last year, and that's in spite of a huge maintenance loan.
All I've ever done is take from society and it's all I'll ever do. I can't work any job. I'm borderline dyspraxic and terrible with people so I can't even get a minimum wage job just to sustain myself, and my family certainly won't be able to keep me afloat for years to come. I have absolutely no talent or drive any more. I envy myself as a kid. I used to write pages and pages of stories and write music and now I am devoid of creativity. Hollow and utterly useless at everything but getting a 1st in my stupid degree. I don't even like maths. I can't even bring myself to do any work in preparation for going back to uni. It's all too dull.

Would you say that you're addicted to poker now? Don't worry about working just yet, you'll be doing that for the rest of your life. At this stage, nearly everyone will be taking something society, the giving will come later on. Do you still think studying Maths at university was the best choice for you? It may seem like it, but that's not always right. You have to think of the reason in the first place why you chose to study this and keep a hold of it.

Not really, but only because I can't afford to be. I hadn't played it for weeks until a few days ago. If I had, say, £1000 in the bank, I would be sinking in money faster. Probably lost over £200 in poker online, made a small profit in live earnings overall to bring the total loss down a bit. But now, for instance, I just put £10, lost about £7 super fast, and am now waiting until I am relaxed enough to try to do something with the last £3. I don't think a true addict would be able to wait. It is very frustrating as early on in playing poker I won a couple hundred for winning a uni tournament, and since then I seem to have gotten worse as I have learned more about the game, which makes no sense.

I am 20, I have to worry about working. Almost everybody else has some sort of experience. I don't think it is particularly relevant what I study so long as I am good at it, I just get bored of everything. I am almost certain an essay based subject would be far worse for me, considering how stressed essays used to make me in school. Meanwhile, I am too incompetent to do any science, they involve labs, and I am not particularly interested in them at all either. The idea of me doing something other than university is laughable. So yes I think maths was the only choice. I couldn't get away with my relatively lazy workstyle if I was doing anything else. It's not that I hate maths. I love a genuine maths problem. But, in spite of its reputation, my course doesn't really seem to be about genuine problems. It's just same old rote learning. And further I have no talent so said genuine maths problems have to be in a highly restricted domain: they have to be hard enough to be challenging but not too hard for me. Practically walking a tightrope.

I get what you mean, it's happened to me before not in poker though because I don't play it. The more you play, the worse you get. You should stop it, no point losing any money even if it's a small amount.

That is true, pretty much most students have some sort of experience with jobs. However, I'm sure you can get most jobs very easily but I guess it may be hard for you to find a job that you might like. I'd say whatever you like, you should go for it, as it'll be better than nothing at the end of the day.

You do like Maths, but it seems like you've chosen the wrong university. Would you agree with this? I get what you mean, Irrational said the same things about Warwick. Has it crossed your mind to think about transferring to a university in which you'll like the course and it's content?

I do not think it is something I should have off the table forever. But I need to sort my brain out before I could ever hope to be a winning player, yes. Most of the time I am almost consciously sabotaging myself and I am completely at the whim of my emotions. I have heard mindfulness meditation is good but I am very stubborn about that, largely because my father keeps telling me I should do it and my passive-aggressive overly independent self doesn't like listening. Counseling didn't really help. Tbh I'm not sure it's really that good for guys in general.

No I honestly don't think I can. I really do not believe I could wait tables or work at a till. Not because I'm above it or because it would be too boring, because I'm so inept and neurotic. I honestly think if I even got a job like that I would be out in a day. Probably the only thing I could hope to get that is basic would be cleaning, and even then I'd still be worse than the average person.

Well what other university is there. I don't think there is anywhere that does walk the tightrope. Maybe Oxford, I guess. But in any case, I'd rather get an easy 1st than get worse while feeling challenged. And who knows, there's still a chance for me to totally bottle this and fourth year can apparently be difficult (although a lot of people have so many marks by then that the first isn't too difficult to obtain).

I think you should listen to you father, it may actually help. You have to try to get rid of this stubbornness because they're just trying to help you, as other people may as well be.

Do you think you can try really hard to keep a job? No matter how long it be, at least you'll gain some sort of experience and realise how hard it can be just to survive. I think you should still try your best, you'll end up with something.

Is it really worth it though? Fair enough you're getting easy firsts and are on track to getting good marks, but wouldn't you rather it be interesting at the same time? I mean you've still got a while to go so will it be worth it staying here? You should try for Oxford, it may be hard but you're capable so I doubt you'll end up with anything but a first. Have you ever thought about what sort of job you'll like after graduating?

Yeah, I guess so.

I just feel that I will absolutely humiliate myself if I try anything like that. And then I'll have an even worse complex about it all.

I don't think Oxford is a big enough step up to bother. Indeed, some people have even said that Warwick maths is better. Only place I know for sure would be a big change is Cambridge, and I don't have anywhere near enough interest or aptitude.

Lool I really wish there wasn't that many people in this world. Humans stress me out! Or I'm just the biggest introvert

I hate people too. People scare me. I'm really anti-social

Omg same, humans piss me off and scare me. I'm anti social too! *high 10*

Just...sad.
Life is so grey.

Also as seems like you're having heavy times

Roughest of the rough. Have you tried hanging out with your friends or go out for a movie or something?

Did that 2 days ago, literally hanging out with friend and going for a movie. For the couple of hours, it's good, as soon as I get home then it goes downhill. Can't keep bugging people to keep me busy Eid is tomorrow, not looking forward to it at all like this lol
Have you?

Same, but my issue is the fact that all I have at the moment unfortunately are two friends. The rest are all on vacation. I just stagnate at home the whole day. Eid's tomorrow, I wouldn't want to bug my lovely friends and spoil their preparations for them